Hi - I decided to make an account/post this because I've been having some serious conflicts of belief, and needed somewhere to express my problems. Now I met my current Girlfriend a while ago, and while I always knew she was religious, I didn't realize quite how strong her convictions were - she comes from a very traditional family and church - no homosexuals - no sex before marriage or divorce - no alcohol - the whole shebang really. But whenever I ask her about these beliefs, and why she believes as she does she states that 'it's because it's been drilled into her for such a long time'. Now I don't know if this is because she is unwilling to talk about her beliefs, or she's embarrassed or what it is. I'm not trying to convert her to atheism, I simply want to understand why she continues to believe these things if it really is because they've been 'drilled into her'. I love her dearly but it's getting harder and harder to put aside said beliefs and I really don't know what to do anymore. any help/opinions would be greatly appreciated!

Because she does? Frustrating, unsatisfying, usually accurate. My wife personifies her beliefs whenever we get around to talking about them she feels uncomfortable with the idea of "giving up on jesus" despite being very much aware of the problems inherent in the belief system that she was raised in. To me (perhaps us) it seems strange, but to her all of those stories are so personal and so well ingrained that jesus may as well be sitting next to us on the couch. It's not really that big of an issue unless you decide to make it one, or if either of you have expectations of the other which cannot or will not be met.

Why don't you just tell her that it matters to you that you don't understand.

In my opinion, if she's admitting that the only reason she believes is because it's been drilled into her, it sounds like she's having serious doubts. If it's got to the point where it's affecting your relationship (even if it's only from your perspective) then you need to talk to her about it.

Sometimes I ask my wife(Catholic) why she believes in god and stuff, but she refuses to talk to me about it on the grounds that I am very condescending during such discussions. I can't help it though, and I don't do it on purpose. I just think it's silly and it somehow comes out when I speak. Anyways...

Sometimes for the sake of relationships you have to let your partner believe what they want, and teach yourself to not care about the foundations of said beliefs. Now if you want to change her beliefs, such as the one on homosexuality, you will have to talk about it. My way of addressing my wife's beliefs is to just throw in a comment here and there, making sure that it is not condescending or insulting. I don't try to start a discussion, just merely plant a seed of thought.
I would try doing that several times, and then maybe try extending those thoughts into a couple of lines of discussion, slowly letting them evolve into a full conversation.

Don't know if that will work all that well, but's the best advice I've got.

Dump her and find someone with intelligence.


I'm sorry ... that's kind of always my knee-jerk reaction.
There is no easy answer. Just be a good example. Show her that an atheist does not need hocus pocus to be an outstanding individual and a credit to the human race. Your example alone may help her find her way out of stupidy, dogma, and shackles.



Side thought: Isn't it funny how christians claim that their religion brings them peace and yet time after time, its the christians that are always torn apart with anxiety over their silly beliefs.
(no true scotsman argument in 3, 2, 1 ...)

Pretend to want to be interested in her religion, and start reading the bible out loud to her. Do it for the "the spiritual nourishment" of you both. Start at the beginning, and show how morally offended you are by... well.. the parts that are fucking sick. The bible is full of them, and ask her if she thinks that's offensive too. This will start a discussion between the two of you that could make or break the relationship. Having an open dialogue, and not holding back on expressing your feelings about her belief system is vital.

This is psychology, my friend, and although it might seem a bit underhanded, by doing this you'll learn a couple of things, at least.

- The condition of her moral compass. How broken or intact.
- The severity of her indoctrination.

If she doesn't find anything wrong with the more fucked up verses of the bible, she's either defending it out of pride (which means she's going to be nearly impossible to break), or defending it because she is terrified to not defend the word of god (which means she's completely brainwashed, and nearly impossible to break). If she agrees that there is something fucked up about what you're reading her, discuss it with her and be sensitive to her emotions at that time, because it's hard to learn that the god you've loved all of your life has always been an asshole.

