Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eacting a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?""

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, “Kin ya breathe?’

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, ‘Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it!’

There was an old man from Nantucket
Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear was a cunt I could fuck it."

A secret alternate ending for the last starwars has been revealed!

(August 2, 2016 at 4:12 am)Alasdair Ham Wrote: There was an old man from Nantucket
Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
   He said with a grin
   As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear was a cunt I could fuck it."

If you used carbon dating to age that joke it'd prove to be older than microwave background radiation.

John: You've got 5 children! Gee Jack, that's far too many. Agnes and I decided not to have children. I call that intelligence.
Jack: I call it natural selection.

(August 14, 2016 at 12:03 pm)Rhondazvous Wrote: John: You've got 5 children! Gee Jack, that's far too many. Agnes and I decided not to have children. I call that intelligence.
Jack: I call it natural selection.

LOL

Two flies sitting on a dog turd, one of them farts, the other one says "That's disgusting can't you see I'm eating"

Growing up in the Chicago area we were always hearing "Pollack jokes."  You know - the "how many Pollacks does it take the change a light bulb" variety.  They were never either very funny or very clever.  This one is both.  A Polish guy goes to the eye doctor and the doctor tells him to "read line 5 on the eye chart" which is  P Y Z C K O W C Z Y.  The Polish guy looks at it and says, "Read it?  I KNOW THAT GUY!"

Past present and future walk into a bar, it was tense.

A man learned his widowed father had a very short time to live. He would be inheriting a large sum of money. Lonely for love he decided to find a beautiful woman to share his new found riches with. He signed up for a dating service and started attending the weekly mixers. One Friday evening he saw the most beautiful woman and said to her: "I know I am not the greatest looking guy but in a few weeks I am going to inherit 200 million dollars!".  "Really" she said "Can I have your business card?". 3 days later she became his stepmother.