Random Humorous Things - A Light-Hearted Thread

[vorlon13]

[vorlon13]

Speaking of which;

just saw a picture of the best tattoo ever on Tumblr

it's of a ruler, the markings and inches on the underside of an arm to calibrate how deeply they are fisting man kunts

ROFL!!!

[downbeatplumb]

I visited Christian dating site recently out of curiousity and almost every women there already had one Man in her life, but she searched for second one.

Everyone wants a second cumming.

[vorlon13]

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Then there was the parish priest who was furious over his bicycle being stolen.  He phones up the bishop to ask for advice and was told, 'This is an easy one, Father.  Next Sunday, make your sermon on The Ten Commandment.  When you get to "Thou shalt not steal", lay it on good and thick.  Odds are, the person who stole the bicycle will be so overcome with guilt that they'll return it.  With any luck at all, they may even come to Confession!'  Priest thanks him, hangs up and goes to work on the sermon immediately.

The next Sunday, the bishop rings up the priest and asks, 'Well, my son, how did my advice go over?'

'Sorry to say, Your Grace, but I really didn't need your plan after all.'

'Good heavens!'exclaims the bishop. 'So the guilty party returned your property of his own accord?'

'Not so much, bishop.  While I was writing my sermon, as soon as I got to "Thou shalt not commit adultery", I remembered where I left me bike.'

Boru

[chimp3]

When I was a young lad my family was Catholic. We had to go to confession after school every Wednesday. The priest would open up that little screen between me and him. I would say "Bless me Father for I have sinned" and recite my Inventory of sins and receive my quota of Hail Mary's . One week I honestly could not think of a single sin so I lied to the priest and said I stole my friends bike. I was issued a penance of mantras. I never said the Hail Mary's and I never confessed this lie to any priest. I win!

[Fireball]

So, a guy is playing golf and Satan appears, offering to give him whatever he wants. The guy begs off, saying that he has everything he wants. Satan can't believe it! "Look, son, I can get you ANYTHING, even all the sex you want!". The guy continues to demur. Satan says, "You can't possibly not want any sex?! How often do you get laid, anyway?". The guy responds, "Twice a week, on average.". Satan says, "That's shit, man!", to which the guy replies,"That's not bad at all for a priest in a small town.".

[KUSA]

When I was a young lad my family was Catholic. We had to go to confession after school every Wednesday. The priest would open up that little screen between me and him. I would say "Bless me Father for I have sinned" and recite my Inventory of sins and receive my quota of Hail Mary's . One week I honestly could not think of a single sin so I lied to the priest and said I stole my friends bike. I was issued a penance of mantras. I never said the Hail Mary's and I never confessed this lie to any priest. I win!

I wish that I had the opportunity to go to confession. I would make up some grand shit.

[Fireball]

When I was a young lad my family was Catholic. We had to go to confession after school every Wednesday. The priest would open up that little screen between me and him. I would say "Bless me Father for I have sinned" and recite my Inventory of sins and receive my quota of Hail Mary's . One week I honestly could not think of a single sin so I lied to the priest and said I stole my friends bike. I was issued a penance of mantras. I never said the Hail Mary's and I never confessed this lie to any priest. I win!

I wish that I had the opportunity to go to confession. I would make up some grand shit.

Nothing stopping you from standing in line and waiting your turn. I recommend the last day available for confession before xmas or Easter. That way you can get your penance ahead of time. Just look around the 'net for what you need to say at the appropriate times.   BTW, last time I saw this performed (ca 1991), there was no screen, just the priest and the confessing person sitting in a room together. Think you can keep a straight face in that situation?

Pro Tip- only the RCC has confession, and they invented it about 900 years into the faith. How lame is that? It's just like how Hell got invented- people just making shit up! How anyone can follow or even fall into Catholicism (or any other True Religion ™) is entirely beyond me.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Boru