I know you love her, but she sounds like she's pretty stuck on some very conservative values that have nothing to do with reality. You say you don't want her to deconvert, but if you stay with her, do you really want her inflicting these same values upon the impressionable minds of your hypothetical future children? I wish I had thought about that before having my kids with their christian father. I am glad I have my kids, and wouldn't trade them for the world, but it's been a struggle to protect them from indoctrination, If I had been their father, and he, their mother, it wouldn't have happened. They'd be singing "Jesus loves me" right now. Mothers have more pull, you see.

I suppose it can work if you just say nothing, and do nothing to change her mind, or at least lighten up a little; but there will be sacrifices that you will have to make, and you could both end up resenting each other. If she is too far gone, then the loving thing to do would be to let her go. Your values will never be compatible, and it absolutely will cause a major strain on the relationship, ever increasing with the passage of time, and before it's over with- I promise, one of you will despise the other, and a lot of years will be poured down the drain. Small beans to her, considering she believes that she'll live again in paradise when she dies, but if you're an atheist, you probably don't believe that, and know this is the only life you're going to get.

If you can't deconvert her, let her go so she can find a man whose values better match her own, and likewise. This is just some advice from someone who has been through it. Obviously, it works for Rhythm, but his wife sounds a bit more liberal, making it easier for him to coexist with her as a partner.

(January 7, 2012 at 12:55 pm)Danvelope223 Wrote: Hi - I decided to make an account/post this because I've been having some serious conflicts of belief, and needed somewhere to express my problems. Now I met my current Girlfriend a while ago, and while I always knew she was religious, I didn't realize quite how strong her convictions were - she comes from a very traditional family and church - no homosexuals - no sex before marriage or divorce - no alcohol - the whole shebang really. But whenever I ask her about these beliefs, and why she believes as she does she states that 'it's because it's been drilled into her for such a long time'. Now I don't know if this is because she is unwilling to talk about her beliefs, or she's embarrassed or what it is. I'm not trying to convert her to atheism, I simply want to understand why she continues to believe these things if it really is because they've been 'drilled into her'. I love her dearly but it's getting harder and harder to put aside said beliefs and I really don't know what to do anymore. any help/opinions would be greatly appreciated!

I love that one. Every family has a secret homosexual, they just don't out themselves so as to avoid a backlash.

I think there is no reason to question her beliefs, as long as said beliefs do not come between you, there should not be any problems.

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(January 7, 2012 at 1:45 pm)Faith No More Wrote: Sometimes I ask my wife(Catholic) why she believes in god and stuff, but she refuses to talk to me about it on the grounds that I am very condescending during such discussions. I can't help it though, and I don't do it on purpose. I just think it's silly and it somehow comes out when I speak. Anyways...

It's quite difficult to not be consescending to someone who believes in the trinity or their other obvious bullshit.

Sometimes for the sake of relationships you have to let your partner believe what they want, and teach yourself to not care about the foundations of said beliefs. Now if you want to change her beliefs, such as the one on homosexuality, you will have to talk about it. My way of addressing my wife's beliefs is to just throw in a comment here and there, making sure that it is not condescending or insulting. I don't try to start a discussion, just merely plant a seed of thought.
I would try doing that several times, and then maybe try extending those thoughts into a couple of lines of discussion, slowly letting them evolve into a full conversation.

Don't know if that will work all that well, but's the best advice I've got.

It's probably because she hasn't thought about her beliefs. She just knows she has faith. She doesn't know why and can't explain it to you, which is probably why she is uncomfortable talking about her beliefs. I suggest talking to her about faith. I do not suggest trying to convince her she doesn't have faith. She must ultimately come to that false conclusion (in my opinion) on her own. Try talking logically about your own beliefs, that might be a good starting point.

It may also be because she doesn't want to sound preachy. Discussions about beliefs have a way of spiraling into big fights. People tend to believe that they are right, talking about belief with someone who disagrees with your belief usually becomes a battle of wills.

Bottom line from my point of view is that if you can't honestly look your partner in the eye and be comfortable with they way they think then what the fuck are you doing with them?