joke time

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

A bread-maker's bakery burned down.  Poor fella - now his business is toast.

Boru

[Darinda]

At a formal dinner banquet, Eleanor Roosevelt found herself seated next to an oriental ambassador. 
As befits the first lady, she engages him in polite conversation. 
Happy to know that his country is a democracy, she asks him " so when did you last have an election ". 
The ambassador turns red with embarrassment and says " before blakefast ma'am ".

Two girl friends meet each other on the street.

How is your married life? – one asks.

My husband, for the last couple of weeks, is helping me a lot around the house; 
Watching kids, cooking, doing the shopping, cleaning, doing laundry voluntarily ..

How did you convince him to do that?

I didn't. He read an article in one magazine that if a woman is less tired at the end of the day, then she is much more active in bed

And,did it help him?

I don`t know yet. He falls asleep as soon as he hits bed

[ignoramus]

I saw a homeless person down the road muttering to himself ... I was saying to myself: that poor guys, why is he talking to himself? Is he even aware that he's doing it? Meanwhile a guys close to me saw me talking under my breath and said to himself, Why is that guy talking to himself? Is he even aware that he's doing it? Meanwhile ....

[Rhondazvous]

Patient goes in for surgery, real nervous.  He says to his surgeon "Doc, I'm really nervous about this.  It's my first surgery."

Doc smiles at the patient, reassuring him.  "Don't worry, it's my first surgery too."

Patient: "Have you performed many surgeries?"

Surgeon: "Oh yes.  Hundreds!"

Patient:  "That's a relief.  I was worried I'd get a novice!"

Surgeon: "I'm no novice.  I'm just not very good."


True story.

The word you don't want to hear when you're on the operating table.

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Oops

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'I before E, Except After C'

Unless, of course, you happen to be an atheist seismologist with a weird, foreign  neighbour called Keith who received eight beige sleighs (with reindeer) in Leicester from feisty scientific caffeinated weightlifters. 

Boru

You need a freight train to carry all the exceptions to the rules in English.

[Rhondazvous]

A bread-maker's bakery burned down.  Poor fella - now his business is toast.

Boru

A woman watching firemen trying to put out a fire at the bakery sighs and says "There's nothing quite like the smell of fresh baked bread."

[Brian37]

I want to start a procrastinator's club, I haven't gotten around to it yet.

[Rhondazvous]

I want to start a procrastinator's club, I haven't gotten around to it yet.

If you ever do, I'll one day think about the possibility of considering maybe contemplating joining. In fact, first thing tomorrow I'll put it on my list of things to do, give it a rain check if nothing else comes up. Then again, I might not.

[Brian37]

A bread-maker's bakery burned down.  Poor fella - now his business is toast.

Boru

I changed my mind, I want to buy a gun and kill myself. 

THAT WAS CORNY AS HELL.

[ignoramus]

where are ya gonna get the dough to buy a gun?

[Fireball]

He'll knead a good job.