Divorce and the kids

[Dragonetti]

I hope you figure out your own way Ivy. Do not listen to all the haters!

[kılıç_mehmet]

I have heard all of them:
Your kids should be your priority.
Your kids will suffer the most.
Think about how your decision will affect them.
This isn't about you, it's about the kids.

Just where does the line fall between it being okay to stick to it for the sake of the kids and when it is appropriate to get a divorce? Is it right to stay in a relationship that is hurtful, quiet (conversations never happen), and constantly breaking for the sake of the kids? Is this healthy for them?
What do you think about divorce when kids are in the picture?

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* best... Not beat lol

Well, unless the marriage is more harmful to the kids than divorce itself is, couples should stick together and try to make it work.

[Brakeman]

If someone drives their car into a tree, and they claim it was all the car's fault, it's "hateful" to suggest to them that they might want to examine their driving skills before buying another car.

[NoraBrimstone]

If someone drives their car into a tree, and they claim it was all the car's fault, it's "hateful" to suggest to them that they might want to examine their driving skills before buying another car.

False analogy. Try again.

[Jackalope]

If someone drives their car into a tree, and they claim it was all the car's fault, it's "hateful" to suggest to them that they might want to examine their driving skills before buying another car.

False analogy. Try again.

No kidding. If a car were capable of committings acts analogous to acts of violence against the driver, fucking anything in a skirt, failing to try and keep a job; and gambling, drinking and drugging away the rent money, the analogy might apply.

Great environment for children, that.

[max-greece]

I haven't voted in the pole simply because I believe it is impossible to do so.

In some cases I guess it is better to get divorced. In others counselling and in others to live together but with some degree (varying according to case) of autonomy.

I guess my advice to Ivy is that if you and your husband can agree a path forwards (whatever that might be) then that is probably the right thing to do - although frankly you will never really know.

If you decide on divorce for the kids the most important thing as far as I can see is to keep them informed. Tell them what is happening and why, as best you can (assuming they are of an age where they can understand). Tell them repeatedly its nothing to do with them and its not their fault. Explain that each of you loves them but not each other and that in the end they will see its better for everyone this way.

Whatever you do the kids will likely be upset for a while. That's OK - its normal but kids are resilient and they'll get over it. Just make sure you both make a fuss over them.

[Captain Colostomy]

I have no doubt there was a great deal of wishful thinking on her part in the beginning. Beyond that I couldn't say. People exhibit bad judgment, and sometimes end up with children as a result.

The guy is pretty charming when he wants to be. In my unprofessional opinion, he's a sociopath.

I know this type. 240 lb. male vs. 105 lb. female match ups rarely end well for the wife. When I found out, the pussy got his ass handed to him along with promises of future pain. The douchebag moved them out of reach.

He was my best friend, and the woman is my wife's cousin.

They eventually split, but he apparently kept up his ways. One night after a threatening phone call by him, she scooped up her kids and made a hasty retreat. The weather and road conditions were bad, unfortunately...only she survived.

Two children's lives destroyed by acrimonious divorce.

The whole tale is even more depressing. I'm looking at the baby picture of the boy now...damn...he'd be in college right now. Painful to think about.

Anyway...this doesn't really address Ivy's position so I'll stop yammering.

[Fruity]

I will make it short since this is from my phone. Yes, I do have fault. I am human. My fault was getting married to someone I didn't know well enough eight years ago because the pastor said it was what the god would want.

Things do not always fit a pattern. Sometimes people get a divorce because one of them is abusive. Sometimes one cheats. Sometimes the emotional abuse is too much. Sometimes it's more complicated than this. My case is complicated and I can't share details, but I can say I don't consider him a monster... Just a good person who doesn't know any better. I can't keep waiting. Tomorrow is not certain. Life is too short. My kids need peace. I need peace.

That one has some fault does not mean one should stay. The problem started then. It has to end now. Sticking to something forever just because I had some fault is not logical.

I change my mind with new information. Eight years of it.

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Also, the car example is way off. The tree just stands there. People do much more than that, you know.

[KichigaiNeko]

For what it may be worth Ivy....

My children's dad suffered from PTSD and so was always on the lookout for "Charlie". When I said I had had enough of him avoiding me and the kids his only question was, what about the kids?
I replied that between the two of us they will be fine; it was up to him to stay in touch with them. I told the children that it wasn't their fault it was just that even though we were very fond of each other, we just couldn't live under the same roof.

Need I tell you. The kids grew up just fine and weekends with daddy were something they looked forward to as he would make time to spend time with them....little buggers...they got up to all sorts of mischief with daddy. They miss him terribly but they are ok.

Oh better qualify that ....daddy died in 2006.

[festive1]

I haven't read through the thread, and I'm sure it's been stated before:
The thing is to weigh the harm done to kids by seeing an unfulfilling relationship between their parents and the harm potentially done by a divorce. In some cases the harm of a divorce is minimal if it means they get two (or even just one) healthier/happier parents out of it. Parents that are healthier and happier, are by definition, better parents, and ultimately that's better for kids. Kids pick up on and know when things aren't right. Hell, you're a social worker, you know that. The question is, is it a bad enough example for the kids, and are you unhappy enough to go through and have the kids go through with a divorce? I'm sorry you're in a position to have to weigh this. It sucks ((hugs)).

But, be honest with your kids. When my parents divorced, I asked my mom why they got divorced she said, "Well, Mommy and Daddy don't love each other anymore." I found this profoundly confusing. A: It was clear my dad was (and still is) totally in love with my mom (go figure, it's dysfunctional and weird, but true). B: I had never identified my mother as being in love with my father... So why the divorce now? Dad had been a raging, abusive alcoholic for decades, why leave now? I just didn't get it, still don't. Her lack of honesty made me mistrustful of her.