If someone you love, is usually supportive and did more good than bad ended up making a mistakes that traumatizes you for life, would you continue the relationship? What if it should've been obvious to them that they should've never done it and easy to prevent? What if they didn't get what they did wrong for years? Is it worth the relationship, whenever they feel sorry or not? If in the future you will have moments when you remember what they did, should you call out for it, even if they don't do anything wrong at that particular moment?

You should go to counseling-- a lot.

All depends on the mistake. People end relationships all the time, sometimes for bad reasons. If you are traumatised by something you really need to talk to someone and get it off your chest. Never good to let these feelings fester.

(March 12, 2019 at 5:41 am)Der/die AtheistIn Wrote: If someone you love, is usually supportive and did more good than bad ended up making a mistakes that traumatizes you for life, would you continue the relationship? What if it should've been obvious to them that they should've never done it and easy to prevent? What if they didn't get what they did wrong for years? Is it worth the relationship, whenever they feel sorry or not? If in the future you will have moments when you remember what they did, should you call out for it, even if they don't do anything wrong at that particular moment?

This isn't the first post you have made about what to do in a personal relationship with someone.

I can only give you the same advice I gave you before.

1. Only you can really determine what you are willing to live with.

2. It is ok to forgive, but it is also ok to put your foot down. You don't have to be a doormat for anyone.

3. See advice in point #1.

Only you can determine what you are willing to tolerate and what crosses the line.

My late mother and I butted heads alot when I was growing up. We did not abandon each other, but at the same time, none of our conflicts were that bad as to cut ties. I give her lots of credit in her later years for finally seeing me as an adult and an individual and not something to be molded in her image.

But I have cut others out of my life, people I thought were my friends, and even my older biological brother. I didn't wish them ill, but they violated my trust and emotionally sucked the life out of me to the point it simply was not worth it.

You are never going to have a perfect relationship with anyone where disagreements don't happen. Healthy relationships are not about avoiding conflict, but communication, so that when a disagreement happens, that communication becomes about solving a problem. without placing blame and coming to a compromise. 

But regardless, You also do not have to submit yourself to verbal abuse, much less physical abuse. If someone is constantly putting you down or calling you names, that is not friendship or love, that is just their attempt to have power over you. It is unhealthy for you mentally to try to please someone who does that to you. 

Again, only you can determine what you are willing, or not willing to live with. But one should not put up with verbal abuse, much less physical abuse.

In the end it ultimately amounts to your mental health. The people who value you as family or friends allow you to be yourself, and can still have disagreements with you. It becomes harmful and unhealthy if it is constant verbal abuse, or physical abuse.

(March 12, 2019 at 5:41 am)Der/die AtheistIn Wrote: If someone you love, is usually supportive and did more good than bad ended up making a mistakes that traumatizes you for life, would you continue the relationship? What if it should've been obvious to them that they should've never done it and easy to prevent? What if they didn't get what they did wrong for years? Is it worth the relationship, whenever they feel sorry or not? If in the future you will have moments when you remember what they did, should you call out for it, even if they don't do anything wrong at that particular moment?

I don't have enough information or the training to advise you, but if you're asking for a general public opinion, I'll take a crack. First though, I'd like to point out that you seem to have a great heart for sharing and a deep thirst for knowing which I appreciate. I'm not even going to answer your question because I don't have enough info, but I will parse some assumptions in it.

1. "You love someone." That depends a lot on what you define as love and what type of love. We can have unhealthy loves like my love for french fries and chocolate. We can have unrequited love where we love someone and they don't love us back and we pine away. We can have unconditional love. Yu first need to define what you mean by what love is to you and what causes you to love this person.

2. "A person does more good than bad." I'm not sure you're measuring that right. If I were to sum up all the good things I've done and all the bad things I've done and gave each item a value of one, I would probably come up with a net positive. That doesn't way in the severity or length of recovery or collateral good/hard they've done. Besides the net some issue, human's have a tendency to ruminate more on the bad. I think one study found it was like 5 good for every bad. https://assets.csom.umn.edu/assets/71516.pdf has some great information on that.

3. "Is it worth the relationship"No one can really answer that but you. We have relationships with people for lots of differing reasons. Some are for utility, friendship, confidentiality, mentor ship, love, devotion, to make ourselves look better, as a social shield, as a social funnel, etc. Why do you want/need a relationship with this person. What need does it fill, is it somethings you can get elsewhere, without the baggage/ drama?

4. And this is a big one. "traumatizes you for life". Why would you assume that you are incapable of overcoming a hardship in your life, ever? Why would one thing one person did, have power over you for 80+ years? Things that happen to us, or because of us, inform our world view. You can let your worldview shape itself, or you can be intentional about what you do. Did you choose your breakfast this morning? Why not choose what gets you upset? You use your volition everyday, use it to choose what is in your power to control and what you allow to control you.

There is not a lot we can do to control what other people do or think. You can control the filter by which you take things into your worldview to some degree and you can control how much weight you give to inputs to that worldview. </2 cents>

Bake them chocolate Ex-lax brownies on a regular basis. Pay back's a bitch.

(March 12, 2019 at 9:03 am)wyzas Wrote: Bake them chocolate Ex-lax brownies on a regular basis. Pay back's a bitch.

 I am assuming this was meant as a joke. But, it may sound good in one's head, but in reality revenge does not solve anything.

We are not talking about toppling Mussolini or Hitler here.

I said in a prior post, I cut off my older brother, because every time he was around me, he was preachy, judgmental, violated my trust and once verbally threatened physical violence to me over a disagreement. I don't wish him ill will, but it is also something I do not want in my life.

(March 12, 2019 at 9:09 am)Brian37 Wrote:

(March 12, 2019 at 9:03 am)wyzas Wrote: Bake them chocolate Ex-lax brownies on a regular basis. Pay back's a bitch.

 I am assuming this was meant as a joke. But, it may sound good in one's head, but in reality revenge does not solve anything.

We are not talking about toppling Mussolini or Hitler here.

I said in a prior post, I cut off my older brother, because every time he was around me, he was preachy, judgmental, violated my trust and once verbally threatened physical violence to me over a disagreement. I don't wish him ill will, but it is also something I do not want in my life.

Give me your address. I need to send you a treat in the mail.

Quote:in reality revenge does not solve anything.

It isn't MEANT to solve anything.  Revenge is meant to speed up the universe evening things out.  Dunno about you, but I've had it up to HERE with people telling me nonsense like, 'Living well is the best revenge' or 'Forget revenge, just move on with your life'.  Fuck.That. 


Revenge, properly constructed, is the best thing EVER, especially if it involves a chalk outline.



Boru

(March 12, 2019 at 10:27 am)BrianSoddingBoru4 Wrote:

Quote:in reality revenge does not solve anything.

It isn't MEANT to solve anything.  Revenge is meant to speed up the universe evening things out.  Dunno about you, but I've had it up to HERE with people telling me nonsense like, 'Living well is the best revenge' or 'Forget revenge, just move on with your life'.  Fuck.That. 


Revenge, properly constructed, is the best thing EVER, especially if it involves a chalk outline.



Boru

If you really believe that, then you're a piece of garbage. Revenge is never objective, and is always disproportionate. Revenge is a malicious act of entitlement. You think that you are fond of revenge that ends with a chalk outline because you are a coward who fears the obvious escalation of hostilities. Homicidal revenge something that cowards feel entitled to.

And no, revenge isn't the same thing as seeking justice.

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The OP is a malignant narcissist who is always dwelling on 'punishing' the people around them. They need professional attention.