Why Does No One Change the Incorrect Relationship Narrative?

[Excited Penguin]

Here is someone who has done some research into relationship.  Don't agree with all of it but certainly food for thought.

https://youtu.be/vwbKYcBdVyk

That's fucking hilarious

pissin myself laughing 

[Thumpalumpacus]

lol, "and anyone named Tiffany"

[Athene]

Well, there is the small matter of my fee to consider...

Why you wh....!

I mean .. but of course everyone has to eat.

Yeah...I'm offering to sell knowledge and answers, Grandpa.

Not my fanny.

[Thumpalumpacus]

Thanks for the kind words, but it doesn't seem to be working so far ...

Oh, they're not just kind words. Trust me...I know what women want.

I don't doubt you, hon, I just seem to fly under the radar. 'S'all good, que sera sera. Probably more of a salesmanship thing, y'know? It's not enough to be good, you have to be outgoing. It's part of my personality, but smallish.

My best relationships have come from stepping outside that box and letting Devil take the hindmost. But most of the time, I'm content with my introversion. Good product sells itself, I'm told.

[Thumpalumpacus]

<edited>

[Angrboda]

Here is someone who has done some research into relationship.  Don't agree with all of it but certainly food for thought.

https://youtu.be/vwbKYcBdVyk

[Thumpalumpacus]

Well, there is the small matter of my fee to consider...

Wait, there's more checkboxes you haven't laid out?

[Bunburryist]

From these violated expectations, we can extract the cultural narrative of relationships: you meet someone, you "fall in love," you complete each other, and you live happily ever after without the need for compromise or work, and the happy love chemicals will last forever.  You will be "together forever."  

Of course, we all know that this narrative is wrong.  But most people still believe it and still live their lives as if it is true.  Why?  

I think what Tolstoy said in Anna Karenina applies to "relationships" as well.  "All happy families are alike.  Every unhappy family is unhappy in it's own way."  I know we have to be careful not to take these "clever" sayings too seriously, but there is something in those kinds of observations.  What kind of "relationship" works?  Well, it's when two people are happy with themselves; when they do not enjoy strife and argument; when they are not neurotic; when they have sexual appetites that don't push them to do things they might no otherwise do; when they agree on money matters; when they agree on religious matters; when they agree on who runs which "department" (my wife deals with the money, I grow and fix stuff!), when they have extended families who let them be who they are   - well, it can go on and on."  You may ask - what are the chances of getting all that agreement?  It comes down to people who just happen to want to get along, are truly happy to be with their partner (I know we're enlightened now, but I still have to force myself to use that phrase!), and are happy with themselves.  I think this is how happy marriages are.  It's basically two reasonable people who have an irrational attraction to one another and who are content to get along.  I also don't think they spend a lot of time analyzing their "relationship."  (I also have an armchair theory that people who think in terms of "relationships"  have less chance at success.)

[Thumpalumpacus]

My mom saw a therapist after she divorced her third husband. I never met Dr T, but he gave her some great insight, and one thing she passed on to me was his idea of consonances --

You should be consonant in morality. You may not agree on the morality of everything, but you have enough overlap to find much common ground.

You should be consonant in interests. Not everything your lover likes will interest you, nor yours him or her, but you should have enough overlap that you can spend quality time together without resentment

You should be consonant in your spirituality. You need not agree on your view of faith (or its lack -- though he ever mentioned that, it seems apt here), but you shouldn't be hurt by your lover having a different perspective.

You should be consonant on your willingness to be parents. If one wants children and the other doesn't, that's a big warning sign.

You should be roughly consonant financially. If one partner brings in much more than the other, the temptation to power can undermine the relationship.

[Excited Penguin]

My mom saw a therapist after she divorced her third husband. I never met Dr T, but he gave her some great insight, and one thing she passed on to me was his idea of consonances --

You should be consonant in morality. You may not agree on the morality of everything, but you have enough overlap to find much common ground.

You should be consonant in interests. Not everything your lover likes will interest you, nor yours him or her, but you should have enough overlap that you can spend quality time together without resentment

You should be consonant in your spirituality. You need not agree on your view of faith (or its lack -- though he ever mentioned that, it seems apt here), but you shouldn't be hurt by your lover having a different perspective.

You should be consonant on your willingness to be parents. If one wants children and the other doesn't, that's a big warning sign.

You should be roughly consonant financially. If one partner brings in much more than the other, the temptation to power can undermine the relationship.

If you love someone despite your differences with them, sounds to me like those things don't really matter anyway.

If you don't, it sounds like a lot of work for nothing. I want a partner who has enough in common with me for it to be worth it, not for me to painstakingly try and find out some common ground on every single issue.

But then again, there's love of course. It tends to make you far more sympathetic and/or accepting (of) to the other's views and tastes than you could even otherwise dream of.