joke time

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

How many surrealist sculptors does it take to change a lightbulb?

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Two. One to hold the giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with brightly coloured machine tools.

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Boru

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Mrs. Jones notices that her 15 year old daughter has been looking and acting a little ‘off’, so she takes her to the doctor.

After their particulars are taken, the doctor asks what the trouble is. ‘It’s my Susan,’ says Mrs. Jones. ‘She been eating odd foods, gaining weight, and vomiting almost every morning.

The doctor instantly knows what the ‘trouble’ is, but goes through the formality of examining Susan. He then tells Mrs. Jones, ‘Nothing too serious - your daughter is pregnant, not ill.’

‘B-but that’s impossible!’ stammers Mrs. Jones. ‘My little girl is a virgin. Isn’t that right, Susan?’

‘Yes, Mum.’

‘Why, she’s never been alone with a boy, never even kissed a boy, and she’s CERTAINLY never had sex with a boy! Isn’t that right, Susan?’

‘Yes, Mum.’

At the point, the doctor stares at mother and daughter for a few seconds, the doctor gets up, walks across the office and stares out of the window.

After he’s been there for a few minutes, Mrs. Jones asks him what’s wrong.

‘Nothing at all, madam,’ says the doctor. ‘It’s just that the last time this happened, a new star appeared in the sky and three wise men showed up. I’ll be damned if I’ll miss it this time!!’

Boru

[The Valkyrie]

I got "yakuza" and "jacuzzi" mixed up.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

[The Valkyrie]

Guys, the best sexual position is the JFK.

That's when you splash all over her as she screams and tries to get out of the car.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

I got "yakuza" and "jacuzzi" mixed up.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

That was terrible.

Boru

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Guys, the best sexual position is the JFK.

That's when you splash all over her as she screams and tries to get out of the car.

That made me tingly in my boy parts.

Boru

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

After a long career, Seamus retires to a village in west Cork, where - with his unfailing kindness and gentle good humour - he quickly becomes established in the good graces of the community. After tending his bit of garden and chatting with the neighbours, he spends most of his afternoons at the local.  He reads the newspaper, plays draughts or dominoes with the other patrons and has three pints of Guinness.

Oddly, though, he orders the three pints all at once and has them brought to his table at the same time.  After a fortnight or so, the barman tells him, 'Seamus, I'd be more than happy to draw your pints one at a time, so you can have each one fresh.'

'Oh, no,' says the old fella, 'I could never do that.  You see, I have two sons.  One of them works the oil fields in the Middle East and the other's a merchantman on the high seas.  Things being how they are, we're hardly all together at once, so we made a pact.  Whenever one of us is on for drinking, he has a drink for himself and one for each of the others.  That way, wherever we are, it's as if we're all drinking together. So, the three pints all in one go.'

The barman thinks that's the sweetest, loveliest thing he's ever heard in his life. The story goes round the village like a shot.

Some time passes, and one afternoon, Seamus enters the pub looking a little down.  'Just two pints today, Mickey.'  Seamus sits by himself, not socializing, drinks his pints in silence, gets his hat and goes.  Word soon gets round and Seamus' cottage is deluged with flowers and condolence cards.

On his next visit to the pub, Seamus pulls the barman aside and asks, 'What the hell is going on with all the flowers and cards and the widow O'Doull bringing me a hot dish every day, Mickey?'

'Well, it's about your boy, Seamus. We noticed that you ordered just two pints instead of three. Was it the one on the seas or the one in the oil fields that you lost?'

'Lost?  I haven't lost either one.  The two pints are for the two lads.  My doctor told ME to give up drinking.'

Boru

[Gawdzilla Sama]

Had to return the white noise generator I bought, it only played Vanilla Ice.

[Darinda]

After a long career, Seamus retires to a village in west Cork, where - with his unfailing kindness and gentle good humour - he quickly becomes established in the good graces of the community. After tending his bit of garden and chatting with the neighbours, he spends most of his afternoons at the local.  He reads the newspaper, plays draughts or dominoes with the other patrons and has three pints of Guinness.

Oddly, though, he orders the three pints all at once and has them brought to his table at the same time.  After a fortnight or so, the barman tells him, 'Seamus, I'd be more than happy to draw your pints one at a time, so you can have each one fresh.'

'Oh, no,' says the old fella, 'I could never do that.  You see, I have two sons.  One of them works the oil fields in the Middle East and the other's a merchantman on the high seas.  Things being how they are, we're hardly all together at once, so we made a pact.  Whenever one of us is on for drinking, he has a drink for himself and one for each of the others.  That way, wherever we are, it's as if we're all drinking together. So, the three pints all in one go.'

The barman thinks that's the sweetest, loveliest thing he's ever heard in his life. The story goes round the village like a shot.

Some time passes, and one afternoon, Seamus enters the pub looking a little down.  'Just two pints today, Mickey.'  Seamus sits by himself, not socializing, drinks his pints in silence, gets his hat and goes.  Word soon gets round and Seamus' cottage is deluged with flowers and condolence cards.

On his next visit to the pub, Seamus pulls the barman aside and asks, 'What the hell is going on with all the flowers and cards and the widow O'Doull bringing me a hot dish every day, Mickey?'

'Well, it's about your boy, Seamus. We noticed that you ordered just two pints instead of three. Was it the one on the seas or the one in the oil fields that you lost?'

'Lost?  I haven't lost either one.  The two pints are for the two lads.  My doctor told ME to give up drinking.'

[downbeatplumb]

After a long career, Seamus retires to a village in west Cork, where - with his unfailing kindness and gentle good humour - he quickly becomes established in the good graces of the community. After tending his bit of garden and chatting with the neighbours, he spends most of his afternoons at the local.  He reads the newspaper, plays draughts or dominoes with the other patrons and has three pints of Guinness.

Oddly, though, he orders the three pints all at once and has them brought to his table at the same time.  After a fortnight or so, the barman tells him, 'Seamus, I'd be more than happy to draw your pints one at a time, so you can have each one fresh.'

'Oh, no,' says the old fella, 'I could never do that.  You see, I have two sons.  One of them works the oil fields in the Middle East and the other's a merchantman on the high seas.  Things being how they are, we're hardly all together at once, so we made a pact.  Whenever one of us is on for drinking, he has a drink for himself and one for each of the others.  That way, wherever we are, it's as if we're all drinking together. So, the three pints all in one go.'

The barman thinks that's the sweetest, loveliest thing he's ever heard in his life. The story goes round the village like a shot.

Some time passes, and one afternoon, Seamus enters the pub looking a little down.  'Just two pints today, Mickey.'  Seamus sits by himself, not socializing, drinks his pints in silence, gets his hat and goes.  Word soon gets round and Seamus' cottage is deluged with flowers and condolence cards.

On his next visit to the pub, Seamus pulls the barman aside and asks, 'What the hell is going on with all the flowers and cards and the widow O'Doull bringing me a hot dish every day, Mickey?'

'Well, it's about your boy, Seamus. We noticed that you ordered just two pints instead of three. Was it the one on the seas or the one in the oil fields that you lost?'

'Lost?  I haven't lost either one.  The two pints are for the two lads.  My doctor told ME to give up drinking.'

This looks familiar from somewehere!