Our server costs ~$56 per month to run. Please consider donating or becoming a Patron to help keep the site running. Help us gain new members by following us on Twitter and liking our page on Facebook!
Current time: December 15, 2024, 11:38 am

Thread Rating:
  • 1 Vote(s) - 5 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
joke time
RE: joke time
(September 30, 2015 at 1:11 pm)Stimbo Wrote: Only the record for the most consecutive swearwords without repetition.

That must have sounded lovely with a British assent. Glad you didn't break the guitar strings. They're priceless, you know.
The god who allows children to be raped out of respect for the free will choice of the rapist, but punishes gay men for engaging in mutually consensual sex couldn't possibly be responsible for an intelligently designed universe.

I may defend your right to free speech, but i won't help you pass out flyers.

Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities.
--Voltaire

Nietzsche isn't dead. How do I know he lives? He lives in my mind.
Reply
RE: joke time
Q: How can you tell when bagpipes are out of tune?

A: Someone is playing them.

Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
Reply
RE: joke time
Last night, I had a terrible dream. I dreamed that I was being chased by a coffin. It was chasing me all over the house. Laughing a horrible coffin laugh, “Hah hah hah hah.” And a little voice telling me, “Go in the bathroom.” But I said, “no, I can’t go in the bathroom. I’ll be trapped.” So I kept running and the coffin kept chasing me. I tried to get out the front door, but it blocked my way. Laughing that horrible coffin laugh, “Hah hahah ha hah.” It was gaining on me. Almost had me when the little voice whispered again. “Go in the bathroom. Go in the bathroom, fool.” So in desperation, I ducked into the bathroom. The coffin laughed. “You’re mine now, baby.” I was so scared. There was nowhere to go. No way out. The coffin was coming closer and closer. I reached into the medicine cabinet, pulled out the cough syrup and the cough syrup stopped the coffin.
The god who allows children to be raped out of respect for the free will choice of the rapist, but punishes gay men for engaging in mutually consensual sex couldn't possibly be responsible for an intelligently designed universe.

I may defend your right to free speech, but i won't help you pass out flyers.

Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities.
--Voltaire

Nietzsche isn't dead. How do I know he lives? He lives in my mind.
Reply
RE: joke time
A Scottish gentlemen knows how to play the bagpipes, but politely refrains.

* * * * *

A man walked into a bar with an octopus and bet everyone there that his octopus could play any instrument.  And it could.  It played the trumpet, the guitar, the harp, the flute, the banjo, the piano, the trombone, the drums, the sax, the tuba. . .  Finally another man brought in the bagpipes.  And the octopus walked round and round it poking and making little sighing noises.  The man with the bagpipes declared victory.

The man with the octopus said, "Oh no.  Once he figures out he can't make love to it, he'll play it."
If there is a god, I want to believe that there is a god.  If there is not a god, I want to believe that there is no god.
Reply
RE: joke time
A squid was feeling under the weather and swimming slowly through the ocean when it encountered an octopus.

The octopus looked him over and said, "Buddy, you don't look to good."

The squid groaned and replied, "No, I've been feeling awful all day. I was even throwing up when I woke up."

"Come with me, I might be able to help you," said the octopus and swam away. Having nothing better to do, the squid followed.

Soon, the two arrived at a whale and the octopus said, "Hey, whale. Here's the sick squid I owe you!"

Playing Cluedo with my mum while I was at Uni:

"You did WHAT?  With WHO?  WHERE???"
Reply
RE: joke time
I went to a Scottish Highland Games competition to root for my buddy who was competing (Just realized this sounds like a joke set-up. Haha It's not- just a related story). I'm not kidding, every 75-100 feet, at the corner of every tent and building, there was a person in a kilt playing the bagpipes. You couldn't get away from them. And no two people were playing the same song. You could hear 5 bagpipes at once playing different things, and the funny thing is- it didn't matter. It's probably the only instrument in the world where playing a completely different song than the next guy doesn't make it sound any worse. Honestly, from watching them struggle and reset constantly, I thought they were all practicing.

Anyhow, I sort of ended up appreciating the haunting sound of the bagpipes. Sort of.
I can't remember where this verse is from, I think it got removed from canon:

"I don't hang around with mostly men because I'm gay. It's because men are better than women. Better trained, better equipped...better. Just better! I'm not gay."

