joke time

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

A man and woman are on their first date. He asks her, ‘Would you like a drink before dinner?’

‘Oh, no,’ she answers. ‘What would I tell my Sunday School class?’

A little later in the evening, he offers her a cigarette. 

‘Oh, no,’ she says again. ‘What would I tell my Sunday School class?’

While driving her home, he sees a no-tell motel up ahead. Figuring he’s got nothing to lose at this point, he asks her if she’d like to stop there and spend the night with him.

‘Of course,’ she says. ‘I was hoping you’d ask.’

Surprised, the man says, ‘But what will you tell your Sunday School class?’

‘The same thing I always tell them - that you don’t have to smoke or drink to have a good time.’

Boru

[A. Secular Human]

'I don't want a whole dessert. Let's just get two spoons.' - Women I stopped dating.

Boru

Yup.  I had a somewhat steady girl do that.  "Can I have one bite?"  Half of the dish later, she says "thank you!", and I'm still hungry.  A couple of times, just to give a hint, I've called the waiter over to order another one of whatever she ate half of.  We then sat there while they prepped it, and she sat there while I ate it.  She still didn't take the hint.

I had to start telling her when ordering *anything* that I intended to eat the whole thing, and if she wants some, to order her own.  She called me "selfish" for doing so.  I told her to decide what she wanted, order it, and eat it, and "STOP EATING MY GOD DAMNED FOOD!"

She was constantly fighting her weight, and I suspect that she played a little mental rationalization "game" with herself, that if she didn't order it, it didn't "count" towards her daily intake.  To this day, I think she was addicted to food.  A "live to eat" kind of person.  I eat to live, and will often forget to eat for a day.  I just accept that being hungry is a normal part of life.

We didn't last long as a couple.

---

An elderly lady with a thin, quavering voice rings up the front desk at the local hospital and asks, 'I was wondering if it's possible to inquire about one of your patients. Her name is Miss Emma Rose Chessler, and she's in Room 306.'

The young lady at the desk wants to be helpful and says, 'Certainly, ma'am. Let me just put you on hold for a bit while I check.' Good as her word, she comes back on after a few minutes and says, 'I have some wonderful news for you! Miss Chessler's condition has stabilized. Her blood pressure has returned to normal, her electrolytic balance has settled down. It seems to have just been a mild case of angina, and she's due to be released tomorrow.'

'Oh, thank you SO much, my dear! That puts my mind at ease. God bless you for being so helpful.'

'Quite all right. If I may ask, is Miss Chessler you daughter, or perhaps your granddaughter?'

'Neither,' answers the old woman. 'I'M Emma Rose Chessler, I'M in Room 306, and nobody up here tells me a fucking thing.'

Boru

You have to keep the patients guessing.

I once told a patient he was leaving the hospital in a couple of hours, and then sent a priest in...

I'll bet that cured his constipation.  That would scare the shit out of *anybody*!

[Darinda]

“How would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”

While teaching a class a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:

“Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”

Michael said: “Just a minute I have to go pee.”

The teacher responded by saying: “That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?”

Sherman said: “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”

“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?”

Johnny said: “I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.”

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Upon hearing that her 97 year old grandfather had passed away, a woman rushed to her 95 year old grandmother’s house to console her.

‘I’m so sorry for your loss, gran. Tell me - how did it happen?’

‘Your grandfather had a heart attack and died while we were making love on Sunday morning.’

‘How horrible for you! But surely you must have known that sex in your 90s comes with a great deal of risk?’

‘Not really, dear. You see, many years ago, we decided it would be best to do it to the sound of church bells - a nice, slow rhythm. No strain, no stress.’ The old lady paused to wipe away a tear and added, ‘He’d still be alive if that goddam ice cream truck hadn’t gone past the house.’

Boru

[purplepurpose]

Jesus: Let's surf the internet and see whats people are up to.
-Few hours later
Jesus: "Hasty opens nuclear briefcase and types in pass codes to provoke WW3".

[Cecelia]

(True Story time)

My mom's a doctor at a hospital.

She said that the next patient who tells her that the vaccine has microchips in it, she's going to tap them, and tell them "There, I just put the government microchip in you without the shot. Now you don't have an excuse."

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

I had some margarine recently. Wasn't bad. Could have been butter.

Boru

[The Valkyrie]

I had some margarine recently. Wasn't bad. Could have been butter.

Boru

I'm going to beat you with a foam hammer, just to make it last longer.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

I had some margarine recently. Wasn't bad. Could have been butter.

Boru

I'm going to beat you with a foam hammer, just to make it last longer.

To quote you: Promises, promises.

Boru

[The Valkyrie]

I'm going to beat you with a foam hammer, just to make it last longer.

To quote you: Promises, promises.

Boru

Very promising.