Should you end the relationship with a person for one big mistake?

[Brian37]

in reality revenge does not solve anything.

It isn't MEANT to solve anything.  Revenge is meant to speed up the universe evening things out.  Dunno about you, but I've had it up to HERE with people telling me nonsense like, 'Living well is the best revenge' or 'Forget revenge, just move on with your life'.  Fuck.That. 


Revenge, properly constructed, is the best thing EVER, especially if it involves a chalk outline.



Boru

In a 13.8 billion year old universe, which is not cognitive, it makes no sense to even imply friend or foe are favored by it.

It doesn't "even out" anything. The emotional reaction to harm done to one'self is natural, but in the context of the entire universe, it is meaningless.

It only matters to oneself while you are alive, but it does not change the fact both friend and foe all die.

Neither you, or I, or Hitler, or Obama, or MLK or Stalin were around 4 billion years ago. And none of us will be remembered 10 billion years from now.

I get the emotional reaction to someone harming you, that part I do get. But to the universe on a cosmic scale, no, it does not "even out".

Otherwise the dinosaurs could get even with the meteor that killed them.

Having emotions is one thing, but always acting on them, is hardly pragmatic. 

If everyone got to beat up or murder people they don't like, all 7 billion of us could think of plenty of people we wouldn't want living. 

Having a sense of relief when someone who has harmed or threatened you can no longer do that, is a normal feeling. But in general, at least in the west, we cannot and should not always get violent based on our emotions. No point in protecting pluralism or common law if revenge is always the solution.

[The Grand Nudger]

At the OPQ.

From the sounds of it...yeah?   You obviously cant get over whatever it is you'e talking about..whether or not you should be able to is moot.  You're not doing yourself or this other person any favors trying to maintain the relationship while simultaneously maintaining that grudge. Some things are unforgivable, and we all decide for ourselves what things belong in that set.

[Brian37]

At the OPQ.

From the sounds of it...yeah?   You obviously cant get over whatever it is you'e talking about..whether or not you should be able to is moot.  You're not doing yourself or this other person any favors trying to maintain the relationship while simultaneously maintaining that grudge.  Some things are unforgivable, and we all decide for ourselves what things belong in that set.

^^^^^ Thats it right here.

The best one can do in any relationship with someone they have a problem with, is to ask them to stop doing something. If they do, great, if they do not, then it is on you to accept or not accept it.

Ultimately you cant control others, just yourself.

I said before, I have cut ties with friends and even family, not out of any sense of having a grudge, just in that I didn't want their drama in my life.

Not forgiving someone does not mean holding a grudge. It just means you don't want that in your life.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

No point in protecting pluralism or common law if revenge is always the solution.

Revenge has nothing to do with pluralism or the law.

Boru

[Der/die AtheistIn]

4. And this is a big one. "traumatizes you for life". Why would you assume that you are incapable of overcoming a hardship in your life, ever? Why would one thing one person did, have power over you for 80+ years? Things that happen to us, or because of us, inform our world view. You can let your worldview shape itself, or you can be intentional about what you do. Did you choose your breakfast this morning? Why not choose what  gets you upset? You use your volition everyday, use it to choose what is in your power to control and what you allow to control you.

There is not a lot we can do to control what other people do or think. You can control the filter by which you take things into your worldview to some degree and you can control how much weight you give to inputs to that worldview. </2 cents>

I agree with all of your other statements and you do have a point with this one. Nobody has proof that they will be traumatized for life, however, you can't always choose your feelings. For example, if someone is in danger of dying and they have the will to live, they would feel fear.

---

^^^^^ Thats it right here.

The best one can do in any relationship with someone they have a problem with, is to ask them to stop doing something. If they do, great, if they do not, then it is on you to accept or not accept it.

Ultimately you cant control others, just yourself.

I said before, I have cut ties with friends and even family, not out of any sense of having a grudge, just in that I didn't want their drama in my life.

Not forgiving someone does not mean holding a grudge. It just means you don't want that in your life.

