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RE: joke time
August 12, 2015 at 6:31 pm
Inscription on a tombstone
"I told those doctors I was sick."
The god who allows children to be raped out of respect for the free will choice of the rapist, but punishes gay men for engaging in mutually consensual sex couldn't possibly be responsible for an intelligently designed universe.
I may defend your right to free speech, but i won't help you pass out flyers.
Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities.
--Voltaire
Nietzsche isn't dead. How do I know he lives? He lives in my mind.
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RE: joke time
August 27, 2015 at 4:01 pm
What do you call it when Batman leaves church early?
Boru
‘But it does me no injury for my neighbour to say there are twenty gods or no gods. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.’ - Thomas Jefferson
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RE: joke time
August 28, 2015 at 9:22 am
Roses are green
And your mouth is blue
if you open Photoshop
and fuck with the hue
"Every luxury has a deep price. Every indulgence, a cosmic cost. Each fiber of pleasure you experience causes equivalent pain somewhere else. This is the first law of emodynamics [sic]. Joy can be neither created nor destroyed. The balance of happiness is constant.
Fact: Every time you eat a bite of cake, someone gets horsewhipped.
Facter: Every time two people kiss, an orphanage collapses.
Factest: Every time a baby is born, an innocent animal is severely mocked for its physical appearance. Don't be a pleasure hog. Your every smile is a dagger. Happiness is murder.
Vote "yes" on Proposition 1321. Think of some kids. Some kids."
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RE: joke time
August 30, 2015 at 10:43 am
Little Johnny was in the Church vestibule looking at a row of photographs of young men in uniforms.
Little Johnny: (to his pastor) Who are those guys in the photographs?
Pastor: (proudly) Those are our young men who died in service.
Little Johnny (after giving it some thought) Was it the 9 o’clock service or the 11 o’clock service?
The god who allows children to be raped out of respect for the free will choice of the rapist, but punishes gay men for engaging in mutually consensual sex couldn't possibly be responsible for an intelligently designed universe.
I may defend your right to free speech, but i won't help you pass out flyers.
Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities.
--Voltaire
Nietzsche isn't dead. How do I know he lives? He lives in my mind.
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RE: joke time
August 30, 2015 at 11:42 am
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant building. One day a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house on the empty plot. The young family's 5 year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. They even gave her very own hard hat and gloves.
At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
"You must have worked very hard to earn all this", said the bank cashier. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with the men building a big house."
"My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?" The little girl thought for a moment and said... "I think so.... provided those pricks at Jewson deliver the fucking bricks."
At the age of five, Skagra decided emphatically that God did not exist. This revelation tends to make most people in the universe who have it react in one of two ways - with relief or with despair. Only Skagra responded to it by thinking, 'Wait a second. That means there's a situation vacant.'
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RE: joke time
August 30, 2015 at 1:06 pm
Roses are reddish.
Violets are bluish.
If it wasn't for Jesus,
More folks would be Jewish.
Boru
‘But it does me no injury for my neighbour to say there are twenty gods or no gods. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.’ - Thomas Jefferson
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RE: joke time
August 30, 2015 at 1:26 pm
(This post was last modified: August 30, 2015 at 1:29 pm by Rhondazvous.)
A girl l buys a parrot and asks the salesman if he can talk.
Salesman: Oh yea. He’s a riot.
So the girl takes the parrot to a dance club on a Saturday night. When the music starts, the parrot starts squawking.
Parrot: Look the roof is on fire. Burn motherfucker! Burn!
The whole club just rolls with laughter. The next day the girl takes the parrot to church. To her mortification when the music starts the parrot starts squawking.
Parrot: Look the roof is on fire. Burn motherfucker! Burn!
Girl: Shh, parrot. Not here.
Parrot: Why not? These are the same motherfuckers who were at the club last night.
The god who allows children to be raped out of respect for the free will choice of the rapist, but punishes gay men for engaging in mutually consensual sex couldn't possibly be responsible for an intelligently designed universe.
I may defend your right to free speech, but i won't help you pass out flyers.
Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities.
--Voltaire
Nietzsche isn't dead. How do I know he lives? He lives in my mind.
