joke time

[arewethereyet]

For some reason it made me think of a famous dept. store Santa back in SC. His day job was as the county coroner. He took a few weeks off every year to be Santa...and he was a good one - the hair and beard were real. I always thought that was a great way to try to wipe out the year's icky stuff.

I have to admit being a little unnerved when he came into the bar where I worked to hang out. I had pictures of my kids sitting on his lap. 'Course he had enough class not to be slamming 'em back in his Santa suit but that hair and beard were hard to hide.

[Darinda]

Three women and three men are traveling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.

“How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?” asks one of the men. “Watch and learn,” answers one of the women.

They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, “Ticket, please.”

The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don’t buy any ticket at all!! “How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed man.

“Watch and learn,” answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding. The woman knocks on their door and says, “Ticket, please.”

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

What it means to be British:

It means you drive your German car to an Irish pub where you drink Belgian beer. Then you go home, where you sit on your Swedish furniture and eat Indian take-away while watching American shows on your Japanese television. 

You do all this while being suspicious of anything foreign.

Boru

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

A man is out golfing. He makes a terrible slice and his ball lands right in the middle of a patch of buttercups. The man decides the the little patch of flowers is too beautiful to damage, so he takes his penalty shot and walks away.

Just then, a fairy appears and says, ‘That flower patch is my home. Because your were kind enough not to destroy my buttercups, I shall reward you with a lifetime supply of butter.’

The man answers, ‘Well, that’s nice, I suppose, but where the hell were you when I hit my ball into those pussywillows?’

Boru

[The Valkyrie]

A man is out golfing. He makes a terrible slice and his ball lands right in the middle of a patch of buttercups. The man decides the the little patch of flowers is too beautiful to damage, so he takes his penalty shot and walks away.

Just then, a fairy appears and says, ‘That flower patch is my home. Because your were kind enough not to destroy my buttercups, I shall reward you with a lifetime supply of butter.’

The man answers, ‘Well, that’s nice, I suppose, but where the hell were you when I hit my ball into those pussywillows?’

Boru

"Balls deep in the pussywillow fairy."

[Brian37]

Just heard this joke on a cable veterinarian show.

"What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?"

"Beer nuts are a buck 50, and deer nuts are under a buck."

[Oldandeasilyconfused]

Rowan Atkinson as a priest and "What's the church's attitude to Fellatio?"

Rowan Atkinson - The Church's Attitude To Fellatio - YouTube

[A. Secular Human]

A man is out golfing. He makes a terrible slice and his ball lands right in the middle of a patch of buttercups. The man decides the the little patch of flowers is too beautiful to damage, so he takes his penalty shot and walks away.

Just then, a fairy appears and says, ‘That flower patch is my home. Because your were kind enough not to destroy my buttercups, I shall reward you with a lifetime supply of butter.’

The man answers, ‘Well, that’s nice, I suppose, but where the hell were you when I hit my ball into those pussywillows?’

Boru

"Balls deep in the pussywillow fairy."

Ohhhh kaaaay

<walking slowly *forwards*>

[Fake Messiah]

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me."

I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"

Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

-Emo Philips

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

My doctor is flirting with me. During my examination, she told me I was just 'too sweet'.

Okay, her actual words were 'severely diabetic', but I know what she meant.

Boru