joke time

[TheRocketSurgeon]

There was a doctor who every day at exactly 3 o’clock walked the 5 minutes from his office to the pub and ordered a hazelnut daiquiri. This he did faithfully every day four 4 years. The bartender could count on him to arrive at precisely 5 after 3 and order a hazelnut daiquiri. But one day to his horror the bartender discovered that he didn’t have any hazelnut. So he hickory, hoping against hope that the doctor would not know the difference. But as soon as the doctor took a sip he spewed it out in disgust.
Doctor: This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri?
Bartender: No, that’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc.

Thanks B

Reminds me of an old favorite of mine:

A frog goes into a bank, and hops up on the desk of the loan officer. ''Hi,'' he croaks, ''what's your name?''

The loan officer says, ''My name is Patricia Wack. May I help you?''

''I'd like to borrow some money."

The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. ''Okay,what's your name?''

The frog replies, ''Kermit Jagger.''

''Really?'' says the loan officer. ''Any relation to Mick Jagger?''

''Yeah, I'm his son.''

''Hmmm,'' says the loan officer. ''Do you have any collateral?''

The frog hands over a pink ceramic elephant and asks, ''Will this do?''

The loan officer says, ''Um, I'm not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager.''

''Oh, tell him I said hi,'' adds the frog. ''He knows me.''

The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, ''Excuse me, sir, but there's a frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing; I'm not even sure what it is.''

The manager says: ''It's a knick-knack, Patty Wack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone!''

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

What a terrible, horrible pun and I'm pissed that I didn't post it first.

Boru

[Exian]

If you do some digging in the is thread you'll find the one about the super callous fragile mystic, hexed with halitosis.

[Minimalist]

 Young Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. 

So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. 

The question?...What do women really want? 
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. 

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. 

Many people advised him to consult the old ugly woman, for only she would have the answer. 

But the price would be high; as the woman was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.       

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the old woman. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. 

The old ugly woman wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! 

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. 

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. 

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. 

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the woman answered Arthur's question thus: 

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life. 

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the woman had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. 

And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the ugly woman had a wonderful wedding. 

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. 

The young beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared ugly, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. 

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day -- or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old ugly woman? Or, would he prefer having a hideous woman during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments? 

What would YOU do? 

What Lancelot chose is below. 

BUT -- make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. 

OKAY? 


Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. 

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. 

Now....what is the moral to this story? 


The moral is --
 


If you don't let a woman have her own way...
Things are going to get ugly..

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Not a lot of people are aware of it, but Captain Picard's mobile phone came with a terrific Data plan.

Boru

[Rhondazvous]

It was so cold in Battle Creek, MI, they had to put salt on my shadow.

[Rhondazvous]

So Jesus is sitting in his heavenly office when St. Peter pays him a visit.
Peter: Jeez, you look so pale. You need to get out of this office and circulate. I bet people here can’t even recognize you on sight. They probably think you look like that Picasso painting with the olive skin, aquiline nose and 3 musketeers haircut. Get out, man.
Jesus: You’re probably right.
So Jesus gets out and starts walking up and down the proverbial golden streets. Presently he hears the sound of a hammer. And wonders what anybody could be doing with a hammer in heaven. He heads toward the sound. And sees an old man pounding away on a plank of wood.
Jesus: What are you doing, old man?
Man: Well, you see, I was a carpenter on earth. I had a son. He was a special boy. Not really my son, but given into my care by god himself. He’d had a miraculous birth. I don’t know what became of him but I thought that if I kept up the hammering, then when he came here, he would hear it and come looking for me
With tears in his eyes, Jesus grasped the man’s shoulders.
Jesus Dad!
Man: Pinocchio!

[Rhondazvous]

Aw, Rock. Now you got me started.

So what's the difference between Mick Jagger and Mile Tyson?

Mick leaves a ringing in your ear

Mike leaves an ear in the ring.

[Minimalist]

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy. 

One afternoon while shopping the wife decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise." 

[ignoramus]

^^^^^
hehe.... send me a Christian!