joke time

[ignoramus]

He he.... She's gonna kick your ass in the ass!

[Rhondazvous]

Great. Now I have to buy a donkey.

Or should I say arse

---

Now see when somebody says they will kick my ass, I say you'll kiss what?

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Why can't atheists solve exponential equations?

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Because we don't believe in higher powers.

---

Boru

[chimp3]

Did you hear about the explosion in the French cheese factory?

Du Brie was everywhere!

[Little lunch]

When an animal is 'on heat', that means it wants to have sex.
That's my defence, anyway.

[The Valkyrie]

Borrowing from Billy Connolly.

If you have a female dachshund that's in heat just keep it upstairs.

It will be perfectly safe from males.

Have you ever seen a dachshund run upstairs with a hard on?

[Mr.Obvious]

Three vampire sons of Dracula are summoned by their unholy father.

"Spawn." The vile beast says unto them from the dungeons of his castle. "This night is the night. This night, is yours. Go out for the first time. Spread your wings: Fly. And feast on the villagers. Yet remember, ... While any blood shall sustain us. None is so satisfying as that of a virgin."

Laughing darkly, the three young vampires set out under the light of the full moon and descend on the neigboring town.
The first returns shortly after midnight. A single trickle of blood showing from the corner of his mouth, the dashing rogue presents himself to his fater, kneeling honorably.
"My lord. My lord." He says, a voice hinting excitement.
"Yes, my son?" The count towers over him. "How did you fare?"
"Do you see that huge church tower?"
Over his son's bowing head, the count looks over. "Yes." He speaks calmly.
"Beneath it I found aa huge herd of sheep in pens." The son goes on relentlessly. "And I chose the fattest one I could find and drained it completely."
"A sheep?" The count's disdainful voice bellows. " A SHEEP? You are the son of the son of the devil! Have you no pride?! Have you no shame!?"
"Sorry father! Sorry!" The first son apologizes profoundly. "It's just that you said any blood would..."
"Move aside!" Dracula pushed him out of the way. "Your brother draws near. I sense him. Perhaps he proved a better son."

And indeed. A bat's shape against the white moon returned hastened towards the dark castle.
Mid air, it changed shape, right in front of it's father and landed on one knee, bowing.
"My lord. My lord." His voice betrayed his adventurous spirit.
"Yes, my son?" Dracula asked. "How did you fare?"
"Do you see that huge church tower?" The younger vampire asked, looking up and showing multiple trickles of blood running from his mouth.
"Yes."
"Beneath it I found a shepherd's cottage. The shepherd was inside, fast asleep. He was the father of a young, beautiful woman. I could not find the virgin but I took the shepherd and drained him whole."
"Hmph." The Count grunted. "Rise. At least you fared better than your brother with his sheep. But you should have found a more apt pray than a middle-aged man. Both of you, remember: no blood is as satisfying as that of a young virgin!"

Many hours pass. And the third brother still doesn't return. As the cusp of the sun looms at the horizon, threatening to rise, Dracula and his two sons truly worry.
Until, finally, one of the brothers yells. "I see him! I see him!"
And indeed, as Dracula focusses his gaze, he sees a bat lifting from the shepherd's field. The bat's movements are groggy and disoriented. As if drunk. The bat races against the threatening sunlight, Climbing and falling, Climbing and falling, until he finally reaches the nearest window of the castle and crashes in, right before the chasing sunlight reached him.

"Come, my sons!" Dracula shouts, turning and moving out of the room, his cape trailing behind him.

Together the three reach the lower levels, where they find their fellow vampire sitting in the shadows, exhausted, in human form. His entire face drenched in blood. A madness shining from his eyes, behind the red.
Dracula and his other two sons kneel by the third.
'He drank a Virgins blood!' Dracula thinks to himself.
"My lord." The third son croaks, leaning back.
"My son!" Dracula exclaims. "How did you fare?"
The third son points out to the town. "Do you see that huge, church tower?" He asks.
'The shepherds daughter!' Dracula realizes. "Yes!" He shouts happily.
"I didn't."

[ignoramus]

Hey Obv. That was a time of the month joke wasn't it? Yes, I'm slow, I know...

[Mr.Obvious]

Hey Obv. That was a time of the month joke wasn't it? Yes, I'm slow, I know...

You have a dirty mind Ignoramus.

Treasure it.

[Edwardo Piet]

A guy goes into the dentist and says:

"I think I'm a moth."

"A moth?"

"Yes, a moth. I think I'm a moth."

"What do you mean?"

"I think I might actually be a moth."

"You need a psychiatrist mate, not a dentist."

"I know that already."

"Then why the fuck are you here?"

"Because the light was on."