For context, this is the previous verse:

"Hi Jesus" -robvalue
Reply
RE: joke time
(September 30, 2015 at 9:47 pm)Exian Wrote: I went to a Scottish Highland Games competition to root for my buddy who was competing (Just realized this sounds like a joke set-up. Haha It's not- just a related story). I'm not kidding, every 75-100 feet, at the corner of every tent and building, there was a person in a kilt playing the bagpipes. You couldn't get away from them. And no two people were playing the same song. You could hear 5 bagpipes at once playing different things, and the funny thing is- it didn't matter. It's probably the only instrument in the world where playing a completely different song than the next guy doesn't make it sound any worse. Honestly, from watching them struggle and reset constantly, I thought they were all practicing.

Anyhow, I sort of ended up appreciating the haunting sound of the bagpipes. Sort of.

I actually like bagpipes, but only outdoors and at a distance.  They do stir the blood.  It's no wonder it was a military instrument.

The jokes came from a high school boyfriend who played them.
If there is a god, I want to believe that there is a god.  If there is not a god, I want to believe that there is no god.
Reply
RE: joke time
Little Johnny comes home from school.

"Hey, son. How was school today"

"It wasn't bad. We learned a few things today, but I got confused with theory and reality. Do you think you could help me out Dad?"

"Sure son. Go upstairs and ask your sister if she would fuck anyone anywhere anytime for ten thousand dollars."

So little Johnny goes upstairs. "Hey sis. Would you fuck anyone anywhere anytime for ten thousand dollars?"

"Hell yeah!"

Little Johnny ran back downstairs to Daddy.

"Well,what did she say?"

"She said, "Hell yeah!"."

"No surprise there. Now go ask your Mom."

Little Johnny runs to the kitchen. "Mom, would you fuck anyone anywhere anytime for ten thousand dollars?"

Mom thinks for a moment. "Yeah. I'd do it."

Little Johnny runs back to Dad.

"Wha'd your Mom say?"

"She said she'd do it."

"Hmmm. Not really unexpected, I guess."

"So Dad, what does this have to do with theory and reality?"

"Well you see son, in theory we are twenty thousand dollars richer, but in reality, we live with a couple of two-bit whores."
You make people miserable and there's nothing they can do about it, just like god.
-- Homer Simpson

God has no place within these walls, just as facts have no place within organized religion.
-- Superintendent Chalmers

Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins a movie by telling you how it ends. There are some things we don't want to know. Important things.
-- Ned Flanders

Once something's been approved by the government, it's no longer immoral.
-- The Rev Lovejoy
Reply
RE: joke time
(You may need to be narive to the UK for this one. And if you're not and you don't get it, lucky you.)

I just watched a celebrity tennis match between the Chuckle Brothers.

It got very annoying, very quickly.
At the age of five, Skagra decided emphatically that God did not exist.  This revelation tends to make most people in the universe who have it react in one of two ways - with relief or with despair.  Only Skagra responded to it by thinking, 'Wait a second.  That means there's a situation vacant.'
Reply
RE: joke time
Jared Leto recently invented a perpetual motion machine.
















































Its basically Heath Ledger spinning in his grave.
"That is not dead which can eternal lie and with strange aeons even death may die." 
- Abdul Alhazred.
Reply



Possibly Related Threads...
Thread Author Replies Views Last Post
  No joke -- I have decided to convert to Christianity! Jehanne 10 2748 April 23, 2021 at 9:54 pm
Last Post: arewethereyet
  A sacred joke. Mystic 15 3310 January 20, 2018 at 10:00 pm
Last Post: Cyberman
  Big Bang Theory Neil Tyson joke Brian37 1 1607 May 18, 2016 at 8:07 pm
Last Post: vorlon13
  There Has To Be A Joke Here, Somewhere! Minimalist 3 2539 October 1, 2014 at 10:57 pm
Last Post: Zidneya
  Joke Minimalist 59 18800 June 27, 2014 at 12:25 am
Last Post: Ravenshire
  A little joke Sup 11 4743 April 10, 2014 at 7:33 pm
Last Post: BrianSoddingBoru4
  Evolution (is a) joke JesusLover1 12 9434 March 2, 2014 at 6:24 pm
Last Post: Minimalist
  Preacher joke 02 Drich 2 1993 February 12, 2014 at 7:15 am
Last Post: NoraBrimstone
  Preacher joke 01 Drich 8 4844 January 20, 2014 at 12:31 am
Last Post: Drich
  Make Up An Atheist Joke freedomfromforum 5 3050 October 6, 2013 at 12:30 am
Last Post: Angrboda



Users browsing this thread: 196 Guest(s)