The Last Movie You Watched

[Rev. Rye]

This week's proper entry in the Deep Hurting Project: Mr. Wrong. So, fun fact, thousands of years ago, before the dawn of man as we knew him, Ellen DeGeneres was still pretending to be straight. And judging by the fact that she was nominated as "Biggest Acting Stretch" for playing a straight woman at 1996's Stinkers Bad Movie Awards, nobody believed it either.

• Why does it look like they gave Saul Bass the job of doing the titles?
  
• Wow. I can totally believe Ellen likes dudes here, giving glances at a female coworker while trying to get a guy to stop hugging her.
  
• What the fuck did Johnny Ace have to do to have "Pledging My Love" desecrated in such a way? And for better examples of that song being used in a movie, see Mean Streets and Bad Lieutenant. On a lighter note, you know when a love song is solid when you still love it even if one of the first images that comes in your mind is Harvey Keitel shooting up heroin while nude.
  
• Is there a reason the movie loves cover versions of 1950s love songs?
  
• "I'm Whitman?" Not even a first name? 
  
• You just me the guy and you've fallen for him, despite the fact that you started the movie by complaining about how men who seem good at first but show their true colours later? And you're the one telling your parents to tone down their expectations?
  
• "The three-fingered dawn creeping slowly over the hills and foothills of one's cerebellum profusely for the loss of all one believes in?" That's good poetry?
  
• Why does it look like the prospect of meeting Whitman's ex makes Ellen piss V8 juice?
  
• Bluebeard at a worst of Richard Burton festival? I haven't actually seen that movie, but according to Rotten Tomatoes, that movie's actually fair-to-middling bad Burton.
  
• Buy low, sell high? That's the most obvious stock advice in history. How obvious? A few weeks ago my therapist talked about how her seven-year-old grandson talked about it after watching Trading Places on TV.
  
• She tells Whitman he's free to be himself and immediately decides to rope her into shoplifting individual cans of beer?
  
• "The Really Big Chicken Sandwich?" As generic a name as that is, I'm curious as to what that's like.
  
• Well, whaddaya know? Clips of another comic who was in the closet, Louie Anderson this time.
  
• How is liking classic rock on par with shoplifting beer and throwing the empties at a homeless person? Honestly, if liking REO Speedwagon is really a red-flag to women, maybe it's for the best that I switched to a dakimakura.
  
• Is this salt and pepper analogy a subtle way of indicating her lesbianism?
  
• Apparently love means never having to explain why you just randomly committed yubitsume on yourself.
  
• Jesus fuck, I thought that Ellen Degeneres was miscast when they tried to make her look straight. Now Joan Cusack is somehow worse as this yandere. And it's not like she hasn't had better turns as villains before and after this movie was made.
  
• What's this? An original recording of a classic song? This time by Queen? And why did they repeat that last section of the solo before the last verse?
  
• Dressing up like a clown, taking her to see La Nozze di Figaro, and putting gum in a woman's hair? These psychopaths are lame.
  
• How did Inga try to assassinate Stevie Nicks? Putting gum in her hair?
  
• Oh, yes, the Van Gogh-style portrait Whitman made of himself is actually a nice touch.
  
• How is she out like a light? That bus looks like it didn't even hit her!
  
• Big sister? Just saying that? Why do I get the feeling that she
  
• You'll never lose him? First off, that looks more like an engagement ring than a wedding ring. Second, engagements can be called off, and marriages can end in divorce, third, that ring can come off, even if you have to do everything Ringo did in Help.
  
• Oh, look, he's reading The Fountainhead, I wonder if this signifies that Whitman is a selfish dickhole.
  
• Okay, I guess pulling someone's hair is a step above putting gum in it.
  
• Wait, Ellen's tied to a slab where she's supposed to be sacrificed, including by knife, also she's wearing a shirt dominated by red and probably had some colour bleed-through in the white stripes... is this little set piece an homage to Help?
  
