joke time

[The Valkyrie]

Potatoes can be used to make chips, can be mashed, boiled, fried, and roasted, and can also be used to make vodka.

It's like the other lazy bloody vegetables aren't even trying.

[Darinda]

A man was interviewing for a job. The interviewer said, “In this job we need someone who is responsible.”

“I’m the one you want,” the man replied. “At my last job every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

[Foxaèr]

I was asked, "How crazy are you?"

To which I replied, "Just the right amount."

[ignoramus]

I just found out that Albert Einstein was a real person. All my life, I though he was only a theoretical physicist.

Boru

Now I don't feel so bad for thinking Hertz Van Rental was a Dutch renaissance composer!

[onlinebiker]

And for years I had no idea these guys -



Who have trucks running about with that logo - sell cleaning supplies...

Need a clean beaver?

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Jessica Biel has two children. Bitch refused to name either one of them 'Batmo'.

Boru

[no one]

Why can't Mrs. Piggy count to 100?


Because whenever she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat.

[Darinda]

A guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising his voice, asks to speak to himself.

“Sorry, he doesn’t live here anymore, we’re divorced!”

Next day, the guy does the same thing with the same results.

He does this everyday for a week, and finally his ex-wife realizes who it is that keeps calling. “Look, Bozo! We’re divorced! Finito! End of story! When are you going to get that through your fat head?”

“Oh, I know! I just can’t hear it enough!”

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Jesus was taking a walk round Heaven when he noticed a familiar looking old man. Wondering if it might be Joseph, Jesus walked up to him and asked, ‘Excuse me, but did you ever have a son?’

‘Why, yes I did,’ said the old man. ‘But he wasn’t my biological son - he was born through the intervention of a magical being from the heavens.’

A little surprised, Jesus asked, ‘This son of yours - did he ever have to deal with temptation?’

‘Many times,’ answered the old man. ‘But he always overcame it eventually.’

Jesus is beginning to get excited, think now that the old man must really be his foster father. ‘And did your son ever perform any miracles?’

‘Well, he actually died one time, but came back to life in a little while.’

Overcome with emotion, Jesus wipes his eyes and says in a tremulous voice, ‘Dad?’ and the old man wipes his eyes and says, ‘Pinocchio?’

Boru

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

A man and his wife are playing golf. On the very first tee, she sends the ball streaking 300 yards down the fairway, where it lands plop on the green and rolls to within three feet of the cup.

‘Wow!’, he says. ‘I’ve never seen you make a drive like that before!’

‘I’ve been taking lessons,’ she answers.

A few days later, they’re playing a game of mix doubles tennis. The wife smashes every serve and returns every volley. ‘Wow!’, says the husband. ‘I’ve never seen you play like that before.’ Again she answers, ‘I’ve been taking lessons.’

Later that night, she serves up an amazing beef Wellington for supper. ‘Wow!’, says hubby. ‘I never knew you could cook like this!’ And she says, ‘I’ve been taking lessons.’

After they eat, she gives him the look and they go upstairs. Afterwards, gasping for breath, he says, ‘That was amazing…incredible! The best sex I’ve ever had! I want a divorce.’

Boru