joke time

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

The next time you're feeling down, try to remember that personal satisfaction is a matter of perspective. I have a friend who has sex 2-3 times a day, works out twice a day, and reads two books a week, yet still complains about how much he hates prison.

Boru

[vulcanlogician]

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Not all construction jobs are equally satisfying. For instance, enlarging a drilled hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal together can be riveting.

Boru

[The Valkyrie]

Today I went for a peaceful walk through a cemetary.

Three girls approached me and asked if they could walk with me because they were freaked out.

I said of course they could. It's okay, I used to get freaked out too, when I was alive.

Girls?

Girls?

Where did they go?

[Brian37]

I was once kidnapped by a troupe of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.

Boru

That absolutely takes the cake, the Super Bowl, The Sanely Cup and the MLB Pennant! As far as jokes, you take the MVP, the DMV, EMT, ECT, KGB, NBC, ABC, CBS, CNN. 

This was a mic drop.

[Darinda]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”

“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. “What did the doctor say?”

“He said you’re going to die,” she replied.

[The Valkyrie]

I remember the time I got in trouble for telling my little brother he was adopted...

...and that he better pack because his new parents were on their way to pick him up.

[Darinda]

A new mother went to the psychiatrist worried.

“Doctor,” she said, “Since I had the baby I can’t sleep at night. When I’m in the next room, I have this dreadful fear that I won’t hear the baby if he falls out of the crib at night. What should I do?”

“Easy,” said the doctor. “Just take the carpet off the floor.”

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

A man goes to restaurant noted for its beautiful waitresses and looks over the menu. Shortly, a particularly voluptuous waitress walks over and asks the man if he’s ready to order.

Looking her up and down, the man says, ‘Well, since you asked, what I’d really like us a quickie.’

Snorting with disgust, the waitress walks off. She regains her composure after a few minutes, comes back to the table, ask again asks the man for his order. Staring into her big, blue eyes, he says, ‘I already told you - I want a quickie.’ Losing her temper, the waitress slaps him across the face and storms off.

A man at the next table leans over and whispers, ‘Mate - it’s pronounced “quiche” ‘.

Boru

[Darinda]

At a church meeting, a very wealthy man rose to tell the rest of those present about his Christian faith.
“I’m a millionaire,” he said, “and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I remember that turning point in my faith. I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and I had to either give it all to God’s work or give nothing at all. So at that moment, I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today.”
When he finished and moved toward his seat, there was an awed silence As he sat down, a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said to him, “I dare you to do it again.”