(October 31, 2017 at 7:47 am)Gawdzilla Sama Wrote: Alonest = being alone either by distance, or by state of mind. (A third, fourth, etc., state is not disallowed, but please explain.) ride out there.

About 28 years of the 29 I've lived

That's state of mind.

Spatially it's been a few years minus the occasional visit to my brother. I assume it doesn't include talking to strangers.

(November 1, 2017 at 3:45 am)ignoramus Wrote: After reading some of the shit you guys have been through, I realise that you are all tough motherfuckers to come out the other end without going bonkers...
I take my hat off to you guys...

Compared to you guys, and to quote John Snow: I know nothing@!  (or was that Colonel Klink? )

It was Sgt Hans Schultz. :-)
Colonel Klink's catch phrase was Hoooggggaaannn (in a wavering voice.)

(November 1, 2017 at 3:45 am)ignoramus Wrote: Compared to you guys, and to quote John Snow: I know nothing@! (or was that Colonel Klink? )

I don't recall Jon Snow saying that, but then I rarely watch Channel 4 News.

(November 1, 2017 at 3:45 am)ignoramus Wrote: After reading some of the shit you guys have been through, I realise that you are all tough motherfuckers to come out the other end without going bonkers...
I take my hat off to you guys...

Compared to you guys, and to quote John Snow: I know nothing@!  (or was that Colonel Klink? )

I see what you did there.  But it was Ygritte who frequently reminded Jon Snow that he knew nothing.  Had that relationship lasted a little longer, she might have succeeded in getting him to think and say it about himself.  He was well on his way to becoming pussy whipped.

(October 31, 2017 at 11:09 pm)Little lunch Wrote: What happened to you is so unfair and I'm really sorry for you.
It wasn't your fault that it happened or that others didn't believe you.
He was the blame entirely and his actions destroyed the family.
I totally believe you and I really admire the strength and love you had to sacrifice yourself for your sisters.

Thank you. Hindsight is always 20/20 and age makes you see a few more paths that could have been taken but in the end he got his dues.

(November 1, 2017 at 12:58 am)paulpablo Wrote: It was no where near as traumatic as events other people are describing on here though.

What others go through doesn't lessen your pain or suffering

(November 1, 2017 at 11:08 am)mlmooney89 Wrote: What others go through doesn't lessen your pain or suffering  

Very true. Each of us lived it.

(October 31, 2017 at 3:05 pm)Cyberman Wrote: When I have plucked up the courage to go out, because I do try, I'm just as alone as when I don't, only with more people around.

I know that one all to well. In fact, I've always felt that way and I pretty much go out to shop and that's it. And other than that I volunteer because I'm supposed to and I like to help other conscious beings, even if I feel completely alone when amongst the other volunteers. And I do. I mostly don't even feel the same species as other humans.

And I play poker because I enjoy poker. But I haven't felt up to it for a while. I haven't been in some weeks. But even when I do feel up to it, everyone feels the same, no one feels real or relatable or like anyone I could befriend and I just show up for the poker really. They may as well be robots. I like poker. I like people . . . but I don't like feeling completely invisible.

I can't even relate to people on the internet much. But it's much, much, much better than in RL. At least I can find some intelligent people here and not just generic morons. And some people really know how to enthuse and genuinely show they care without telling me what I ought to do, here on the net. I'm always willing to show my own emotional support for others I care about online too . . . I'm just not a problem solver. I'm not here to give advice, and I don't respond well to advice either. I can't follow my own damn advice let alone anybody else's. 99% of the time I know what I need to do. It's doing it that's the problem. I always feel like I've got nothing to lose but nothing to fucking gain either. It's like . . . it's not worth it what's the point if even when I got what I aimed for I wouldn't feel any happier?

There's a couple of people online I've gotten close to. Less than a couple that I've gotten really close to. One day, somehow, I wish to get close to someone again. I don't aim high. It would be enough just to feel I meant that much to someone again who didn't share my D.N.A. so closely and didn't just start every fucking sentence with "You need to". Touch is not necessary for me. It would be ideal. But I just want to feel loved. Even from a distance.

Quote: That's why I drink a lot, so I can feel something.

And I started that one. But thankfully I use video games and music as a more primary escape and I can't imagine going any further down the beer rabbit hole.

EDIT: Actually, my biggest escape of all is thinking aloud to people all the time on the net. The idea is that I don't have to hear my thoughts if I can speak them out loud via a filter. Like I literally can't hear myself think right now because I can only hear myself typing this non-upsetting non-intrusive sentence. That's my biggest self. Just talk constantly. I'd start talking to myself if it weren't for the fact I'd start saying the same shit my thoughts say and my thoughts are fucking painful. Fuck my thoughts but the best way to avoid the pain of my thoughts is to just speak constantly to people. Like when I'm typing this it's literally impossible for me to be aware of any negative thoughts and therefore literally impossible to have to deal with them. I'm an escapist.

But it's not so much negative thoughts that give me the greatest distress. It's the repetitive nature of it and the meaningless and futility of it. And the O.C.D. doesn't help. Like . . . . I basically engage in compulsive talking because my obsessive thinking is too painful.

I do the video game thing as well, sometimes, but like I say I lose interest very quickly because there's nobody to share with. My ex-friend Dave, the one who was responsible for getting Sam and I together, and the one who literally moved house and changed phone number to ditch me, we used to play video games all the time. We've literally gone whole weekends playing almost nonstop, pausing only to eat, piss and sleep.

Even though he cut me off, he would still occasionally go fishing with my dad (not as bait). Last I ever heard of him, they were due for doing that, so I asked my dad to ask him if he would pop over and talk to me afterwards. Dave said he would, so I waited in. After a while, I rang my dad to see if they were back yet. He said that they'd been back for ages and was surprised that Dave hadn't come over as he said he was going to. Basically he'd told my dad he was coming to see me, then pissed off home without even letting me know. So I stayed in for nothing and saw no-one. Since then, as I say, he's got a new number. That's someone I've known for probably about thirty years.

@Cyberman

He sounds like a jerk. Also video games are better when playing solo lol. Ask Hammy, we were playing a game together and I was doing my own thing. He came over and tried to help and I was like aw naw boy you go play on your side of the screen.

Not like the other posts...but.  Sentry duty, Hohenfels, Bavaria.  Mid january, 3am..jet black and contrast with purest white.   Just me and knee deep, unmolested snow as far as the eye could see.  

It was fucking glorious. I've been looking to recapture that feeling ever since.