joke time

[The Valkyrie]

"Knock, knock!"

"Who's there?"

"Grandad!"

"Shit. Stop the funeral!"

[The Valkyrie]

Interviewer, "How do you view lesbian relationships?"

Bishop, "In full HD."

[The Valkyrie]

Paddy and Mick, pissed as chooks, are staggering home from the pub, when Paddy bends down and picks up a mirror.

After looking into it for a few minutes, he hands it to Mick and says, "who's that fella in the picture? He looks familiar."

Mick looks at the mirror for a moment and says, "Of course he looks familiar. It's me, ya dumb cunt!"

[Darinda]

A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday. “I’d love to be six again,” she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald’s they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, soda, and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being six again?”

One eye opened. “You idiot, I meant my dress size.”

The moral of this story: Even when the man is listening, he’s still gonna get it wrong.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Telling someone 'Have a nice day!' sounds friendly, so don't do it. Instead, tell them, 'I hope you enjoy your next 24 hours.' People need that sense of dread and unease.

Boru

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

The cashier said, 'Strip down, facing me.'

By the time I realized she was talking about my debit card, it was too late.

Boru

[The Valkyrie]

Just remember, elevators smell very different to dwarves.

[Darinda]

My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?”

So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house.

[Silver]

[ignoramus]

One evening my mother made dinner after a hard day's work. She put a plate of eggs and burnt toast in front of my father ...
I immediately noticed, the burnt toast ....
And, I was waiting to see if he was going to complain about it, but my father started to eat them, smiling and asked me how I spent my day at school ...
My mom apologized to my dad for the burnt toast.
I will never forget his response to her:
“Honey, I love burnt toast!"
Later when I went to bed and my dad came over to kiss me goodnight, I asked him if he really liked the burnt toast?
He hugged me and said, "Your mother has had a difficult day and she is really tired.
She went out of her way to prepare this meal for us, why blame her and hurt her.
Burnt toast never hurt anyone; but words can be very painful! "
We have to know how to appreciate what others do for us, even if it's not perfect, because it's the intention to do well that counts.
AWWWWW!!!

But a man's got to be practical.

I divorced the bitch the next day.