joke time

[Brian37]

A flying fish lands in a boat and shouts, "SON OF A BITCH!"

[Darinda]

CONDOM HISTORY :

An interesting piece of history...

In 1272, the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea, by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

[Cyberman]

I just read three whole pages of the dictionary. I learned next to nothing.

[Cyberman]

I've invented a toupée made from buttock hair. Only problem is it keeps blowing off.

[Fireball]

I was visiting Scotland many years ago, and went into a shop to buy a souvenir. As I opened my Vel-Cro™ wallet, the shopkeeper said, "Aye, that's a real Scot's wallet. It screams when ye open it!".

[Little lunch]

I've invented a toupée made from buttock hair. Only problem is it keeps blowing off.

This one's a keeper. :-)

[Darinda]

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!

"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.

"I'm dying here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."
___________________________

A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course.

What's your secret?"

Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."
___________________________

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"

The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.
The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down."
___________________________

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody
3-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?""Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know -- put me down for a five."
___________________________

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between 2 trees he thought he could hit through.

Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"

The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?
___________________________

The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"
.

[Edwardo Piet]

Here's a joke:

I like you. Do you like me?




I mean, I assume it's a joke because the ladies usually laugh at me when I say that.

[Cyberman]

I've just bought a Jehovah's Witness advent calendar. Every time you open a door on it, a little voice tells you to fuck off.

[Brian37]

Why did the nuclear powered book store go out of business. Well, might not have been a good idea to name it "Barns & Chernobyl".