joke time

[Thal]

Donald Trump

[pgrimes15]

Why did the pervert cross the road?

To get to ER - he had a frozen chicken stuck on his dick.

[Fireball]

Donald Trump

Did this change to the "offensive jokes" thread, or something?

[Thal]

Donald Trump

Did this change to the "offensive jokes" thread, or something?

I meant no offence.  Just wanted to tell a joke, and to me, Trump is the biggest joke in the world.

[ignoramus]

(Got this in an email today ... resident historians may correct the accuracy if need be .....  fascinating stuff)

Railroad Tracks

The U.S. Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches.
That's an exceedingly odd number.
Why was that gauge used?



Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates designed the U.S. Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.




Why did the wagons have that particular Odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
 
So, who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.



Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

Therefore, the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.

In other words, bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification, procedure, or process, and wonder, 'What horse's ass came up with this?', you may be exactly right.

Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses.


 
Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, you will notice that there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank.



These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah.
 
The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit larger, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.
The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.



The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature
of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.

And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important!

Now you know, Horses' Asses control almost everything.
Explains a whole lot of stuff, doesn't it?

[Fireball]

Did this change to the "offensive jokes" thread, or something?

I meant no offence.  Just wanted to tell a joke, and to me, Trump is the biggest joke in the world.

Ya got that right!

[Joods]

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

---

unique up on it.

---

How do you let it go?

---

the tame way

---

[Little lunch]

My daughter has a joke that she tells way to often lately.
Knock knock, who's there, interrupting fart.
So you say interrupting fart who, and she farts half way through you saying it.
I shouldn't encourage her but it always makes me laugh.

[ignoramus]

LL. Monkey see, monkey do? Hehe

[Rhondazvous]

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,
the whole fucking family was as drunk as a louse.

Grandma and Grandpa were smoking a bong,
and the kid was in bed, flogging his dong.

Ma home from the cathouse, and I out of jail,
had just settled down for a good piece of tail.

When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter,
I sprang off of Ma to see what was the matter.

Away to the window, I made a mad dash,
flew open the shutters and fell on my ass.

When what to my bloodshot eyes should appear,
but a shitty old sleigh and a bunch of horny reindeer.

With a little old driver holding his dick,
I knew right away it was that bastard, St. Nick.

"On Dasher, on Prancer, up over those walls",
"Quickly now, damnit, or I'll cut off your balls."

So up to the house-top these assholes they flew,
with the rusty sled full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

The reindeer waited impatiently, stamping each hoof,
Then they started pissing and shitting all over my roof.

Then down the chimney Santa came like a bat out of hell,
and I knew right away that the fat fucker fell.

He filled all the stockings with weed, porn, and beer,
and a big rubber dick for my brother who's queer.

And then up again quickly, he went with a loud fart,
that son of a bitch blew my chimney apart.

And I heard him exclaim, as he flew out of sight,
"piss on you all it's been one hell of a night!"