Well, I hope you feel better, and I'm sure I don't have to tell you that stopping meds and increasing alcohol intake is counterproductive. Death is shitty, and grieving can be a bitch. I know the worst times in my life were when I was grieving. The key, however, is to get through it without being too self-destructive, because it perpetuates that terrible state of mind. We are our own worst enemies when life is kicking our ass.

I know I'm just some anonymous stranger on the internet, but I am always willing to talk with anyone with problems. Depression just happens to be the one thing I am an exeprt on. PM me if you want, and for the sake of FSM, stop drinking.

I handle all of my anxiety in the woods with a rifle.............which is exactly how I used to handle anxiety, sans woods plus 3rd world shithole. Something about chasing things, or the report of the rifle. The chasing is distracting, the crack pretty muchs ends any train of thought. Talk about cheaply bought nirvana.

Wait, isn't crack expensive?

I like to go shooting too. When I had a particularly stressful job in a service department of a tech company we used to take dead harddrives, monitors, keyboards, and cases out into the woods and shoot myriad little holes in them. Big fun! One of my friends even had a 50 cal sniper rifle he let us shoot.

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(February 6, 2012 at 2:29 am)Faith No More Wrote: Well, I hope you feel better, and I'm sure I don't have to tell you that stopping meds and increasing alcohol intake is counterproductive.

While being fully aware that this is going to sound like denial, I'm not drinking to excess at all. My usual intake is pretty damn close to zero. Lately, it's been a few beers most days. Your point is well taken, though.

(February 6, 2012 at 2:29 am)Faith No More Wrote: Death is shitty, and grieving can be a bitch. I know the worst times in my life were when I was grieving. The key, however, is to get through it without being too self-destructive, because it perpetuates that terrible state of mind. We are our own worst enemies when life is kicking our ass.

It isn't really even the death that's bothering me, I think. I knew 18 months ago that she was going to die sooner rather than, and the whole family had a pretty good idea of when it was going to happen. Once the treatment options for lung cancer run out, the course the disease takes is both predictable, and final for the most part. I did my grieving before the end finally came. Yeah, that may sound a bit like denial as well - but it's a fact that I've been through the death of loved ones before and honestly, I don't think it is.

I think what's going on here is that I'm wrapped up with issues surrounding my own mortality. I've had serious health issues over the last four months that I won't rehash here (they're on another thread). I've been worried the last few months, I have not been responding to treatment, and I should find out tomorrow or shortly thereafter what my prognosis is. While it is not necessarily so, I know full well that there is a significant possibility that it will be very, very bad.

It's not even that I'm going through the whole doom-and-gloom process and catastrophizing the outcome before I even know what it is. I know there's a decent chance that the news will not be bad.

The problem is, I'm not certain that I care.

i saw this thread posted in an intro thread so i figure i'll chime in on this even though it hasn't been active for a while.

when i was 18(i'm now 25) i finally convinced my parents to let me get tested for ADHD, and i went to a psychiatrist since they can do the testing. long story short, he told me i was depressed and have a general anxiety disorder and never did the test for ADHD, which i have learned through researching that i do for sure have it.

i went on antidepressants and finally settled on one and ended up at 3x the normal dose for it to really do some good, but when i turned 19 i got dropped from my parents' insurance and couldn't afford the medications so i stopped taking them, and since i had paid attention to how i felt while on them i was able to do alright without it.

about 2 years later i went through a pretty bad depression and had a few breakdowns, and in the middle of it all i realized that part of my problem was that i was atheist despite having been raised in a very christian family. figuring this out about myself actually helped since i was able to admit it to myself, and it gave me a good amount of self confidence since i was able to proclaim it and rise above the shitty beliefs.

a few months ago my wife and i started going to a therapist to help her work through a bunch of repressed memories that she had. she got a new job, but i continued to go to the appointments since they help my anxiety. our therapist is actually a christian therapist and a minister, so i made sure she knew i am atheist and things along those lines have worked out. she's very understanding and supportive, probably the coolest christian i've ever met.

after meeting with her a while i started realizing that i do very particular things when i'm feeling anxious. i talked to her about it and she diagnosed me with OCD. right now i'm deciding what course of action to take about it, since it's not completely debilitating, just a constant annoyance. i hate having to count my steps and line my steps up with doorways. i love having a beard, but i have to keep it clean shaven because i will sit there and twist it and it's made my beard significantly thinner and more splotchy. i also tend to want to have someone watch my son any time i go anywhere, because i struggle to manage my anxiety/OCD without smoking cigarettes, which is very much a part of my OCD and i refuse to smoke around my 18 month old son. i would really like to quit, but it scares the shit out of me just to think about it and i very much enjoy it.

i don't really want to try CBT, probably because i know it will invoke a lot of anxiety so i think i'm gonna go back on some medication, but thinking about that gives me a lot of anxiety because i've had several adverse side effects to different antidepressants. i see her again in two weeks, so i will probably have her get me a good psychiatrist to work with for medication and continue working with her as well.

i do have suicidal thoughts, and while they do suck, i've only contemplated or started planning suicide while having a bad reaction to the antidepressants. the thoughts i have are typically when i'm driving in the rain because of a bad accident i had back in 2005 in the rain, so i typically have a lot of anxiety while driving in those conditions and think about how it'd be easy to just lose control and not have to worry about it anymore. i wouldn't ever do it though, suicide is just not an option. it would hurt too many people that i love and i know i'm too strong to take the easy way out. i just have to use my REASON to overcome things and know that the anxiety will subside.

to quote suicide silence(favorite band)--you only live once so just go fucking nuts!

that's all for now. i will keep an eye on this thread in case anyone needs a good listener that understands that life can suck, i'm always willing to talk to people about it and i'm very open, empathetic, and understanding.

If anyone else needs a listening ear and just wants to have a more private conversation, do PM.

I don't feel comfortable going into it, but I'd understand your toughest times.

(May 20, 2012 at 1:34 am)Annik Wrote: If anyone else needs a listening ear and just wants to have a more private conversation, do PM.

I don't feel comfortable going into it, but I'd understand your toughest times.

+1 to this. My "door" is always open for someone that needs to talk.

Truth be told, I've got a hundred problems to sort through...and I keep telling myself I need someone to talk to. And yet I never do. And despite all these offers from people offering to listen I probably still won't take the opportunity.

Fuck.

Epic Fail, we have similar issues. My OCD is different than yours, but I too have anxiety and OCD. I'm psyched that you have a good therapist and I hope you work up the nerve to do CBT. It really is the best treatment for anxiety. I kind of do it for myself as much as possible. Yes, it does involve a lot of anxiety and all of us who suffer from it are terrified of attacks and avoid them as much as possible. However, with CBT, you are handling it in a controlled way. It really might make a huge difference for you. Please keep us updated.