joke time

[ignoramus]

A man took an airline to court for losing his luggage.
He just lost another case!

[Darinda]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!


One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.
He said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?”
“My darling,” she replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheeks.

[no one]

A man took an airline to court for losing his luggage.
He just lost another case!

I was not allowed to bring my vulture on my flight, I thought I was permitted 1 carrion.

[Darinda]

Little Johnny is in the bath having a wank when his mother walks in.
“What the hell do you think you are doing!” she says.

To which he replies, “Mum, it’s mine and I’ll wash it as fast as I like.”

[ignoramus]

You know why I love jokes about anti-vaxxers?
They never get old!

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Old McDonald had Tourette's /

e-i-e-i-FUCK!

Boru

[Darinda]

One Friday night, a 17-year-old boy went into a bar and sat down at a table in the corner of the pool room. When the waitress walked over to his table, the teenager said: “Gimme a beer.”

The waitress eyed him for a moment and said: “Look, sonny. Do you want to get me in trouble?”

The boy glanced back at her and replied: “Maybe later. Right now all I want is a beer.”

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

I’m not one for the whole ‘thoughts and prayers’ thing, but I would like you all to wish me luck. I have a meeting at the bank tomorrow and if all goes well, I’ll be debt-free.

I’m so nervous, I can hardly put on my ski mask!

Boru

[The Valkyrie]

I’m not one for the whole ‘thoughts and prayers’ thing, but I would like you all to wish me luck. I have a meeting at the bank tomorrow and if all goes well, I’ll be debt-free.

I’m so nervous, I can hardly put on my ski mask!

Boru

Remember to wear a mask so you can't be identified, set off the EMP BEFORE you pour the accelerant, and, most importantly, leave no witnesses.

Good luck!

[Darinda]

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a typically conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in ‘fashion sense.’
The man walks up to him and says, ‘I didn’t know you were into earrings.’
‘Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,’ he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, “So, how long have you been wearing one?”
“Ever since my wife found it in my car.”