joke time

[Brian37]

An exorcist walks into a bar. 

The bartender asks, "What are you doing here?"

Exorcist, "Driving away the spirits."

[Brian37]

Nunburg, "Missen osseefeer Mueller, I'm not as think as you drunk I am. I can't say my C-B-A's. HEY that white chalk line is moving all over the blacktop."............ Next morning, " I need to lay off the Absinthe."

[Minimalist]

From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.
 Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin, Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
 The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
 After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
 Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
 At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
 The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.
 To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
 Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
 "I doubt it", said the truly proud Texan.  "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[Minimalist]

Donald Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would-be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?” Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout “Donald, duck!”

[Fireball]

From Sean Morey-

I want to live my next life backwards:
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.
Then, you get kicked out for being too healthy.
Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you’re too young to work.
You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party and you’re generally promiscuous.
Then, you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then, you become a baby, and then… you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in Spa-like conditions – Central heating, room service on tap, and then…
You finish off as an orgasm!

[vulcanlogician]

What's blue and doesn't weigh much?

Light blue.

[rskovride]

I like to tell jokes to my students at work to ease their nerves. After an expertly executed joke about a cow, a ten year old little girl (the daughter of one of my students) approached me and this was our dialogue.

Girl: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: I don't know why?
Girl: To see the ugly guy.
Me: *doesn't get it*  ...... Ok
Girl: Knock knock
Me: Who's there?
Girl: Its the chicken.


Trolled pretty hard by a 10 year old.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

In fond memory of Emma Chambers:

What's brown and sticky?

---

A stick.

---

Boru

[vulcanlogician]

An atheist dies and goes to hell...

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!"

They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. "These are your cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?".

They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn´t be any happier. The devil says "Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!"

As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulfur is in the air.

Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil "What is going on there?" The devil just shrugs and says: "Those are the christians, I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way"

[Brian37]

I think it is mean to call them "Meerkats". Exactly what is it Meerkats don't have that lions and tigers do have?