• Fucking Hell, Whitman made these kids play with squirt guns and made Ellen think they were real. And why are they acting hike she's their mother? 
  
• LSD as a relaxant? How is something that has side effects of increasing one's heart rate and energy and a non-negligible chance of creating long-lasting anxiety and psychotic symptoms a relaxant?
  
• You do know that Whoopi wasn't the woman in love with the ghost in Ghost, right?
  
• Man, Whitman has more gaslighting connections than the Elan School.
  
• And when Walter came in to stop the wedding, he randomly concussed himself.
  
• You just know that when Walter was talking about spending the next couple years at sea, he was trying to keep himself from saying "because of the implication."
  
• And she's just randomly innocent of murder. Joan Cusack somehow managed to pull a George Hickey, and the ending is her henchman bringing Ellen away from the authorities and warning her that he'll still help Joan Cusack hunt her down.
  
• When did Deborah Kerr and Cary Grant walk into the desert sunset in An affair to Remember?
  
• So, the movie ends with Ellen taking a turn as soon as the sun sets to cross the border, Joan Cusack deciding to marry her henchman, and Whitman somehow alive and on a boat.
  

And next week, we'll go back to Tubi, close off Pride Month, and watch what may be both the worst gay movie ever and the worst Holocaust movie ever: The Singing Forest.

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project, The Singing Forest. It's an obscure film that would have stayed in obscurity if not for the fact that it's one of a handful of films to recieve a "1" on Metacritic. The only others to reach that point are Bio-Dome, Chaos, Death of a Nation, The Garbage Pail Kids, and United Passions. I've reviewed all but Chaos and Garbage Pail Kids, and the former isn't even on the So Bad It's Horrible List I use to curate films for the Deep Hurting Project. And speaking of which, the film's entry on the list points out that the only proof that the film even existed was a very small number of DVDs sold on Amazon and some MPEG torrents. But then, it ended up being sent to Tubi 20 years after it was originally made.

• Well, we're off to a good start. The movie looks like it was shot on ancient film stock, the sound was probably recorded by a potato. And the first scene is a man puking into a toilet for some reason.
  
• I can only assume that the columnist guy is shirtless for cheesecake-related reasons, but the film stock makes it hard to see anything.
  
• That doesn't look like a concentration camp!
  
• You know, it's a good thing that I keep the subtitles  on as a default, because the audio's so shit that I really needed them to get what's happening. And even then, the subtitles are unusally delayed, like they're writing it in real time.
  
• I swear, this shot of the cliffs was B-roll for an obscure Python sketch.
  
• So, here's the plot of the movie: the columnist has a daughter. Said daughter has a fiancee, and Daddy decides that said fiancee is the reincarnation of a lover he had in the Holocaust, which is inexplicably taking place in 1933, despite the fact that, at that point in time, the Final Solution hadn't even happened yet, the Nuremberg Laws didn't even get passed for two more years, and Hitler still had to technically share power with Hindenburg. I can make this out despite the fact that the audio of the tide on the shore is overpowering the dialogue. 
  
• Why is the music clearly being performed backwards?
  
• Oh, look, Sonny Boy is rebuffing Daddy's affections. At least he knows how creepy this is. 
  
• Is this supposed to be a time passing montage? Because the only thing that seems to be different is that the beer bottles keep changing position.
  
• Is that techno music with some guy's cancer kazoo providing the vocals? 
  
• You know, the fact that Sonny Boy has to ask that Daddy didn't take advantage of him sexually makes this even more off-putting.
  
• And just so everyone's clear, that's just Sonny Boy's knee sticking up, not his dick.
  
• "Our Little Secret?" That's literally the sort of shit a pedophile says to they kid they're fucking so they won't tell anyone. 
  
• They're barely even together, and he's already acting like a crazy boyfriend.
  
• Moving around from place to place=life under the Nazis, apparently. 
  