Posts: 25314
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Joined: August 26, 2010
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RE: joke time
August 30, 2015 at 1:40 pm
A squirrel is sitting on a branch, high up in a tall tree, just gazing out and enjoying the sunshine.
He hears a rustling below him; looking down, he sees a cow climbing the tree. The cow climbs higher and higher and then clambers out onto the branch, then sits down beside the squirrel.
"Morning!" says the cow. The squirrel cranes his neck. "Er... hello," he says, uncertainly. "Erm... forgive my asking," he says, "but what brings you all the way up here?"
"Me?" says the cow, "Oh, I've just come up here to eat some apples."
"Oh," says the squirrel. "You, er... you do know this is an oak tree?"
"It's ok," says the cow, "I brought my own apples."
At the age of five, Skagra decided emphatically that God did not exist. This revelation tends to make most people in the universe who have it react in one of two ways - with relief or with despair. Only Skagra responded to it by thinking, 'Wait a second. That means there's a situation vacant.'
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RE: joke time
September 4, 2015 at 6:59 am
(This post was last modified: September 4, 2015 at 7:00 am by ignoramus.)
Q. When do you kick a midget in the balls?
A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice
Q: What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?
A: Your job still sucks!
Q: Whats long and hard and has cum in it?
A: a cucumber
Q: How do you kill a circus clown?
A: Go for the juggler!
Q: Who was the worlds first carpenter?
A: Eve, because she made Adams banana stand
Q: Why can't you play Uno with a Mexican?
A: They steal all the green cards.
Q: What does it mean when your boyfriend is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Boy: "Want to hear a joke about my dick? Never mind, its too long."
Girl: "Wanna hear a joke about my pussy? Never mind, you won't get it."
Q: What's a porn star's favorite drink?
A: 7 Up in cider.
Q: What's the difference between a bowling ball and a blonde?
A: You can only fit three fingers inside a bowling ball!
Q: What do preists and Mcdonalds have in common?
A: They both stick there meat in 10 year old buns
Q: What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?
A: One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.
Q: Why don't black people go on cruises?
A: They already fell for that trick once.
Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.
Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
Q: What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control?
A: A trip without the kids!
Q: What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?
A: a PDF File.
Q: Why did God create orgasms?
A: So women can moan even when they're happy
Q: Whats the best thing about dating homeless chicks?
A: You can drop them off anywhere.
Q: Did you hear about the cannibal who commited suicide?
A: He got himself into a real stew.
Q: Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backwards?
A: They like the part where the prostitute gives the money back.
Q: What does a rubix cube and a Penis have in common?
A: The more you play with it the harder it gets.
Q: How do you know if your boyfriend has a high sperm count?
A: You have to chew before you swallow!
Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.
Q: What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
A: Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12
If you force sex on a prostitute, is it rape or shoplifting?
The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word 'Facial' is used.
Women fake orgasms to have relationships. Men fake relationships to have orgasms.
White people fairy tales: Once upon a time.
Black people fairy tales: Yall motherfuc*as ain't believe dis' shit!
No God, No fear.
Know God, Know fear.
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RE: joke time
September 4, 2015 at 1:35 pm
A man was at a bar at closing time when the bartender told him he had to leave. So the man slipped off the bar stool and fell flat on his face. Then he pulled himself up on the stool, stepped out and fell flat on his face again. So he decided to crawl home. When he got to his porch, he pulled himself up on the door stoop, stepped out and again fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl up to his room. When he got there, he pulled himself up on his bed and fell flat on it. Since he had planned to go to bed anyway, he decided to just stay there all night. In the morning his wife shook him awake.
Wife: Been out drinking again, I see.
Man: Why dear, whatever makes you say that?
Wife: The bartender called. You left your wheelchair at the pub again.
The god who allows children to be raped out of respect for the free will choice of the rapist, but punishes gay men for engaging in mutually consensual sex couldn't possibly be responsible for an intelligently designed universe.
I may defend your right to free speech, but i won't help you pass out flyers.
Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities.
--Voltaire
Nietzsche isn't dead. How do I know he lives? He lives in my mind.
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