Is it possible for someone to can't help holding a grudge?

[tackattack]

4. And this is a big one. "traumatizes you for life". Why would you assume that you are incapable of overcoming a hardship in your life, ever? Why would one thing one person did, have power over you for 80+ years? Things that happen to us, or because of us, inform our world view. You can let your worldview shape itself, or you can be intentional about what you do. Did you choose your breakfast this morning? Why not choose what  gets you upset? You use your volition everyday, use it to choose what is in your power to control and what you allow to control you.

There is not a lot we can do to control what other people do or think. You can control the filter by which you take things into your worldview to some degree and you can control how much weight you give to inputs to that worldview. </2 cents>

I agree with all of your other statements and you do have a point with this one. Nobody has proof that they will be traumatized for life, however, you can't always choose your feelings. For example, if someone is in danger of dying and they have the will to live, they would feel fear.

Trying to pick your emotions is a lost cause. We are human and we feel. But rational level heads at some point prevail.To think that  you could hate someone for your entire life, man the thought of that just exhausts me. I don't think you have the stamina to maintain that level of emotin for that extent of time, I don't think anybody does, and I don't think it's healthy.

Part of the mechanics of how we live is taking information (emotions are a powerful informant) and processing it to gain control of the parts of our lives that we can. To cite your example, that person if the had the freeze response (instead of fight or flight) then they would die and it would be a waste. The person who is scared, BUT processes then acts upon it typically comes out in a better place, and deals with any emotional aftermath better. You can ask any first responded or military front liner you know. It's not about controlling your emotions like spock or something, it's about not letting them dictate who you are or what you do.

[The Grand Nudger]

More or less exhausting than the maintenance of your ridiculous christer beliefs?  Not bickering, only noting.  If it's at least as easy for OP to maintain the grudge as it is for you to maintain those absurd things...then there shouldn't be any expectation that they would change or that their maintenance as "exhausting".

[fredd bear]

I would love to say no, as a general principle, but am unconvinced a dogmatic rule is helpful. .

I'll jump the gun, and mention Jesus. The Lord's prayer talks about forgiveness. Jesus is asked at some point how many times should we forgive? Seven? Jesus replies " 70 times 7 ". IE always.

Meanwhile, back in the real l world:


Depends on the nature of the relationship, mistake, and whether it's legal or personal and how deeply the mistake injures you.

I guess a lot of mistakes with legal consequences are forgivable.

Personal 'mistakes' are a different matter entirely. For me, a betrayal of trust is hardest to forgive. A matter of degree I think. Family are always forgiven (eventually) friends, not as much. Case by case thing.

Betrayal by a spouse or beloved girl friend can be very hard for me to forgive. The hardest thing for me to forgive is the very idea of infidelity.

I've never been unfaithful, in thought, word or deed, to my wife or any girl friends before or after I was married. Nor have I ever had to deal with infidelity. I like to think I would love the person enough to truly forgive. I'm not certain that I could.

[arewethereyet]

Just an observation...seems the OP has a lot of 'relationship' issues. A lot.

I have to wonder where the issue lies. Is it with the OP or with everyone else they encounter?

[fredd bear]

Just an observation...seems the OP has a lot of 'relationship' issues.  A lot.

I have to wonder where the issue lies.  Is it with the OP or with everyone else they encounter?

 Perhaps.

My own track record in relationships is appalling. In my 20's  I had a LOT of first dates. I have been rejected  by every woman I have loved. There have been three of those. The first when I was 20, the last at 63.

I worked out there was 'something wrong with me' very early.  I only found out what what that "something'  is  5 years ago; I have Asperger's Syndrome.. That explains a lot a lot , but solves nothing.

Having many relationships can certainly indicate  'issues'. One of which may be becoming repeatedly involved with the same 'type' of person. For me it has been becoming involved with emotionally distant women. That is not my insight. My shrink pointed that out .

I guess we need to work with  what we have, perhaps concentrating more on self acceptance, than with finding fault