(August 18, 2017 at 11:09 am)Cyberman Wrote: How are you supposed to screw in a lightbulb anyway?

Guess it would have to be a very commodious light bulb.

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(August 16, 2017 at 10:31 am)Cyberman Wrote: I've never seen porn all the way through. How does it end? Does the plumber manage to fix that woman's boiler?

Why did the actor Lee Majors beat up the plumber? Because he screwed the wrong Fawcett.

Mother: Boys, don't let me have to tell you again to clean up your room. It's a mess. Look at it.
Son: Come on, mom. This is the lived in look.
Mother: It's not the lived in look that bothers me. It's the died in smell.

Quote:What deep things retired men think about....

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. 
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."
She then said that’s what you did yesterday—to which I replied—I WASN’T DONE , SO I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF FINISHING RIGHT NOW.
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"  At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?  Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.  Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion.  A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.  Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.

Autocorrect has urined the art of communication.

I was in a cake shop today and saw two cakes, one was £1 and the other £2.

I asked the guy why one cost twice as much as the first.

He said, "That's Madeira cake."

(August 22, 2017 at 4:26 pm)Cyberman Wrote: I was in a cake shop today and saw two cakes, one was £1 and the other £2.

I asked the guy why one cost twice as much as the first.

He said, "That's Madeira cake."

I don't get it...

(August 22, 2017 at 4:29 pm)pocaracas Wrote:

(August 22, 2017 at 4:26 pm)Cyberman Wrote: I was in a cake shop today and saw two cakes, one was £1 and the other £2.

I asked the guy why one cost twice as much as the first.

He said, "That's Madeira cake."

I don't get it...  

Madeira cake.

My dearer cake.

More expensive.

I guess I have a similar sense of humour.

(August 22, 2017 at 4:33 pm)The Valkyrie Wrote:

(August 22, 2017 at 4:29 pm)pocaracas Wrote: I don't get it...  

Madeira cake.

My dearer cake.

More expensive.

I guess I have a similar sense of humour.

I guess... being a Portuguese, Madeira becomes difficult to read in such a messed up English accent that would make it sound like "my dearer"...
I read it as ma.... dei....ra!

Yes, that's how we say it.

Yes, accent humour can be a hill to climb, like:

Two Irishmen are sitting in the pub, chatting about one thing and another.  One of them falls silent for a moment or two, then stands up, bangs his fist on the bar and shouts, 'I've made up me mind, so I have!  At my time of life, I'm entitled!  I'M GETTING MESELF A PARAMOUR!!'

'Fuxxake, Michael,' says his friend. 'Won't your missus object?'

'And why should she?' says Mike. 'She doesn't care how I cut the grass, so long as I cut it.'

Boru