A World Made For Believers, Obviously By The Divine

[LivingNumbers6.626]

Why do you think that pretending to become a mormon will make you self-sufficient?   It sounds like your bipolar disorder and depression are your biggest  reasons for your current state.  Maybe you are not perceiving things the way they really are.  It seems your family loves you and it's probably true that they wish you would go back to mormonism, but you say that the way they feel about your situation is not presented orally, but rather you can tell from other things they say.  Are you exaggerating what you perceive?  You say that you love your family.  Why not just accept their love and love them back?  You don't have to accept their mormonism, but you can respect them and their beliefs and let them know about your beliefs in a respectful manner.  I don't see any reason to use them to get back on your feet and then blow them off.  Why not accept their love and love them in return?  Many people living in the streets don't have caring families that will give them help.  You're lucky.  Anyway, I do hope that you are getting the right medication and that you can pull things together.  Hey man, your're only 22 and you have many years ahead.  Others have gotten through things like this and you can too.  Find some others who have faced similar experiences and use them for role models.  If they can do it, you can too.   

I would agree.  Your family probably does love you.  Your current state is probably psychological, not just that your family is mormon.  They appear to love you despite you beliefs, or lack there of.  In that respect you are lucky.   I'm not suggesting they are right about Joseph Smith, but they do appear to love you.  I'd concentrate on the medical end of this and with luck when you are well you will be better able to love them back mormanism and all.

I've faced depression.  It's hard.  But saying it's the fault of others is no helpful, ever.  

I'm not blaming or pointing fingers. Sure, I do address the realities of my family when I see them. Right now my first priority is my health, mental and physical. I return to work on Wednesday. 

I graciously convey my love and gratitude to them whenever I can. I am in debt to their kindness. But I suppose it is something about Mormon culture that makes it hard for outsiders to understand. 

I been here for nearly 6 months now. They serve it as a sort of "prodigal son returns." I have attended to church with them on a regular basis out of respect. But now there is increased dinners with the missionaries. The scriptures they share are always about the "blessings of the gospel and repentence." Like....every single time. So who is the only person in the family that needs to "repent"? Well me of course. 

My mother is now starting to ask me to pray and they are requesting that I begin scripture study again. 

My father on the other hand uses my mental state as an excuse for my apostasy and failures. 

All these are very vocal. Just the part about "hey, come back to church for real and get re-baptized" is not vocal. Mormons do not operate like that for the most part. It is always in baby steps. That's how they treat investigators. First it's dinner with the missionaries. Then it's a church potluck. Then it's a request for church attendance, then the bishop or some Preisthood leader will befriend you to try to expedite baptism by making you basically fall in love with the community and culture of mormonism. Then after baptism they'll give you a calling to try to ground you in the faith for a year. 

This is why I am going to have to keep up with the tempo. I can tell that my parents are growing impatient. 

My grandmother is more direct...she is very firm on "you need to come back to church and commit again."

Anyways. I appreciate you guys' well wishes. But I assure you. After coming out mania, I see the system for what it is. My medications are kicking ass, my coping skills can use work, but my mind? Best it's been in 3 years after my last hospitalization in February.