joke time

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

My mother was always giving out life advice, such as, 'Don't be so quick to find faults.' She was a wonderful mum, but a rotten seismologist.

Boru

[Darinda]

Young Maiden: “Yes, I’ve been asked many times to get married.”

Friend: “Really, who’s asked you?”

Young Maiden: “My mother and father.”

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

A man is walking along the beach in California when he finds an old brass lamp lying in the sand. Figuring he’s got nothing to lose, picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Sure enough, a genie pops out. The man starts to get excited, but the genie stops him and says, ‘Look pal, I’ve been in the wish-granting game for thousands of years. Frankly, I’m a little sick of it - you get ONE wish, so make it count.’

The man thinks hard for a few minutes and says, ‘Well, I’ve always wanted to visit Hawaii, but I’m pathologically afraid of flying. My wish is for a bridge across the Pacific so I could drive over there.’

The genie almost collapses with laughter. ‘Impossible! Not only are the logistics out of the question, but such a structure would change the ocean currents, killing off countless species and devastating weather patterns for half the world. Pick something else.’

This time, the man has a good, long think. At last, he says, ‘I’ve been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I was emotionally distant and never really “connected” with them. So my wish is to truly understand women, to be able to know what they mean beyond the words that they say, and to understand and empathize with them at the deepest possible level.’

And the genie says, ‘You want that bridge two lanes or four?’

Boru

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

'How much is that cologne for women?'

'You mean perfume?'

'No, I mean per bottle.'

Boru

[ignoramus]

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.

She asked ...
How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

He replied ...
Yes, you'll be fine. Give it a week. That's how long it takes to heal after having your tonsils out."

[Darinda]

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer.

I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load maximization principle and carry all the items you need in one trip, thereby minimizing total distance travelled?”

Well don’t you know, she loved my suggestion!

It used to take her 11 minutes to make her breakfast… now I do it in 5.

[A. Secular Human]

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer.

I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load maximization principle and carry all the items you need in one trip, thereby minimizing total distance travelled?”

Well don’t you know, she loved my suggestion!

It used to take her 11 minutes to make her breakfast… now I do it in 5.

In a previous career, I was an R&D engineering program manager.  I got *really good* at logistics.

One morning, after observing my wife go to the fridge and get milk for her cereal, bring it back to the table, pour some into the bowl, return the milk to the fridge, and go sit back down, I suggested she bring the bowl to the fridge, instead.

Did you know that milk and corn flakes make a dandy hair conditioner?

[Darinda]

Thanks to a very healthy lifestyle, a married couple live well into their 100s
One day they are both killed in a tragic accident, and go to heaven.
On the first morning, they go up to God and ask where the gym is. “Gym?” God replies, “you don’t need to go to the gym here, you’ll always be in perfect shape even if you never exercise.” The wife says how nice that is, but the husband looks a little bit annoyed.
In the afternoon, they go back to God and ask where they can get high factor sunscreen. “This is heaven, you don’t need it anymore, the sun can’t burn you or give you cancer, enjoy the beaches.” The wife is satisfied, but the husband starts looking genuinely angry.

Later in the evening, they go to God and ask where they can find a health food restaurant for dinner. “We don’t have health food restaurants, you can eat as much as you want of whatever you want and never feel bloated or gain any weight.”
Finally the husband snaps, and yells at his wife “You see?! You see?! If it wasn’t for your bloody bran muffins, I could’ve been here forty years ago!”

[Brian37]

Just saw this on twitter. 

[A. Secular Human]

Just saw this on twitter. 

Yup.

And you don't need a parachute to skydive.

You need a parachute to skydive *twice*.