Became an atheist, need advice on Christian fiance

[Kaptinjoo]

Hey everybody, I'm new here and have a situation. I've recently become an atheist after months of study/questioning/etc. Ultimately I've come to the conclusion that there is no supreme being and that evolution is the most logical theory. I come from a background of being a fundamentalist Christian (attending an "anti" Church of Christ) for 15 years. I was baptised at age 9 and have been heavily involved in religion and whatnot until around the first of this year, when I began to study atheism and such things to help my fiance's little brother become faithful. The end result was myself becoming an atheist lol. Anyway, my fiance is still a fundamentalist christian attending the church of christ that we have went to for the last 7 years. She's very much indocrinated into their beliefs, as was I. I cannot seem to break her grasp on religion free. She continually dismisses my arguments and claims that atheist are immoral evil people, in addition to a lot of other "standard" claims that christians make about god and salvation and other garbage. We've been together for 7 years, and have been engaged for 3 of that. I love her with all my heart and would do anything in the world for her, so ending the relationship over some lies told by a suspicious desert people thousands of years ago seems absolutely stupid. The problem is that it's causing strain on our relationship, mostly in that I do not wish to help her convert her little brother, or anyone else, to christianity. Nor do I see sense in praying and doing the other activities a christian is supposed to do. I still go to church with her to appease her, but I would much rather her come to her senses and embrace the truth of atheism. Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this?

Thanks a lot

[reverendjeremiah]

You need to tell her now before you get married..thats good for starters. This is a big change, and she needs to know before you marry.

---

sorry..didnt catch the entire thread..fuck dude..Im not sure what to say. I can say that you going to church to appease her might be sending false messages. She probably thinks your atheism is just a phase because of it.

[Kaptinjoo]

Oh she knows, and we commonly have debates about it. She's not leaving me so that's a good sign, and she's still planning on getting married, I just think that it's going to lead to problems eventually. I don't even want kids, but she says she may some day and I guess I'd make one if she wanted it, but that'd be the biggest problem. I'm absolutely not going to teach a child that the Bible is truth. She is going to expect me to if she remains a Christian. That's going to cause serious problems...

---

Hmm, that would make sense. Since you mention that she is dealing with it as if it will just go away at some point. I have a strong feeling that if I express a desire to discontinue going, it's going to stir up quite a stink. I dunno if I should do it anyway or just wait it out and let her figure out that I'm not going back to Christianity?

[theVOID]

Patience...

My advice, get her to explain why she believes in god as thoroughly as you can, write it down point by point, and then refute it. Do that enough and maybe she'll listen...

[Kaptinjoo]

That's a good idea VOID. I'll try that the next time we're having a debate and see what comes of it. This week is finals week for her, so I won't be doing it right now, as she's under enough stress. Maybe this weekend though. Of course I'm still open to more suggestions. I do like that one a lot though and will definitely try it.

[Cinjin]

Get rid of her. There is nothing but angry debates in your future. I speak from experience ... ESPECIALLY when you have children.

...just my humble opinion.

[Doubting Thomas]

Well I know it seems to be an overused saying, but communication is extremely important in any relationship, especially a marriage. Let her know exactly how you feel about religion and that you don't want to indoctrinate your kids into it. If you don't want to go to church, tell her how you feel about it. I was kind of under the impression, too, that she didn't know that you were an atheist, but if she knows at least that's a step in the right direction. But let her know that this isn't "just a fad" and you have completely made your mind up.

The biggest thing is to explain your reasons for not believing and let her make up her own mind. It's not right of you to try to change her any more than it would be for her to try to change your beliefs. And you have to weigh your love for her against any potential problems your religious differences are going to cause. And believe me, they will cause problems, especially if her whole family is fundamentalist Christian.

[Kaptinjoo]

Sorry I should have clarified that in the original post, we've had a lot of debates on it and she knows that I don't believe. I probably should make a stronger point to her that this isn't a fad. I'll be sure to do that next time we are debating as well.

At this point I can't really imagine not having her in my life. She's such a large part of...everything. I just don't know that I'd even want to go on if I didn't have her. Out of everyone in her family only she and her grandmother are fundamentalist Christians. Most just don't care and do whatever they want. My entire family, on the other hand, is FC, and they don't know because right now I'm still looking for a house and living with my parents. I don't want to tell them until I'm out of their house just to avoid any crazytalk they try to pull. Right now they don't interfere with me at all (I'm 23), I just live there but don't have to follow any rules or anything like that. If they knew I was an atheist they'd probably crap a brick and do something stupid. My dad used to be an elder at the church they go to, so they are both pretty hardcore into it.

[Anomalocaris]

I broke up with an former girl friend because of concerns of similar nature. When she uncritically embraced prayer as an effective means of relieving debt as is taught in her fundamentalist church (she has earned an economics PhD from a respectable public university), and took to calling members of her church mama and papa, it became clear to me that to sooth certain childhood emotional trauma there is no floor through which her good sense would prevent her from falling. For me a reasonable grasp on reality in daily life, and a discernable self-respect in comfort seeking, is a minimum requirement to start a married life and parent children.

[reverendjeremiah]

Oh she knows, and we commonly have debates about it. She's not leaving me so that's a good sign, and she's still planning on getting married, I just think that it's going to lead to problems eventually. I don't even want kids, but she says she may some day and I guess I'd make one if she wanted it, but that'd be the biggest problem. I'm absolutely not going to teach a child that the Bible is truth. She is going to expect me to if she remains a Christian. That's going to cause serious problems...

---

Hmm, that would make sense. Since you mention that she is dealing with it as if it will just go away at some point. I have a strong feeling that if I express a desire to discontinue going, it's going to stir up quite a stink. I dunno if I should do it anyway or just wait it out and let her figure out that I'm not going back to Christianity?

Thats another thing. One thing I have noticed on discussion boards is in mixed marriages, the religious of the two usually get their way and raise the kids religious. Atheists tend to be more easy going about the subject unlike many of the religious. Dont raise them religious man, if you want my opinion. It took me a few years to get that worthless religious guilt and fear out of my system once I became an atheist.

As far as church goes...do you like going? If not then stop going. If you like it then do it.

Dont deny your feelings. That crap will build up and you will eventually take it out on your wife.

*Ive been married for 10 years, 3 before we got married, 2 kids both raised as freethinkers, and my wife is a "I really dont give a shit unless it pisses me off or makes me laugh" agnostic.