joke time

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Penguins have a gland near the base of their tail called the uropygial gland. This gland secretes an oil that penguins use in preening their feathers, which helps the feathers retain heat. This means that...

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...the oily bird gets the warm.

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Boru

[Darinda]

A young woman dressed in shorts had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help … and to complain. Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, “Why are you back in so early? What’s wrong?”

“I was stung by a bee,” she said

“Where?,” he asked.

“Between the first and second hole,” she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said,” Then your stance is too wide.”

[Darinda]

A guy was in a bar drinking beer. He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, order another beer take out his wallet and looks at a picture of his wife. He did this several times, finally, the bartender asks, why after you finish a beer you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife.
The guy says as soon as she starts looking better to me, I go home.

[Darinda]

Harold got in bed, kissed his lovely wife, and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the pearly Gates and St. Peter said..

“You died in your sleep, Harold.”

Harold was stunned. “I’m dead…? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back to my wife!”

St. Peter said, “Perhaps that can be arranged, but there aren’t many open spots right now. You’ve got two alternatives: you can come back to your house as a goldfish or as a hen.”

Harold never liked swimming and thought that perhaps being a hen wouldn’t be that bad after all. The chickens his wife raised just ran around pecking at the ground, no stress, and at least he’d still be close to her.

Harold replied, “Okay, then I choose to be a hen.” The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground in his old backyard! Another hen strolled up and said, “So, you’re the new hen, nice to meet you. How’s your first day here?”

“Not bad,” replied Harold, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m gonna explode!”

“You’re ovulating,” explained the hen. “Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before!”

“Never..” said Harold.

“Well, just cluck twice and then push.” Harold clucked twice and pushed, and voila, out popped an egg. Harold was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood for the first time. He then clucked twice, pushed, and out came another egg. It felt amazing. He never new it was like this! Just as he was about to lay his third egg, his wife called out to him. “Harold! Harold!”

Happiness filled Harold as he saw her running towards him. Knowing she was there to share this moment, he was overwhelmed by joy.

He clucked once, clucked twice, and suddenly felt his wife smack the back of his head. “Dammit, Harold wake up! You’re shitting the bed!”

[The Valkyrie]

Ten priests die in a freak accident and appear before the pearly gates.

St. Peter stands before them and says, "Any one of you who is a pedophile can fuck off to Hell!"

Nine of the priests turn away and start shambling towards the expess elevator.

After a moment, St. Peter shouts after them, "And take this deaf prick with you!"

[Fake Messiah]

A man steps into a bar and orders a beer. ‟o-o-o-one b-beer p-p-please.”

The Bartender responds ‟Hey buddy.. I used to stutter all the time too, but it stopped right after my wife gave me a blowjob. I suggest you try the same.”

After the man hears this, he quickly drinks his beer and leaves. The next day the man comes to the bar again. ‟o-o-o-one b-beer p-p-please.”

The bartender chuckles ‟My suggestion did not work, did it?”

The man responds ‟n-n-no b-b-but y-you h-have a n-n-nice h-h-house.”

[Darinda]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
“In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle,” he said. “You may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.” Saint Peter said, “You may pass through the pearly gates.”
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s glasses.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”

The man replied, “They’re Carol’s.”

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Kim Jong-un orders a well-known musician to compose a symphony in the Dear Leader’s honour. After slaving away for a month, he informs Kim that the work is complete and ready to be performed. Kim is delighted and tells the composer that he will be given the job of conducting the orchestra for the premier performance.

The performance is horrible - notes are played out of sequence, the pacing is wretched, and none of the musicians come in on time. Furious at the debacle, Kim orders the musician to die by electrocution. For his last meal, the man asks for a bowl of curried rice and lentils.

Strapped into the chair, the switch is thrown - and nothing happens. No body jerks or spasms, no smell of burning flesh - nothing. The equipment is checked and they try again. Still nothing. Fed up, Kim orders the man to be taken out and shot, but asks him, ‘How is it that a dish of curry kept you from being electrocuted?’

‘Oh, wasn’t the curry,’ says the musician. ‘I’m just a lousy conductor.’

Boru

[Darinda]

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
“Is that a dog you got back there?” he asked.
“It sure is,” I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then toward the back of the van. Finally he said, “What’d he do?”

[Darinda]

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. Takes a seat at the bar. The bartender asks, “what’s with the monkey?”

The man replies, “don’t worry about him I pay for anything he does”. The monkey jumps on the bar, finds some peanuts and eats them. He finds Some pickled egg and eats them too. Then jumps onto the pool table picks up the cue ball and eats it.

The bartender exclaims, “Holy Crap! Did you see what your monkey just did?! He just picked up the cue ball off the table at ate it!” The man apologizes, pays for his drinks and everything the monkey ate, and leaves.

A few weeks later the man returns to the bar with his monkey. Again sits at the bar as the monkey wanders around. The monkey finds some cherries. He picks one up shoves it up his butt and then pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender, astonished, exclaims, “Holy crap!!! Your monkey just picked up a cherry, shoved it up his butt, and then ate it!!!!”

The man replies, “ya ever since that cue ball he measures everything first.”