joke time

[ignoramus]

^^^^

love it!

[ignoramus]

[Rhondazvous]

A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher and a Word of Faith minister died and woke up in hell.
Catholic Priest: Somewhere I have failed in the balances/
Baptist Preacher: Damn I blew it!
Word of Faith Minister: I’m not here. I’m not here.
God: You're all saved, but it's a spiritual salvation. Don't try to understand with your natural mind, for the natural man knoweth not the things of the spirit.

[The Industrial Atheist]

So a young guy walks into a bar, carrying an unconscious alligator with a mallet on his belt.

He says "Who'll pay me $50 to watch me leave my **** in this alligators mouth for 6 minutes?"

So he starts, but after 4 minutes, the alligator starts to wake up. "Shit!" he says. Without removing his member, he furiously beats the alligator over the head with the mallet until it's unconscious again.

He receives his $50.

"So," he says "would anyone else like to try this, for $50?" A hot woman speaks up "I'll try it. Just don't hit me on the head!"

[Brian37]

I love variety, I think that is the spice of life. But, I was disappointed when I was dating my former Japanese wife, to find out downstairs didn't go in the same direction as her eyes. I was equally mad when we landed in Tokyo and there was no giant lizard destroying the city. 

FALSE ADVERTISEMENT!

[Brian37]

MORE FUCKING FALSE ADVERTISEMENT

"Swing states"

I've visited these states and NOT ONCE did I find an orgy!

Is there no truth in advertisement anymore?

[Brian37]

AND YET more fucking false advertisement!

I went to "Wrigley Field" back in the early 80s. Damned field was made out grass, not gum!

UN FUCKING BELIEVABLE!  Do you know what that kind of false hope does to a kid?

[Gawdzilla Sama]

We had a major thunderstorm here last night. I was winding my way home about 9 pm when I noticed a '67 Mustang on the side of the road with it's flashers on. I knew it belong to a neighbor, an RN who assists with home deliveries. When I pulled behind her she ran back and said "Stupid car is stuck in 1st, I can't get it to do 15 miles an hour and Mrs. Johanssen is in labor!"

"Okay, take my car, I'll drive the 'Stang back to my house and get a wrecker to take to Ronsick's in the morning."

She was quickly on her way and as I was put-putting home the realization hit me: Here I was, 66.6 years old and I'm finally driving a midwife crisis car.

[Rhondazvous]

A Catholic priest and a Jewish rabbi are at a dinner party.
Priest: Come on, rabbi. When are you going to lighten up and have some ham?
Rabbi: At your wedding.

[Brian37]

A Catholic priest and a Jewish rabbi are at a dinner party.
Priest: Come on, rabbi. When are you going to lighten up and have some ham?
Rabbi: At your wedding.

Priest, "Hey asshole, I didn't start the party, Don't you have a dime to stop on and pick up somewhere?'

Rabbi, "Fuck you dude, don't you have an alter boy to fondle?"

Muslim, " Fuck both of you, I got fireworks and nobody invites me to their weddings"

Hindu, "COME ON GUYS, lets all calm down, don't have a cow..... NO SERIOUSLY don't have a cow."

Buddhist, " I am seriously getting tired of this Zen-O-Phobia" 

Atheist, "Fuck this shit, I have kittens to barbecue."