joke time

[Cyberman]

How about a pecan instead?

I won't, thanks.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

My girl told me, 'Kiss me where it smells', so I had to drive all the way to Liverpool.

Boru

[Cyberman]

Took a girl out to the pictures last night. Nobody could see us in the darkness of the back row, so I carefully unbuttoned myself and guided her hand to my lap.

"What's all this then?" she smiled.

I grinned back and said, "It's all I have!"

"You lying git," she said. "I saw you buy twenty before we came in."

[Cyberman]

I couldn't believe it when I found out my niece is doing heroin. I mean, she's only 12. They shoot up so quickly these days, don't they?

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

A professor at uni is delivering his usual lecture on Middle English literature when he noticed one of his students sleeping in his desk at the back.  Without hesitation, the professor sailed a copy of 'The Canterbury Tales' across the room, hitting the sleeping youth firmly in the head.  He leapt to his feet, and dazedly asked, 'What the hell was that??'

'That, young man,' replied the professor, 'was a flying Chaucer.'

Boru

[Cyberman]

I think I posted this before, but the wonderful I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue, under the chairmanship of the irreplaceable Humphrey Lyttleton, once served up the following delicious helping in the occasional "Limericks" round. Basically Humph gave the opening line, then each contestant - Graeme Garden, Barry Cryer, Willie Rushton and Jeremy Hardy standing in for Tim Brooke-Taylor - supplied the rest in turn:

As I reached for my copy of Chaucer,
I awkwardly fell on a saucer.
I started to swoon
When I noticed the spoon
At this point the story gets coarser.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Heard this one yonks ago in the film 'Breaker Morant':

'There once was a man from Australia
Who painted his arse like a dahlia.
The colour was fine,
Likewise the design -
'But the aroma? phew! THAT was a failia.'

Boru

[bennyboy]

So this girl wants to go out with her friends.
She asks her step-dad if she can use the car.
"Sure," he replies. "But you have to do something for me. You have to blow me."
She's shocked, but she figures it won't be so bad, and she really wants that car.
She begins her "chore," and after a few seconds, she gets a strange look on her face.
"Dad," she says in disgust. "Your dick tastes like SHIT!"
"Oh yeah," he responds. "That reminds me. . . your brother has the car tonight."

[ignoramus]

Benny, that's just sick!

As you all may be aware that Subway is now not offering pork or bacon based products in their menu in some sensitive areas, in order to be PC.

But now the stupid hardware shops are no longer stocking planks of wood or 9 inch nails so as to not offend Christians!

[Rhondazvous]

A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He currently asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.

          The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab
and opened the door.

          The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing? "
          The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so piss off and wait for a camel!"

That was funny. Here's another about taxi cabs.

A man was riding in a cab and wanted to aask the driver a question, so he tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver shrieked, lost control of the cab and plowed into a crash can on the sidewalk.

Passenger: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. I just wanted to ask a question.
Driver: It's not your fault. It's me. This is my first day driving a ccab. For the last 25 years I've been drivifng a Hearse.