• You know what might actually help these scenes set in 1933? Actual motion. Or at least getting a different bed so it doesn't look like these beds separated by an ocean and 70 years don't look like they're the same fucking bed. 
  
• And this movie just ends. No real resolution, it just fucking stopped.
  

So, basically, The Singing Forest is not only the worst gay movie I've ever seen, but I suspect it might be the worst  movie period by this point.

[Gwaithmir]

[TheJefe817]

Mission Control Texas (2015) aka Atheist America (2017).

The debate scene at the end pretty much sums it up.  The theist talks for his full time and says nothing.  Matt just points this out.  No burden of proof, nothing to rebut.

[Rev. Rye]

So, this week in the Deep Hurting Project, Species: The Awakening. I have never watched the original series, but, fortunately, I have TVTropes to fill in the gaps of my knowledge, and this entry isn't so much of a sequel as a stand-alone film in the series. And I know little about the series, besides Natasha Henstridge's tits (which won't make an appearance in the movie, due to Henstridge not even appearing in the movie) and the fact that some woman in Puerto Rico watched the original movie and decided it was actually happening, and that's how the Chupacabra became a thing. 

• Side note: the Subspecies series also has a fourth film subtitled The Awakening, and I found this out because I accidentally clicked on it before I figured out that it wasn't the movie I was looking for after about a minute of production values even lower than this.
  
• Worth noting: the hero, played by Ben Cross, is called "Tom Hollander." The fact that he has the exact same name as a British actor who's already appeared in several award-winning film doesn't seem to have occurred to the makers. Also, he's frequently called Uncle  Tom, and it's bizarrely awkward, even if he's just a white dude, and, due to my actually reading Uncle Tom's Cabin, I know that most of the baggage that's come with the phrase doesn't actually have anything to do with the original.
  
• So, getting roofied triggers the girl's alien powers now?
  
• And, as far as I can see, the signs of her power seem to be limited to her killer tongue, reading a bizarrely thin volume of the Complete Works of Shakespeare just by touching the cover, and some auto mechanic savant skills.
  
• The CGI is honestly what I expect from a 2007 Syfy original film.
  
• Bizarrely, much of the film involves one of the creators of the alien girl trying to find the other creator in Mexico. This takes about a third of the movie, and once we find him, we find out he's dumb enough to use the alien DNA cloning tech to bring back people from the dead. This include a random nun who we see killing a dude that I initially thought was her. 
  
• So, from what I understand of the original movie, the bulk of the movie involved the alien girl trying to mate with some guys, and  killing them in the process. As I write this, the only sexual things are the scene where the cocreator is found fucking some random girl, and a scene where Ben Cross picks up a girl in a bar (so she can give her an alien transplant), and she robs him. It reads like this is a kid who hadn't yet become consciously attracted to girls wrote a fanfic and the Syfy network decided "fuck it, let's make it the treatment for the fourth movie."
  
• Is this weird Spinal Tap-looking pod in the previous three films?
  
• Huh. I blatantly underestimated the amount of titty there'd be in this SyFy original movie from 2007. Maybe the fact that I can remember a few years prior, when Janet Jackson had her career decimated after she had her right tit exposed on National TV, and assumed that this would be a sign that we don't get to see the girl's tits. Well, that and her killings in this movie up until the last quarter of runtime don't have any sort of the sexuality one would expect from a movie whose original entry had a score cue called "Milky Way Breasts." And even then, it's just her walking up to some guy topless and then using her killer tongue on his eye.
  
• So, as a sign of the alien transfusion, she's bi now? And into sex with a man who acted as her father all her life?
  
• Alien-poodle hybrids? You know, the sad thing is, that would probably make a better Syfy original movie than this.
  
• And we finally get the sort of sexy killing I'd expect from the franchise given its reputation about 80 minutes into this 97-minute and 56-second film. And between the shitty lighting and the fact that her alien form looks like the Green Goblin, it just doesn't work.
  

