A flying fish lands in a boat and shouts, "SON OF A BITCH!"
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Current time: December 16, 2024, 1:02 am
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joke time
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CONDOM HISTORY :
An interesting piece of history... In 1272, the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine. In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea, by taking the intestine out of the goat first. 
I just read three whole pages of the dictionary. I learned next to nothing.
At the age of five, Skagra decided emphatically that God did not exist. This revelation tends to make most people in the universe who have it react in one of two ways - with relief or with despair. Only Skagra responded to it by thinking, 'Wait a second. That means there's a situation vacant.'
I've invented a toupée made from buttock hair. Only problem is it keeps blowing off.
At the age of five, Skagra decided emphatically that God did not exist. This revelation tends to make most people in the universe who have it react in one of two ways - with relief or with despair. Only Skagra responded to it by thinking, 'Wait a second. That means there's a situation vacant.'
I was visiting Scotland many years ago, and went into a shop to buy a souvenir. As I opened my Vel-Cro™ wallet, the shopkeeper said, "Aye, that's a real Scot's wallet. It screams when ye open it!".
If you get to thinking you’re a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else’s dog around.
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!
"Help me dear," she groans to her husband. The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying here and you're putting?" "Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you. "Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly. "No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through." ___________________________ A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?" Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered." ___________________________ A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?" The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?" The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray." The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards. The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down." ___________________________ Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?" "Yes" says the woman. "Did you hit him with that golf club?""Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face. "How many times did you hit him?" "I don't know -- put me down for a five." ___________________________ A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between 2 trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?" The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I? ___________________________ The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?" He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?" . 
Here's a joke:
I like you. Do you like me? I mean, I assume it's a joke because the ladies usually laugh at me when I say that.
I've just bought a Jehovah's Witness advent calendar. Every time you open a door on it, a little voice tells you to fuck off.
At the age of five, Skagra decided emphatically that God did not exist. This revelation tends to make most people in the universe who have it react in one of two ways - with relief or with despair. Only Skagra responded to it by thinking, 'Wait a second. That means there's a situation vacant.'
Why did the nuclear powered book store go out of business. Well, might not have been a good idea to name it "Barns & Chernobyl".
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