Do you believe in marriage?

[Ciel_Rouge]

I once read a novel by Tolstoy called The Kreutzer Sonata where it was stated that people as a species are not really monogamous and if they do enter a monogamous relationship, it usually lasts about 4 years.

Now let me tell you what it looks like where I live. In Poland, when people turn about 25, their whole family and friends start "building the pressure". You are supposed to marry, not because you found someone worth marrying but because you have turned 25. And it is not even a person you like but the proper "marriage material", meaning a guy who has money or has a regular job.

From what I have observed, what happens then is nowhere near the "and lived happily ever after". I have seen the following variants:

1) a woman marries a rich guy that she does not even like, her own income is compromised and nullified by getting pregnant and leaving her job/career, she is now fully dependant financially. He loses interest in her around the time of pregnancy. She knows he is cheating on her but still tries to conform with what she had been taught. As years pass, the discrepancy between what she really wants and what she is doing and pretends to be doing becomes so huge that she becomes psychotic, paranoid, schizofrenic etc.

2) a woman marries an average guy - same here, but in addition to pretending etc. she has to face the constant financial struggle, she is usually forced to work herself but her whole income is devoured by the cost of raising children while the guy is trying to accumulate some "wealth" and buys a car A lot of psychological abuse added, similar psychosis results later on.

Now I would say those two are 99 % of all cases.

3) a woman marries a guy she actually LIKES - a completely different psychological landscape, a lot of support and inspiration instead of abuse and repression. BUT: as years pass, they too realize that after a few years (maybe a bit longer) having sex with the same person every time feels ever more unnatural and less appealing. Depending on the level of their religious bigotry, they either finally "cheat" and possibly break up thereafter, or they start an honest "open" relationship of some sort.

Now one could ask: why go through all this struggle at all? Why not admit humans are not monogamous and can only be forced into pretending mutual or one-sided monogamy...

I mean: wouldn't you consider a person deciding to read only one book for a lifetime to be somewhat limited or plainly crazy? Why can't we just follow and express our true feelings instead of hurting each other by constantly pretending?

Of course some of you would say that marriage is there to protect chilren. But do we all need to have children? There are SEVEN BILLION people in the world. And even this aside, chilren often realize that their parents pretend and do not have good feelings for each other or even have become enemies.

The religious people will marry because their God says they are supposed to ;-) I know a lot of people who do not care about religion but marriage is the only time when it becomes important for them - so they do not even belive in God, they believe in MARRIAGE, they believe they should find one single person to have sex with etc.

What do you think? Do you believe in marriage?

[Minimalist]

I've been married 42 years. I'm not allowed to have an opinion.

[Something completely different]

depends on who I`m marrying?

[Minimalist]

Not really.

[pocaracas]

Been married for some 7 years... no cheating and sex is still nice and dandy like it used to be. I guess it helps when I keep playing the dumb horny teenager and she keeps playing the chaste catholic.

[Something completely different]

Have been married for 1015 years. A releation with it`s ups and lows.

[Anomalocaris]

I've been married 42 years. I'm not allowed to have an opinion.

You are allowed to have an opinion. In fact you are no doubt strongly encouraged form opinions everyday so that you might be tormented with suffering the opinion in silence, everyday.

I am getting married soon, so I am allowed some gallow humor.

[Minimalist]

You'll learn.

[Reasonable_Jeff]

I have been married for a little over a year now and we have a 5 month old little girl. It has been the best thing that I've done so far. It takes constant work, but the reward is well worth it.

[festive1]

I do believe in marriage. I've been married for 7 years and with my husband for 11. I think where people get tripped up (at least in American culture) is the idea that you will find one soul mate that will complete you. That's a load of hooey.
My husband was previously married, and when we first started dating he was adamant about never getting married again. His first wife cheated on him, and we had conversations early on where we agreed that if either of us wanted to be with someone else that we would have enough respect for the other person to break things off first. That still stands.
We are both happy and satisfied with our sex life. We enjoy each other's company, and we have a lot of common values and interests, though we each have things that we enjoy individually too. And there's the kids, which are grand :-) Seriously, I fell in love with my husband all over again when I saw him become a dad.
I've seen a rash of middle age crisis divorces lately. Couples that have been together for 20+ years, raised a family together, only to become empty nesters and realize they don't have a connection to their spouse anymore. My husband and I have openly discussed this kind of thing and have been making efforts to ensure we get date nights and stay connected as a couple. I think that's the trick: Open communication and making time to stay connected.