Walking in the woods with an acquaintance of mine, we came upon clearing with a she-bear and her cub on the opposite verge.
The mama-bear looked over at us and decided to charge.
I ran off but looked back and saw my companion sitting down to put on some trainers.
I yelled that he should not waste time with the shoes because he couldn't outrun the bear anyway.
He said, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I just have to outrun you."
So I shot him in the knee.

Q: What's brown and rhymes with 'snoop'?

A: Dr. Dre

Boru

(January 9, 2015 at 8:44 pm)BrianSoddingBoru4 Wrote: Q: What's brown and rhymes with 'snoop'?

A: Dr. Dre

Boru

Q: What's brown and rhymes with 'Dr. Dre'?

A: snoop

Q: What's black and rhymes with math ?

A: his ass .

(December 16, 2014 at 3:43 pm)Marsellus Wallace Wrote: no one liked my joke ?

I guy I knew mercifully briefly, told me he fantasized about oral sex that time of the month. A vampire fetishist?

(January 10, 2015 at 1:35 am)Jenny A Wrote:

(December 16, 2014 at 3:43 pm)Marsellus Wallace Wrote: no one liked my joke ?

I guy I knew mercifully briefly, told me he fantasized about oral sex that time of the month. A vampire fetishist?

You should have married that man! It would have saved you bundles on Halloween costumes.

While working on the construction site, John fell from a ladder and broke both his legs. He says to his friend, the zen master, "This is so bad!"

The zen master says, "We'll see."

John picked up a massive compensation payment from his work, enough to live on forever. He said to his friend, "So it was actually good I broke my legs!"

The zen master says, "We'll see."

John ends up buying a massive mansion to live in. It's so big, he ends up in an old property dispute with a neighbour, and along with the upkeep, his money runs out and he has to sell to pay the debts. He says, "So it was a bad thing after all that I broke my legs. Now I'm penniless too."

The zen master says, "We'll see."

John decides to live rough until he gets a better plan. He finds the experience enlightening, and he becomes one with nature in ways he never felt possible. His legs have healed up nicely, and they are now stronger than ever thanks to great medical treatment. He says, "So it was a good thing after all! I've found what I've been looking for my whole life."

The zen master says, "We'll see."

---

A woman goes to see the doctor. She asks, "Do you think I'll live another 20 years doctor?"

He asks her some questions.

"Do you drink?"

"No."

"Do you smoke?"

"No."

"Do you have sexual intercourse?"

"Never doctor."

He considers carefully, then replies, "We'll what the fuck do you want to live another 20 years for?"

---

A philosophy student, a physics student and a maths student are on a train together. They are going to Scotland for the first time. They wonder how it will differ from England. They glance out of the window, and see a black sheep.

The philosophy student remarks, "Ah well! They do have black sheep in Scotland I see."

The physics student cuts in, "No, Scotland has at least one black sheep."

The maths student, without looking up, murmurs, "No, there exists a field in Scotland, containing at least one sheep, of which at least one side is black."

Three young people, two guys and a girl, are sharing a railway carriage. They soon realise that they're all going to the same seminary and decide to get to know one another.

"My name's Peter," says the first guy, "but I'm not a saint."

Second guy says, "Hi, I'm Paul, but I'm not an apostle."

The girl looks a bit sheepish. "My name's Mary," she says, "and now I don't know what to say!"

Was this in a Virgin train?

An old couple are sitting in church when the wife leans over and whispers, 'I've just let go of a silent fart, what should I do?'
The husband grumbles, 'Get a new battery for your hearing aid.'

The missus asks me to go to the chemist and get some of those pills that make me dick hard.
I go to the chemist, come back and throw a bottle of fucking diet pills at her.

This one I nicked off a comedian.

I have always found myself suffering from premature ejaculation. This upsets my wife, and in turn this makes me very sad.

So I got this cream you can rub on yourself, to make you less sensitive. It worked! Now I don't give a fuck how she feels.