^ That is the funniest offensive joke I've ever heard!

Her, 'I dreamed I was at Wallmart,"

Him, "I dreamed I was in bed with three women,"

Her, "Was I there?"

Him, "No, you were at Wallmart."

A teacher stands before her class and says, "Today, class, we're going to use sentences with the word 'contagious' in it. Who wants to go first?"

Jenny in the front row puts up her hand and says, "My daddy says we need to get vaccinated because covid is very contagious."

"Very good, Jenny. Who wants to go next?"

Timmy puts up his hand and says, "My mum says chicken pox is very contagious!"

"Yes it is, Timmy. Anyone else?"

Little Johnny in the back row puts his hand up and replies, "My dad took me for a walk and we saw this little old man painting a big house with a small paintbrush. My dad said, 'that'll take the old contagious.'"

When three people have sex, it's called 'a threesome'.

When two people have sex, it's called 'a twosome'.

I'm beginning to understand why people call me 'handsome'.

Boru

Two nuns have been overseas where they bought too much duty free booze and cigarettes. They arrive back in their home country and approach the customs desk.

The older nun leads her companion to the "nothing to declare" line.

As they're waiting their turn, the younger nun asks, "What do we do if they ask about the booze and cigarettes?"

"Being a nun has its perks. When you get to the desk, just show them your cross," replies the older nun.

Finally their turn comes and the younger nun is called to the customs desk.

She walk up and immediately says, "Fuck off, ya wankers!"

My grandfather used to say, "Don't be too quick to find faults."

Nice man.

Terrible geologist.

(February 15, 2021 at 6:03 pm)The Valkyrie Wrote: My grandfather used to say, "Don't be too quick to find faults."

Nice man.

Terrible geologist.

I’ll bet he had to put up with a lot of schist, what with people taking him for granite.

Boru

Here's one I tell when driving between Ponca and Jasper on Hwy 74.  If you get it, you're awesome.  And old.


"Hey kids, where is Mr. Peabody's favorite place to take the Wayback Machine?"

Driving. . . 

Wait for it. . .

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(February 14, 2021 at 6:11 pm)The Valkyrie Wrote: My friend was so excited about being pregnant, she called around to everyone she knew.

It was late in the evening when she finally called me with the news.

"Can you believe I have someone inside me?" She asked excitedly.

"So do I, can I call you back in an hour?" I replied.

An HOUR?

Good for you!

---

(February 15, 2021 at 8:58 am)The Valkyrie Wrote: Two nuns have been overseas where they bought too much duty free booze and cigarettes.  They arrive back in their home country and approach the customs desk.

The older nun leads her companion to the "nothing to declare" line.

As they're waiting their turn, the younger nun asks, "What do we do if they ask about the booze and cigarettes?"

"Being a nun has its perks.  When you get to the desk, just show them your cross," replies the older nun.

Finally their turn comes and the younger nun is called to the customs desk.

She walk up and immediately says, "Fuck off, ya wankers!"

Apostrophes are your friend...

...and no, they're not atrophied apostles....