joke time

[onlinebiker]

4

The SO just got me that t shirt
.....


Love it!

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

A man goes to his doctor and says, ‘I think I may be impotent. When I try to make love to my wife, I don’t get aroused.’

The doctor replies, ‘Well, I don’t like to prescribe Viagra without eliminating other possible causes. Let’s make an appointment for both of you to come back and we’ll see if we can figure this out.’

The next week, the couple arrive for their appointment. The doctor takes the wife into an exam room where he has her undress, walk around, twirl and jump up and down. He says, ‘That’ll be all, Mrs. Smith. You can get dressed now.’

The doctor goes back to his office and tells the husband, ‘I have good news! There’s nothing wrong with you - your wife doesn’t give me a hard on, either.’

Boru

[Darinda]

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. “Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?”

The mother says, “It’s my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and she is sick most mornings.”

The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant–about four months would be my guess.”

The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never been left alone with a man! Have you, Debbie?”

Debbie says, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!”

The doctor walked over to the window and stared outside. About five minutes passed before the mother said, “Is there something wrong out there, doctor?”

The doctor replied, “No, not at it. It’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’m not going to miss it this time around!”

[vulcanlogician]

My wife was dying…

I was by her bedside.

She said in a tired voice, “There’s something I must confess..”

“Shhh.” I said, “There’s nothing to confess, everything’s alright.”

“No, I must die in peace… I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend, and your father.”

“I know.” I whispered, “That’s why I poisoned your tea.”

[Oldandeasilyconfused]

My wife was dying…

I was by her bedside.

She said in a tired voice, “There’s something I must confess..”

“Shhh.” I said, “There’s nothing to confess, everything’s alright.”

“No, I must die in peace… I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend, and your father.”

“I know.” I whispered, “That’s why I poisoned your tea.”

 This might be too dark:

What's the difference of a truckload of coal and a truckload of babies?

You can't unload coal with  a pitchfork 

[Silver]

Walks into a room full of people and says aloud, "He?"

Half the people in the room stop to look at me as though I am referring to them.

Bloody useless pronouns, I think as I shake my head.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Me: Well, you wanted to meet my family. Here they are.

My Therapist: Oh. My. God.

Boru

[Oldandeasilyconfused]

Walks into a room full of people and says aloud, "He?"

Half the people in the room stop to look at me as though I am referring to them.

Bloody useless pronouns, I think as I shake my head.

Try running into a crowded restaurant and yelling "You bastard/bitch! I'll get you for this!", then run out. I think that comes from George Carlin.

George said that if you are at a family function and would rather not be, (and are old like us) you can just say "I'm tired and want to lie down"  Works for me. 

If it's more urgent , just say  "Who are all these people and where's my horse"

I'm still doing pretty well.   Don't often forget where I've parked the car.  Time to start worrying when I forget I have a car or where I live.

[Darinda]

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.
“Listen to this,” he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. “It says I’m energetic,
bright, resourceful and a great person.”
“Yeah,” his wife nodded, “and it has your weight wrong, too.”

[Fireball]

MAMA'S BIBLE

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers.

One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida .

The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."

The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL 600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mama sent out her "Thank You" notes.

She wrote: Milton , the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious Thank you so much."

Love, Mama