Next week, Zoo Wars.

[arewethereyet]

I watched Steel Magnolias earlier today. That's one of my guilty pleasures that I have to circle around to every so often.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

‘Godfather II’. 

Boru

[TheJefe817]

I'm on an international horror kick.  I followed up last weeks "Martyrs" (France) with this week's "Train to Busan" (S Korea), "Let the Right One In" (Sweden) and "A Tale of Two Sisters" (S Korea).

[TheJefe817]

I broke the international horror streak with "The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent".  About 30 minutes in, Nick Cage makes out with himself.  I'm pretty sure that, in his own mind, was the culmination of his career.  Perhaps his life.

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project: Zoo Wars.

• So, it's a battle of Nice vs. Mice? Well, at least they're not plagiarising the opening crawl to A New Hope.
  
• Why did they have to re-explain the significance of the Chosen one when they already explained it in the opening crawl, which just fucking happened? Did they need to repeat it in the most ear-bleeding tone of voice?
  
• Also, this was apparently done by the same people who did Star Paws. And, alas, it looks like they're not going to go for the same live action/animation hybrid they did for that one.
  
• Also, what's the point of calling the universe the zooverse? Is this the parallel world where zoophiles are right about animals being able to consent. 
  
• These computer keys are too small for your toes? At least you have hands.
  
• So, the chosen one is a psychotic elephant called Nuke. Got  it.  
  
• This movie's 70 minutes and 9 seconds long, is there so little material that they had to draw out "press enter?"
  
• Princess Sparklefeather? I thought Twilight Sparkle kept her name when she became an alicorn.
  
• You've got a trilogy whose combined length is over six hours, do you really have to draw everything out just to get it to 70 minutes?
  
• You've got one potentially good joke, about how B-52 is named after a new wave band, and yet you get the decade wrong? Or are their covers of "Meet the Flintstones" or the theme song to "Rocko's Modern Life" the only things you remember of them? 
  
• Huh. Nice to know that they had the foresight to parody DJ from Last Jedi before the Sequel Trilogy was a thing.
  
• Is this going to be Tarkin-Hippo's running gag? Being gay and attracted to Boo Boo Squeal? 
  
• You know, for someone named Sparklefeather, I'm noticing a noticable
  
• So is that the power of the Sauce? Just naming sauces? Not even using them on anyone? 
  
• And we're going to be pedantic about the difference between myths and legends? 
  
• You know, I was almost so engrossed in who won the black hole wars that I almost forgot about the Jabberjaw reference.
  
• Is it weird that I wish I was able to actually find a copy of Ratatoing for the Project?
  
• It's about two thirds of the movie, is The Sauce actually doing anything other than naming sauces?
  
• So, the Not-Obi Wan is more Not-Sequel Trilogy Luke. I just looked it up and the movie was actually made in 2018. So maybe the references to The Last Jedi might actually be more intentional than expected. 
  
• So, they basically mind-wiped the Chosen One because he was going to take over the world? And the same thing happened to Boo Boo Squeal, but he didn't mind-wipe him?
  
• And he's not even the chosen one? Except he's actually a flea on his earlobe? Did everybody involve smoke a bowl before writing or doing the voice acting? 
  
• Why the fuck is there hardly any action in the film? You'd think there would be at least some. You'd think there'd be some off-brand lightsaber battles. Christ, I'd at least settle for everyone making the lightsaber noise with their mouths. But the big climax? The flea removes himself from the elephant's earlobe, somehow gets in Boo Boo Squeal's ship and tickles him until he stops being evil.
  

You know what? For a better parody that distills the original trilogy, and at least has some comedy and action, watch this:




Or you can re-watch Spaceballs on Tubi.

Next week, I'll either take on The Avengers (not the one everyone knows; the one based on the 1960s British spy series), or, if ExpressVPN won't let me access Netflix Japan when I'm up in Wisconsin, Joe Piscopo: A Night at Club Piscopo.