joke time

[The Valkyrie]

"How did you meet your husband?"

"I'm a pharmacist. Every weekend he would come in and ask for XXXXL condoms."

"Only after we married did I realise he has a bad stutter!"

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Not a lot of people realize it, but Las Vegas actually has more Catholic churches than it does casinos. Not surprisingly, some of the faithful will place casino chips instead of cash in the collection plate. This used to be quite the headache for the local churches until they devised a plan: Every Monday, each church delegates a member of staff to take the chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting. The friars - for a percentage - take the chips round to the various casinos, cash them in, and return the proceeds to the appropriate churches.

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This work is done by the chip monks.

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Boru

[The Valkyrie]

"Mummy, why were you bouncing up and down on daddy's stomach last night?"

"I have to do that or daddy gets really fat! Bouncing keeps him skinny."

"It's not going to work."

"Why not?"

"Because Tina the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again."

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

A church employed a very attractive, VERY well-endowed organist called Susan. In fact, nature had been so good to her that her breasts jiggled and bounced while she played, which appalled all the prim and proper church ladies.

One Sunday, after a service that included a particularly active rendition of hymn 223, the ladies pulled Susan aside and gave her a bottle of astringent cream. They told her that applying it to her breasts and nipples would cause them to tighten up and reduce the jiggling. Susan agreed.

The very next Sunday, the minister took to the pulpit and announced, ‘Dew tew thurcumstanthes beyond my contwow, we will not haf a thermon today.’

Boru

[Darinda]

This pastor decided to skip church one Sunday morning and go play golf.

He told his assistant that he wasn’t feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.

He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.

An angel looked at God and said “What’d you do that for?” God smiled and said “Who’s he going to tell?”

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

(at a restaurant)

Wife: See that loud, drunken guy, two tables over?

Husband: Yeah, what about him?

Wife: Ten years ago, he proposed to me and I turned him down.

Husband: Wow - and he's still celebrating!

Boru

[downbeatplumb]

(True Story time)

My mom's a doctor at a hospital.

She said that the next patient who tells her that the vaccine has microchips in it, she's going to tap them, and tell them "There, I just put the government microchip in you without the shot. Now you don't have an excuse."

Well if there if you dont take this they come round your house and insert one anally while you sleep.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

I just found out that Albert Einstein was a real person. All my life, I though he was only a theoretical physicist.

Boru

[Darinda]

A man approached a local in a village he was visiting. “What’s the quickest way to New York?”

The local scratched his head. “Are you walking or driving?” he asked the stranger.

“I’m driving.”

“That’s the quickest way.”

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

A man is on trial for murder. The evidence against him is very strong, with one exception - no corpse was found. Knowing that his client would likely be convicted, the defense attorney  resorted to an old trick.

During his closing argument, the lawyer announced, ‘Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. The presumed victim in this case will enter this courtroom within the next sixty seconds.’ Stunned (and a little confused), the jurors all stared at the courtroom door. When the minute had passed and nothing happened, the lawyer continued, ‘You all watched the door, which means you expected the murdered man to walk in here. This shows that you have reasonable doubt, and the law requires that you return a verdict of not guilty.’

Still a little nonplussed, the jury retired to deliberate and returned in a very few minutes and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

‘How could you do that?, spluttered the lawyer. ‘You all looked at the door!’

‘Yes, we looked at the door,’ answered the jury foreman, ‘but your client didn’t.’

Boru