joke time

[Brian37]

Is it possible to use a Bowie Knife as a water marker when traveling the water ways?

[Fireball]

Two elderly gentlemen had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, ‘Now don’t get mad at me ….
I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.
His friend stared at him for at least three minutes—he just stared and stared at him.
Finally he said, ‘How soon do you need to know?’

[Magilla]

One day, in the deep south of the good ole U.S. of A. a long line of moles was ambling from one part of the woods to another. They were assembled in order of seniority, from the old grey grandad mole at the front, through his wife and siblings, and their offspring in order, way back to the little grandson mole 'Monty', at the rear.

Monty is a curious little fellow, and he suddenly and excitedly runs up the queue, to the front, and gushes forth with: "Grampappy, hey, grampappy, I can smell sugar!"
The old grandad just grunted back, "Naw gran's'n, you'n sure cain't smell no sugar - be off to ther backer th' line".

So off toddles Monty to his rightful last place. But then history repeats, and again Monty excitedly runs up the queue, bursting forth to the old grandaddy mole with: "Grampappy, aw shucks grampaw, I surely CAN smell sugar!"
Grandad came back with: "Nope, yeung Monty, you'n can NOT smell no sugar, so go to ther backer th' line erg'in".

So once again Monty toddles back to his rightful last place at the rear.

But that's not the end of it. Monty is more and more frustrated, and several more times, he goes forwards to his increasingly annoyed grandad, to report that smell of sugar.
Each time he is corrected and sent away.


Finally, when Monty dashes forwards and says: "Listen Grampaw, I jess know a c'n smell sugar", his old grandad replies: "Gran's'n Monty you can NOT smell sugar, wh't you c'n smell is mole asses".

[Brian37]

That's cold, Min.

No, making a joke about Ben and Jerry's would be cold.

---

I think penguins would make great race car drivers, because they always take the pole position.

[Fireball]

If anyone tells you they intend to have a vigorous love-life until the day they die, you should hold eye contact, smile really big, and say, "Nah, mate. Longer than that."

But, but, but, necrophilia is dead boring!

[Rhondazvous]

If anyone tells you they intend to have a vigorous love-life until the day they die, you should hold eye contact, smile really big, and say, "Nah, mate. Longer than that."

But, but, but, necrophilia is dead boring!

Talk about the night of the living dead. why do you think they're called stiffs?

[The Valkyrie]

What is black and white and red all over?

---

A pirate flag splattered with human entrails.

---

Boru

A nun in a blender.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

What is black and white and red all over?

---

A pirate flag splattered with human entrails.

---

Boru

A nun in a blender.

I think I'm in love...

Boru

[Fireball]

My wife and I went to the local Bull Sale & Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

‘THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR’
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs …...smiled and said, ‘He mated 50 times last year, that’s almost once a week.’
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
’’THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR’
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, ‘WOW~~That’s more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.’
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
"THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR"
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
"That’s once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one."
I looked at her and said,
"Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow."

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery

[Fake Messiah]

Hey guys you love Stupid Blonde jokes?

Here's one: Why doesn't Blonde acknowledge theory of evolution? Because some primitive man who was totally clueless about the world and how it functions wrote few thousands of years ago, on piece of goat skin, that the world is flat and that a wizard created world and whole universe in six days.