joke time

[Rhondazvous]

Only the record for the most consecutive swearwords without repetition.

That must have sounded lovely with a British assent. Glad you didn't break the guitar strings. They're priceless, you know.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Q: How can you tell when bagpipes are out of tune?

A: Someone is playing them.

Boru

[Rhondazvous]

Last night, I had a terrible dream. I dreamed that I was being chased by a coffin. It was chasing me all over the house. Laughing a horrible coffin laugh, “Hah hah hah hah.” And a little voice telling me, “Go in the bathroom.” But I said, “no, I can’t go in the bathroom. I’ll be trapped.” So I kept running and the coffin kept chasing me. I tried to get out the front door, but it blocked my way. Laughing that horrible coffin laugh, “Hah hahah ha hah.” It was gaining on me. Almost had me when the little voice whispered again. “Go in the bathroom. Go in the bathroom, fool.” So in desperation, I ducked into the bathroom. The coffin laughed. “You’re mine now, baby.” I was so scared. There was nowhere to go. No way out. The coffin was coming closer and closer. I reached into the medicine cabinet, pulled out the cough syrup and the cough syrup stopped the coffin.

[Jenny A]

A Scottish gentlemen knows how to play the bagpipes, but politely refrains.

* * * * *

A man walked into a bar with an octopus and bet everyone there that his octopus could play any instrument.  And it could.  It played the trumpet, the guitar, the harp, the flute, the banjo, the piano, the trombone, the drums, the sax, the tuba. . .  Finally another man brought in the bagpipes.  And the octopus walked round and round it poking and making little sighing noises.  The man with the bagpipes declared victory.

The man with the octopus said, "Oh no.  Once he figures out he can't make love to it, he'll play it."

[The Valkyrie]

A squid was feeling under the weather and swimming slowly through the ocean when it encountered an octopus.

The octopus looked him over and said, "Buddy, you don't look to good."

The squid groaned and replied, "No, I've been feeling awful all day. I was even throwing up when I woke up."

"Come with me, I might be able to help you," said the octopus and swam away. Having nothing better to do, the squid followed.

Soon, the two arrived at a whale and the octopus said, "Hey, whale. Here's the sick squid I owe you!"

[Exian]

I went to a Scottish Highland Games competition to root for my buddy who was competing (Just realized this sounds like a joke set-up. Haha It's not- just a related story). I'm not kidding, every 75-100 feet, at the corner of every tent and building, there was a person in a kilt playing the bagpipes. You couldn't get away from them. And no two people were playing the same song. You could hear 5 bagpipes at once playing different things, and the funny thing is- it didn't matter. It's probably the only instrument in the world where playing a completely different song than the next guy doesn't make it sound any worse. Honestly, from watching them struggle and reset constantly, I thought they were all practicing.

Anyhow, I sort of ended up appreciating the haunting sound of the bagpipes. Sort of.

[Jenny A]

I went to a Scottish Highland Games competition to root for my buddy who was competing (Just realized this sounds like a joke set-up. Haha It's not- just a related story). I'm not kidding, every 75-100 feet, at the corner of every tent and building, there was a person in a kilt playing the bagpipes. You couldn't get away from them. And no two people were playing the same song. You could hear 5 bagpipes at once playing different things, and the funny thing is- it didn't matter. It's probably the only instrument in the world where playing a completely different song than the next guy doesn't make it sound any worse. Honestly, from watching them struggle and reset constantly, I thought they were all practicing.

Anyhow, I sort of ended up appreciating the haunting sound of the bagpipes. Sort of.

I actually like bagpipes, but only outdoors and at a distance.  They do stir the blood.  It's no wonder it was a military instrument.

The jokes came from a high school boyfriend who played them.

[IATIA]

Little Johnny comes home from school.

"Hey, son. How was school today"

"It wasn't bad. We learned a few things today, but I got confused with theory and reality. Do you think you could help me out Dad?"

"Sure son. Go upstairs and ask your sister if she would fuck anyone anywhere anytime for ten thousand dollars."

So little Johnny goes upstairs. "Hey sis. Would you fuck anyone anywhere anytime for ten thousand dollars?"

"Hell yeah!"

Little Johnny ran back downstairs to Daddy.

"Well,what did she say?"

"She said, "Hell yeah!"."

"No surprise there. Now go ask your Mom."

Little Johnny runs to the kitchen. "Mom, would you fuck anyone anywhere anytime for ten thousand dollars?"

Mom thinks for a moment. "Yeah. I'd do it."

Little Johnny runs back to Dad.

"Wha'd your Mom say?"

"She said she'd do it."

"Hmmm. Not really unexpected, I guess."

"So Dad, what does this have to do with theory and reality?"

"Well you see son, in theory we are twenty thousand dollars richer, but in reality, we live with a couple of two-bit whores."

[Cyberman]

(You may need to be narive to the UK for this one. And if you're not and you don't get it, lucky you.)

I just watched a celebrity tennis match between the Chuckle Brothers.

It got very annoying, very quickly.

[Reforged]

Jared Leto recently invented a perpetual motion machine.
















































Its basically Heath Ledger spinning in his grave.