joke time

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Every human culture, without exception, has invented some version of a knife, some form of bread, and some method of fermentation. This proves that there is a basic human need to stab someone and then relax with a sandwich and a beer.

Boru

[Darinda]

A woman walks into a Ferrari dealership. She browses around, then spots the car of her dreams. She walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the leather upholstery, a small fart escapes her. Extremely embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed, and hopes a salesperson doesn’t pop up right now. But as she turns back, they’re standing next to her is a handsome young salesman.
“Good day Madam, how may I help you?”
Very uncomfortable, she asks, “Sir, what is the price of this fabulous vehicle?”
He answers, “Madam, I’m afraid I can’t say. If you farted just touching it, you’re going to crap yourself when you hear the price.”

---

Every human culture, without exception, has invented some version of a knife, some form of bread, and some method of fermentation. This proves that there is a basic human need to stab someone and then relax with a sandwich and a beer.

Boru

👌

[Darinda]

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. “What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?” asks the cop.
“I’m a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act.”
“Oh yeah?” says the doubtful cop. “Let’s see you do it.” The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. “Wow,” says the driver to his wife. “I’m glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they’re giving now!”

[Fake Messiah]

A sperm donor, a carpenter and Julius Caesar walked into a bar.

He came, he saw, he conquered.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

After years of get togethers at the local pub, a man announces to his two best mates that he's a woman trapped in a man's body and that he's applied for gender reassignment surgery.

Months later, she reappears at the bar. Her friends congratulate her on her appearance and begin questioning her about the surgery.

'Brave of you to have your willy cut off,' says one. 'Was that the most painful part of the operation?'

'No, not really,' she answers.

'Surely then,' says the second friend, 'it was having your balls cut off.'

'Well, that was painful, but not the worst part of it,' she replies.

'Wow, cutting off you willy wasn't the most painful, cutting off your bollocks wasn't the most painful...what WAS?'

'Having my salary cut in half.'

Boru

[purplepurpose]

Christians say that atheism wont lead to anything good. But I disagree. I have became a simp under atheism.

[Darinda]

A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee. The gentleman takes a sip and spits it out.

He turns to the waiter and says, “Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!”

The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the gentleman and says, “But, sir, it’s fresh ground!”

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee. The gentleman takes a sip and spits it out.

He turns to the waiter and says, “Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!”

The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the gentleman and says, “But, sir, it’s fresh ground!”

Reminds me of:

A man sits down for breakfast at the local diner and tells the waitress, ‘I’d like to start with a cup of cold, day-old coffee, then two slices of burn toast, couple of over-cooked eggs, and some underdone bacon.’

Shocked, the waitress says, ‘Sir, we can’t serve you food like that!’

‘Why not? You did yesterday.’

Boru

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

I once gave a homeless guy $5. An old lady passed by and said I shouldn't do that, because he would just spend the money on drugs. I was so outraged that I confronted the homeless man and asked - nay, DEMANDED - that he tell me where I could also go to get drugs for $5.

Boru

[Darinda]

Wife: “What are you doing?”
Husband: “Nothing.”
Wife: “Nothing? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.”
Husband: “I was looking for the expiration date.”