joke time

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

I just read a joke about Oedipus and Midas. It was motherfucking gold.

Boru

[Darinda]

One alien says to another, “The dominant life forms on the planet earth appear to have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons.”

The second alien replies, “Are they an emerging intelligence?”

The first alien says, “I don’t think so, they have them aimed at themselves.”

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Her (reading doctor's report): I can't believe this - first, I'm diagnosed with dyslexia, now I have tiny tits.

Him: 'Tinnitus' babe. You have 'tinnitus'.

Boru

[T.J.]

"I have a top secret mission for you."

"What is it?"

"I can't tell you."

"Why not?"

"It's top secret." 8D

[Fake Messiah]

Talking about top secrets, the reality of them can often be funny. Like, some astronauts in the past who flew on the space shuttle, worked on secret missions in space and got secret medals that they stored in one room in the government building which was the only room they are allowed to wear this medal.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Me: I'm terrified of the vertical axis.

My therapist: Why?

Me: *shrieks in terror*

Boru

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Joe had been suffering from terrible headaches for years and decides to see a doctor about it. 

After a thorough examination and a bewildering battery of tests, the doctor says, ‘Joe, the good news is that I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition that is causing your testicles to press against the base of your spine. This is interfering with the nerve signals which is causing your headaches.’

Naturally enough, poor Joe is devastated by this news, but feels he just can’t live with the pain anymore and agrees to the surgery. During his recovery, he takes stock and decides he might as well live the best life he can.

He’s driving home from the hospital and passes a tailor shop and decides to treat himself. He goes in and tells the elderly tailor, ‘I’d like a new suit.’

The tailor looks at Joe briefly and says, ‘You take a 44 long, I see.’

‘That’s right! How did you know?’

‘I’ve been in the business 60 years. How about a new shirt as well? I can see you’re a 33 sleeve and a 16 1/2 neck.’

‘Amazing! How did you know?’

‘I’ve been in the business 60 years. Would sir be interested in shoes at all? I have some hand-stitched Italian loafers in your size. Which - unless I miss my guess - is 9 1/2 E.’

‘Right again! How can you tell without measuring?’

‘I’ve been in the business 60 years. Some underwear, size 36?’

‘A ha!’, says Joe. ‘I’ve got you - I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.’

The old tailor shakes his head and says, ‘There’s no way you could wear size 34. I’ve been in this business for 60 years, so trust me when I tell you that 34s would cause your testicles to press against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.’

Boru

[Oldandeasilyconfused]

"I have a top secret mission for you."

"What is it?"

"I can't tell you."

"Why not?"

"It's top secret." 8D

Two psychiatrists are walking down a hall.

As they pass each, the younger says to the older "Good morning"

The older thinks to himself " I wonder what he meant by that?"

[ignoramus]

Me: I'm terrified of the vertical axis.

My therapist: Why?

Me: *shrieks in terror*

Boru

that was very graphic!

[onlinebiker]

In NC or CNC terms vertical is Z.

Y is front to back.