From the age of 14 to about 23. It came in two different kinds of stages.

14-17 I was secretly being abused on a regular basis by my step father (he had raised me from 3 years old so I called him Daddy) I thought that would be the worst mental state I would ever be in. I would have ended my own life if I was sure that he wouldn't move on to my little sisters if I were out of the picture. My senior year my mom was deployed to Iraq, leaving him to be the sole guardian of us three girls. Figured it was better to just suffer than to allow my sisters any possibility of being hurt.

At 17 I finally broke the silence and he fled the state. I thought keeping the secret all those years was hard but it was nothing to dealing with not only telling people but having most not believe me. I felt like I single handedly ruined my family and more than once I contemplated telling them I lied just to try and take the pain away. I moved out ASAP and was nearly excluded from the family (my mom still took my sisters to go see him in the other state because they were his 'real' daughters and he wouldn't do that to them... plus she didn't really believe me- we both knew that) It wasn't until he killed himself that I started to heal. Eventually the family started to as well. It's been about 5 years since he died and now we just don't discuss it.

Emotionally, when I went on a two weeks long bender after the death of my father. Other people simply didn't exist for me, beyond being conduits to enough alcohol with which to drink myself to death. 

Spatially, I was once lost on the Bureen for two days. 

Boru

Right now. I only really had three actual friends irl, other than Sam of course, whom I could be with and talk to face to face etc, and they've all ditched me one after another. One literally moved house and changed his number to cut me off; the second basically fired me through email; and the least said about the third, the better. I just lose all enthusiasm for everything, because I can't share any of it. I've gone literally for days without speaking a word, not even to myself. I don't even go out unless I really need to - all those couples and groups of friends and so on. When I have plucked up the courage to go out, because I do try, I'm just as alone as when I don't, only with more people around. That's why I drink a lot, so I can feel something.

(October 31, 2017 at 3:05 pm)Cyberman Wrote: Right now. I only really had three actual friends irl, other than Sam of course, whom I could be with and talk to face to face etc, and they've all ditched me one after another. One literally moved house and changed his number to cut me off; the second basically fired me through email; and the least said about the third, the better. I just lose all enthusiasm for everything, because I can't share any of it. I've gone literally for days without speaking a word, not even to myself. I don't even go out unless I really need to - all those couples and groups of friends and so on. When I have plucked up the courage to go out, because I do try, I'm just as alone as when I don't, only with more people around. That's why I drink a lot, so I can feel something.

I'm so sorry it's so hard for you  Unfortunately I can't really identify because I rarely feel lonely, even when I'm alone because I'm generally a loner by nature... it takes a lot of prodding to get me to go out, but what you're describing sounds very different... like the emptiness of depression. I wish I knew what I could suggest; I've had depression before, sometimes with that empty feeling, but not majorly. I've been on anti-depressants on the past, which could be an option for you? They're a nice buzz if nothing else

(October 31, 2017 at 2:06 pm)mlmooney89 Wrote: From the age of 14 to about 23. It came in two different kinds of stages.

14-17 I was secretly being abused on a regular basis by my step father (he had raised me from 3 years old so I called him Daddy) I thought that would be the worst mental state I would ever be in. I would have ended my own life if I was sure that he wouldn't move on to my little sisters if I were out of the picture. My senior year my mom was deployed to Iraq, leaving him to be the sole guardian of us three girls. Figured it was better to just suffer than to allow my sisters any possibility of being hurt.

At 17 I finally broke the silence and he fled the state. I thought keeping the secret all those years was hard but it was nothing to dealing with not only telling people but having most not believe me. I felt like I single handedly ruined my family and more than once I contemplated telling them I lied just to try and take the pain away. I moved out ASAP and was nearly excluded from the family (my mom still took my sisters to go see him in the other state because they were his 'real' daughters and he wouldn't do that to them... plus she didn't really believe me- we both knew that) It wasn't until he killed himself that I started to heal. Eventually the family started to as well. It's been about 5 years since he died and now we just don't discuss it.

What happened to you is so unfair and I'm really sorry for you.
It wasn't your fault that it happened or that others didn't believe you.
He was the blame entirely and his actions destroyed the family.
I totally believe you and I really admire the strength and love you had to sacrifice yourself for your sisters.

Didn't realize it, but I shut down after Brian died. My physician, out of the blue, asked if I might be depressed. I recall getting a little potty mouth with him with something like "Jesus who the fuck wouldn't be going thru what I'm going thru"

Anyhow, without asking, he offered an Rx for antidepressant and I took it for a couple years. Up till that, it was the worst I'd been thru, but the progression up to it had been over 3 years or so, not one big jolt (other than Brian) and I was just isolating myself while maintaining that old cliché: a façade of normalcy.

Hellish time . . .

January 14th 2014. That was the day a judge gave plenary guardianship of my oldest daughter to my ex. I was destroyed inside. Little did I know that nine months later, it would literally be the last time I saw her again.

I've been walkabout-alone. (Not recommended.)

---

(October 31, 2017 at 10:26 am)Catholic_Lady Wrote: Now..

How long will he be away?

I'd heard about people going for holidays alone.  (Holiday meaning vacation).  I decided to try it but got incredibly bored and lonely, I went to Amsterdam and to top it off I got very stoned and paranoid.  It was no where near as traumatic as events other people are describing on here though.

There's two different kinds of places I go to where I feel most alone but they're polar opposites to one another.  One is the moors near me, it's just vast open flat lands of grass with some reservoirs around.  But when you are out there you feel obliged to engage in convo with whoever you see.  Just because you have this thing in common, that you both decided to go up on the moors today.


The other place is the city, where most people are in a rush, working, don't speak English, already with their friends in a group that you're not a part of, driving past at high speed.  When you see someone in a city there's more of an obligation to not talk to them, just incase they're busy.  Plus in a city you want to avoid drunk or drugged people who want to talk to you about things you find boring/insignificant but they find absolutely amazing because they're drunk or on drugs.  Same goes for religious people or people who want to talk to you to try and get money off you.

After reading some of the shit you guys have been through, I realise that you are all tough motherfuckers to come out the other end without going bonkers...
I take my hat off to you guys...

Compared to you guys, and to quote John Snow: I know nothing@! (or was that Colonel Klink? )