joke time

[Darinda]

A girl walks into a grocery store and asks the stock boy if he has any nuts.

The guy says, “No, ma’am.”

She says, “Well, do you have any dates?”

And he says, “Ma’am, if I don’t have nuts, do you really expect me to have dates?”

[A. Secular Human]

An elderly gentleman in a grocery store asks a perky young female clerk in a tight skirt for help getting him some bread, which is up on a high shelf.

The attractive young woman retrieves a ladder, and proceeds to climb up to the top shelf.

The old man gazes upwards, and notices that she isn't wearing any underwear.

The clerk looks down and asks "Is it raisin?"

And the old guy answers "Nope, but it's twitchin' a mite!"

[The Valkyrie]

Since Russia won't release a New York Times journalist, it has been suggested that US authorities arrest a Russian journalist and hold him as leverage.

Now, no-one can find Tucker Carlson.

[Darinda]

“Last Sunday I found a wallet packed with money down by the church.”

“Did you give it back?”

“Not yet. I’m still trying to decide if it’s a temptation from the devil or the answer to a prayer.”

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Push a man into an active volcano, and the sun god will ensure a bountiful harvest for all.

Boru

[A. Secular Human]

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Push a man into an active volcano, and the sun god will ensure a bountiful harvest for all.

Boru

Or, you just drop a ring into it.

Depends on the man...

[Fake Messiah]

My doctor sent me for a prostate exam at the hospital. I went, reluctantly, got called into the office, and patiently suffered through the very personal examination.

When the examining surgeon left, a nurse came in and asked, “Who the heck was that?”

[The Valkyrie]

My doctor sent me for a prostate exam at the hospital. I went, reluctantly, got called into the office, and patiently suffered through the very personal examination.

When the examining surgeon left, a nurse came in and asked, “Who the heck was that?”

"Tell me when you feel my finger!"

"Uh, I feel it now!"

"Look, no hands!"

I'll let you work it out..

[A. Secular Human]

My doctor sent me for a prostate exam at the hospital. I went, reluctantly, got called into the office, and patiently suffered through the very personal examination.

When the examining surgeon left, a nurse came in and asked, “Who the heck was that?”

"Tell me when you feel my finger!"

"Uh, I feel it now!"

"Look, no hands!"

I'll let you work it out..

If it can pass as a finger, the Doc's partners are in for a little surprise!

[Darinda]

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $20.00.”

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $20.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

You have migraines. You need to take better care of yourself. Get daily rest, drink a lot and avoid bright lights, stress, and strain. See me again in 2 weeks.

During the next 2 weeks, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he even added some oil from his car.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $20.00, again stating he had a bad headache. He waited curiously to see what the computer will say about the odd mix. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:

Your tap water has too much waste in it.

Your dog has ringworms.

Your teenage daughter is pregnant.

Your wife has had 5 different lovers in the past six months.

Also, your car needs a new radiator.

And you wonder why you have a headache?