‘I’m very, very sorry for what I’ve done.’ - No cat ever.

Boru

They're making a new Alien vs Predator movie.

Apparently it's about Catholic priests storming Area 51.

Liam was a farmer with a nagging wife who made every day a misery for him. In fact, the only peace he ever got was while working in his field.

One day, Liam was out plowing with his trusty mule, when his wife brought him his lunch. He was unable to eat it peace, however, as his wife kept up a constant steam of complaining and nagging. Without warning, Liam’s mule let fly a kick which caught his wife in the head and killed her instantly.

At the wake and again at the funeral, the priest noticed something he thought was odd: whenever women came up to offer their condolences, Liam would solemnly nod his head. When the men did the same, however, he’d shake his head from side to side. Taking him aside after the services, the priest asked about this behaviour.

‘Perfectly simple, Father,’ said Liam. ‘The ladies were very kind and told me how well my missus was laid out, but all the men asked if my mule was for sale.’

Boru

Daughter: 'Dad, I have a flat tire.'

Dad: 'Did you call your husband?'

Daughter: 'I tried, but he didn't answer.'

Dad: 'Do you have a spare?'

Daughter: 'Yes, but he didn't answer, either.'

Boru

Someone once told me, ‘Nothing rhymes with orange’, and I said, ‘No it doesn’t.’

Boru

What do you get when you combine human DNA with seal DNA?

(January 8, 2022 at 11:38 pm)vulcanlogician Wrote: What do you get when you combine human DNA with seal DNA?

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You get banned from SeaWorld.

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That reminds me of a Tom Lehrer schtick where he was talking about a guy majoring in animal husbandry...until they caught him at it.

A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well but the trouble was he kept winking and stammering.

The interviewer said, “Although you have a lot of the qualities we’re looking for, the fact that you keep winking and stammering disqualifies you.”

“Oh, that’s no problem,” said the man. “If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking and stammering for an hour.”

“Show me,” said the interviewer.

So the man reached into his pocket. Embarrassingly he pulled out a variety of condoms before he found the packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin and soon talked perfectly and stopped winking.

The interviewer said, “That’s amazing, but I don’t think we could employ someone who’d be womanizing all over the country.”

“Excuse me!” exclaimed the man. “I’m a happily married man, not a womanizer!”

“Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?” asked the interviewer.

The man replied, “Have you ever gone into a pharmacy, stammering and winking, and asked for a packet of aspirin?”

(January 9, 2022 at 12:06 am)Fireball Wrote:

(January 8, 2022 at 11:38 pm)vulcanlogician Wrote: What do you get when you combine human DNA with seal DNA?

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You get banned from SeaWorld.

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That reminds me of a Tom Lehrer schtick where he was talking about a guy majoring in animal husbandry...until they caught him at it.

Yep, good ol' Hen3ry. The 3 was silent, you see.

The county coroner comes home from a rough day at work, sporting a beaut of a black eye. His wife says, 'Oh, my God! What happened to your eye?"

'It all started when I got a call from one of my assistants. It seems a man died at a local brothel, but they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had a massive erection. So, I went to help. When I got there, I was directed to the room. Sure enough, there was a man on the bed with an erection that would shame Man O' War. Not knowing what else to do, I grabbed it with both hands and tried to bend it in half.'

'Ok, but what about the black eye?'

'Wrong room.'

Boru