joke time

[vulcanlogician]

[Darinda]

A married couple was watching volleyball game at a beach when the wife spotted a couple in the bleachers. They were being very affectionate. The girl was running her hands all over the boyfriend and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on her chest.

Looking at them, the wife said to her husband “I don’t know whether to watch them or the game.”

Husband said, “Better watch them! You already know how to play volleyball.”

[Darinda]

A gentleman entered a busy florist shop that displayed a large sign that read “Say It With Flowers.”

“Wrap up one rose,” he told the florist.

“Only one?” the florist asked.

“Just one,” the customer replied. “I’m a man of few words.”

[Oldandeasilyconfused]

MAMA'S BIBLE

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers.

One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida .

The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."

The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL 600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mama sent out her "Thank You" notes.

She wrote: Milton , the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious Thank you so much."

Love, Mama

Jokey-jokes aside, it's perfectly possible to mistake a parrot for a chicken. Attend: This is the kakapo, the world's largest parrot. It can weight up to 9 pounds at maturity, is flightless, and is edible. 



Boru

 Pickle me grandmother! Look like a budgie with a thyroid condition.

[Divinity]

I went to a bar to get a drink. Got carded when my blockbuster card fell out of my wallet. The bartender said "Nevermind."

[Oldandeasilyconfused]

A married couple was watching volleyball game at a beach when the wife spotted a couple in the bleachers. They were being very affectionate. The girl was running her hands all over the boyfriend and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on her chest.

Looking at them, the wife said to her husband “I don’t know whether to watch them or the game.”

Husband said, “Better watch them! You already know how to play volleyball.”

 That's a little too close for comfort. 

Blonde jokes (My ex wife was what I now call dirty blonde)

Two blondes walked into a building. You'd think one of them would have seen it.

International flight. Blonde has moved into first class and is refusing to go back to economy. First officer speaks gently to her for a moment. She says, "Yes, I quite understand", and goes quietly back to economy. When asked what he'd said , first officer replied; " Asked her where she's going. She said Chicago. I said that first class isn't going to Chicago."

A blonde and a brunet enter a lift (elevator) and move to the back. Bloke gets in and has a lot of dandruff on his shoulders.

Brunet says "That bloke needs some "Head and Shoulder"

Blonde says 'Right, umm ,how do you give shoulder?"

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Not everyone realizes it, but the game 'Mortal Kombat' is actually based on an old Scandinavian church song. That's right - a Finnish hymn.

Boru

[vulcanlogician]

A nervous father paced back and forth in a hospital waiting room. He was nervous because his wife was giving birth to their third child, and the first two children were born with gross deformities.

The doctor retrieved him from the waiting room, and immediately the father asked, "Is the baby okay?"

"We'll just let you see for yourself," the doctor replied.

After a long walk down the hall they finally reach the hospital room. And there, on the hospital bed lay the man's child. The father was horrified. The child was a huge eyeball.

"Oh my God!" the father exclaimed, "How could it be any worse than this?"

The doctor said, "He's blind."

[Darinda]

Romance in stages …
Single vs. Engaged vs. MARRIED!!

      
Sipping  her drink, the single girl leered and said,
"Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat.  
When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels.  He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and & there!"  
         
The engaged woman
 giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story!  When my fiancee' got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps.  He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"  


The married woman 
 put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning.  I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's.  I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume.  I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for 
dinner?'"

[awty]

Romance in stages …
Single vs. Engaged vs. MARRIED!!

      
Sipping  her drink, the single girl leered and said,
"Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat.  
When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels.  He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and & there!"  
         
The engaged woman
 giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story!  When my fiancee' got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps.  He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"  


The married woman 
 put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning.  I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's.  I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume.  I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and  stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for 
dinner?'"

Bold mine - I assume those to be his last words.