How may Spartans did it take to light an oil lamp?

3500.  One to force one of the perioikoi to light it, and 3499 to make sure the helots didn't revolt.

Boru

Paddy Murphy walked into his neighborhood pub promptly at 5 o’clock as he’d done for years. Mick, the pub keep, says to him:
Paddy! What’s happened to ya laddie? Ya look terrible! Both of your eyes are black, y’ur nose is pushed over to one side o’ y’ur face, it looks like they sewed your right ear back on!
Paddy says: Oh, me and Sean O’Leary been a’ fightin’.
Mick: Sean O’Leary?! That little shite? He couldn’t a done that to ya by himself. He must a had somethin’ in his hand.
Paddy: Aye, that he did. A shovel it was, and a proper lickin’ he gave me with it too.
Mick: What?! Sean O’Leary licked ya with a shovel??!! Surely ya had somethin’ in y’ur own hand.
Paddy: Aye, I did. I had Ms. O’Leary’s breast in me hand, and a thing o’ beauty it was too, but useless in a fight!

My boss in a meeting, "Have you been listening to me for the past fifteen minutes?"

Me, "What an odd way to start a conversation!"

Your face!

Today, I saw an advert that read, 'Radio for sale, $1.  Volume stuck on "full" '.  I thought to myself, 'I can't turn that down.'

Boru

My friend, "Last night I slept like a baby!"

Me, "So, you shit yourself at 1am and then screamed until someone changed you?"

Ex friend, "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

I'd like a coffee please with no milk.
I'm sorry sir, we're out of milk, so I took the liberty of making you a coffee without cream. I trust that will suffice?

This coffee tastes like mud!

That's funny, it was ground this morning.

(February 17, 2019 at 4:56 am)ignoramus Wrote: I'd like a coffee please with no milk.
I'm sorry sir, we're out of milk, so I took the liberty of making you a coffee without cream. I trust that will suffice?

Men are never out of milk. Neither are women. Think about it, and try not to puke.

Strange thought #37, where the hell did that come from?