More proof god hates me

[zentor]

Cool Annik
Ya I been trying Buddhist philosophy , detachment and meditation to calm down
It help a bit but when I have my depression episodes nothing can stop
Graphic design is cool, I started going for IT in college am good with computers but hate doing assignments like programmig and database made me more suicidal!
So then switched to psychology and was doing good until I got expelled
I wanted to go to college here in fall but just seeing the people and the campus gave me anxiety I don't think I can

---

Please don't ne mad at the myth guy, I'm not offended at all
And I'm very sensitive online,
He is right I think, maybe there's no god, but my illness makes god so real to me it causes all the problems in my life
Like in matrix they say perception isn't always reality
But to change the perception is the hard part

[Annik]

Psychology is very interesting. Maybe you should find a college that will let you pay for classes/credit hours individuality. You can take it slow with one course at a time to ease your anxiety. Some universities and community colleges allow for online course, but I wouldn't try an online college. They mostly are scams/outrageously expensive. Meditation is pretty cool. Try looking into self-hypnosis, too (it's only going to work if you want it to, though, really it's just another form of meditation and I like best). I understand the part about not being able to stop the depression, though. It's a like a really fast train and you are well... just a person on the tracks. Just be Superman! (Haha) Do visit the mental illness support thread. We have a group of people with bipolar, OCD, depression, anxiety. We can all relate at least on that level. : )

[zentor]

Ya I tried community college before but hated it
One reason I want college is to have friends
In 2011 when I was in the hospital I dreamed I died and was in heaven and heaven to me was on a beach with girlfriend and all my friends having fun
Then in spring semester break this year I was on beach wiu my gf and friends and I closed my eyes and thought I was in heaven.
Then next week gf cheated and I threatened suicide on fb and of expelled
So i felt very betrayed by god, in a instant life went from bad to good to worse. And I'm 23 now, getting older and older and accomplishing nothing

[Annik]

23 is still very young. Don't fret. I'm be happy if I can have any kind of job when I'm that old. I understand what you're feeling. I don't get much accomplishment from school, and I used to get that feeling from a job I had once, but none of my current jobs give me that satisfaction. I think you should try and find some work. Like, work with a friendly environment that maybe doesn't require a lot of customer service stuff. This might be difficult, but try not to place your personal value on if you have friends or a girlfriend. There are a LOT of single people out there and a girl worth waiting for is out there somewhere.

[zentor]

Man i know!!
Last few weeks I was doing good and applying for jobs
Got a job at Walmart and on second day during the modules i freaked out
I had like 6 pages of modules and they all had tests and I just kept failing and failing and was like screwwwthiasa and stormed off and said I was going to die
That got me a few days in the hospital
Been applying for more jobs but idk if i can even hold one, my longest job never been more than 3 months I always end up going crazy because I stay stable for about a week then depressed for dew days then again stable , etc
I worry I can't even work at Walmart hat hope do i have?
And not working sucks more, just sit at home all day is boring cuz I don't like tv and my mmo games even stress me out now

Also I feel lonely all the time
People talk to me online but as soon as they leave again I feel lonely

[Annik]

I think you should look more into an office environment. Walmart is people everywhere, all the time. I wouldn't work there if they paid me (<- Lol)!

[zentor]

Tbh it wasnt the modules , If I was feeling okay I could have done it fine
Like last week I could have done it fine
And i love being around people I'm very social like a golden retriever
And lotta hot chic work at my Walmart
God idk I tried all my coping skills, deep breathing, muscle relaxation, though monitorif, detachment
But just couldn't do it

[LiberalHearted]

its not so easy every second i suffer no one can udnerstand my pain

this is my only escape - lithium tablets and alchohol

Listen, see a good shrink. Don't mix lithium w/booze. I can tell a horror story (sadly true) about mixing shit.

I have depression, sleeplessness aka insomnia and a number of other ailments. I take Cymbalta see a shrink and a therapist. Getting out of bed is hard as hell.

Booze is a depressant, may "help" for the up moments of bipolar, but long run known leads to death. There are so fucking many pills that are prescribed that work try a new one.

[Jackalope]

zentor - let me repeat the advice of others and say mixing booze with lithium is not a good idea.

I have bipolar type 1 (for about 25 years), and while I can't claim to truly understand what you're going through, a lot of what you've said is very familiar to me. When you're in the middle of it, it can feel like it's impossible to cope with.

All you can do is the best you're capable of at the moment, but remember that you can learn to do better. Be gentle on yourself. Use your tools the best you can, and stick with your treatment.

[zentor]

cool

i am trying to get back on my workout plan - in the spring i got shredded while at college btu last few days im startign to gain weight again cuz just eating, sleeping, and bitching on the internet all day

but i have 0 motivation. back then i had motivation cuz always went out - but now i know ill be on disability forever and what will ido with this body?

and dont care about being healthy, cuz then ill have to live and suffer longer

i was doing perfect again til like last week when i saw the campus and people and anxiety and all hte hot girls who have better lives than me

now i just want to just live in SWTOR