joke time

[Cyberman]

Would dragons be impressed that we can make water in our mouths?

[Brian37]

Would dragons be impressed that we can make water in our mouths?

That does it for me. I am giving up booze and ABBA. It was that terrible. 

[Fireball]

An 85-year-old man had to do a sperm count for his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this home and bring back a sample tomorrow.”
The next day, the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained…
“Well, doc, it’s like this — first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.
“She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”
The doctor was shocked. “You asked your neighbor? Good heavens!”
The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”

[Cyberman]

Reminds me of the time I had to provide a sperm deposit for my and Sam's IVF. The specialist told us about having to reject another couple's specimen because "it contained too much saliva".

[Brian37]

Reminds me of the time I had to provide a sperm deposit for my and Sam's IVF. The specialist told us about having to reject another couple's specimen because "it contained too much saliva".

[Cyberman]

Welcome to clickbait club.

The first rule will astonish you.

[Rhondazvous]

An 85-year-old man had to do a sperm count for his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this home and bring back a sample tomorrow.”
The next day, the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained…
“Well, doc, it’s like this — first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.
“She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”
The doctor was shocked. “You asked your neighbor? Good heavens!”
The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”

Rule of thumb before reading Fireball's jokes: empty bladder.

[The Valkyrie]

One fine day in Heaven, god is talking to St. Peter.

"I really need a holiday. But I don't know where to go!"

"You could go to Mars, I suppose," St. Peter suggests.

"No. Too damned cold and lifeless!" says god.

"How about Venus?"

"Too hot!"

St. Peter thinks for a few minutes and then says, "You could always go to Earth."

"Oh, no!" says god, "I went there once a couple of thousand years ago. You know what? Bang ONE Jewish chick and the bastards are still talking about it!"

[Brian37]

There are two new porn sites out. 

First one is called "Fuckers" the slogan is "Fuckers, with a name like Fuckers it has to be good". Free year supply of pocket lint for anyone who can name the real product I am spoofing.

Netflix has also gotten into the porn action, their new porn website is called "NutFlix".

[Rhondazvous]

An openly gay guy was a flight attendant on an international flight. Near the end of the flight, he got on the speaker and told the passengers to put up their trays so the pilot could land the plan. Everybody put their trays up except this one lady. Thinking maybe she was hearing impaired, the attended walked up to her and repeated the announcement to put up her tray so the pilot can land the plane. She looked at him and rolled her eyes, obviously able to hear him and deliberately choosing to ignore him.
Lady: In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one.
Attendant: Oh yeah? Well, in my county, I am called a queen. So I outrank you. Now put up your tray.