joke time

[Jackie]

BREAKING NEWS.

Law enforcement has arrested "Snap" of "Rice Crispy's" fame for murdering Crackle and Pop, then his wife and neighbors. They were shocked he became a cereal killer.

[Darinda]

A farmer walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache." The wife, lying in bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow." The farmer replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

[Darinda]

*A farmer separated the bulls and cows to prepare them for the mating season a few days later. He built a wall with barbed wires on top.*
*A young bull could not resist his temptations and wanted to mate a cow.*
*Other bulls told him there was one veteran consultant bull amongst them that could help.*
*The bull went to him and asked how to cross the wall to the cows.*
*The consultant explained: "First of all.. stand 60 feet away from the wall. Then run at 60mph. Then jump at a 60° angle. Do what you want then come back the same way."*
*The bull asked: "But what if I mess up with the calculations and lose my balls in the barbed wires?"*
*The consultant said:" Then you become a consultant."*😅😁🤣

[The Valkyrie]

You don't get pork scratchings from a police officer and a cheese grater.


In other news, holding cells are unhygienic.

[The Valkyrie]

A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit went to a blood bank.

"What blood type are you?" asked the nurse.

"I think I may be a type O," replied the rabbit.

[The Valkyrie]

Maths test.

If Lisa has 750 Facebook friends, then adds another 250 0ver the next day, what does she have?

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Big Tits

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[Darinda]

Bloke goes into a confessional. The priest says "Tell me your sin, my son."

Guy says "Father, yesterday I went to a casino in the West End and gambled all the money I had in the world."

"And now you're regretting your foolishness?"

"Oh no, father," said the man, "I won big. I won more money than I've ever dreamed of! And then I found myself in a top night club with a dozen hot porno actresses."

"So, you are feeling guilty for frittering your ill-gotten gains on loose women of easy virtue?"

"No, father," he said. "I had the time of my life. And then they took me to a hotel where they all fucked me in turn and all at once. I had bits of me in every orifice imaginable, and they gave me such incredible blowjobs, I'll be feeling them for weeks!"

"Well," said the priest, "it all sounds most sinful. You'd better say twelve Hail Marys and two Our Fathers."

"Oh, but I'm not Catholic, " said the man.

"Then why are you telling me?"

"Are you kidding, father? I'm telling everyone!"

[A. Secular Human]

Maths test.

If Lisa has 750 Facebook friends, then adds another 250 0ver the next day, what does she have?

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Big Tits

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i would have guessed: Chlamydia.

[The Valkyrie]

Iggy was considering retiring from his hobby as a flasher.

But he's decided to stick it out for a while longer.

[Darinda]

My wife and I went to the County Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.
We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said:
THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said: “He mated 50 times last year, that’s almost once a week”.
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said:
THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said: “WOW …That’s more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him”.
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said:
THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said: “That’s once a day.. You could REALLY learn something from this one”.
I looked at her and said: “Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow”.